The Pain

I am now very aware of the pain I have inflicted on my wife of 24 years. I can not heal the pain and I am thinking that it is too little too late for us MY BAD! Not knowing how to move forward I am here sad lonely upset and very very (how and the phuc could i do this to her) feeling. Not good times at all. In my thoughts it is like this, the barn door was left open, the horse is gone and I am walking everywhere. Walking is good right?
Did I need the horse? Was I able to care for it? Was the barn strong enuff to house and support the horse?
I have lost something that is not find-able so now the search goes on.

 

Been there done that! have you? with all do respect you have not been in my shoes, my mind,my life ,my kitchen. Ok so what is that i am so to be willing to accept?

But what we need to do and continue is the journey, is to NOT beat yourself up I never stopped the journey and too late already pretty beaten up

We need to take care of what remains. Really so does this mean that i can get blood from a stone? I mean what really does remain? Is it worth having? Can it be replaced? Should it be replaced? Did I ever need it?

Accepting our limitations as they are. Accepting our character flaws as they are. BIG time issues here man. So i am limited to being addicted? My character flaws got me here in the first place!

Please i mean no disrespect to you or anybody else! I am just telling you what i feel so as to "get the bigger picture"
Can there be to much pain to reboot?
Also thank you the reply

 

I can not get rid of the pain, it drives me to this site,

One man"s pain can be another mans pleasure so they say.

Limitations? Really? I think that is also Bullchit! See i think you have been put on the "limitations bandwagon" because you feel( respectfully) that is what you need, for me there are no limitations but for the fact we must breath and eat and sleep short of those items we have NO limitations at all. If somebody tells you are limited to do this or that it is those people that want to place the limitations on you , they're not your limits but theirs.

Dam i feel bad for you, if you feel you have limits and try nothing to move past those limits! did you just lay down and accept it? if so why?

Just what are "limitations" when it comes to pain, after all some people feel no pain at the dentist and require no pain medication. I have found that no matter how bad it hurts it can always hurt more so there fore there are no limitations when it comes to pain in my life.
What I think i am in the need of is information, education, a positive outlook and above all time.
As I type I am reminded of the old saying that "time heals all wounds" not sure if that is true being as time will help hide,forget,cover up the pain.

Remember the first time we hit our thumbs with a hammer? I do not, but every time I do hit my thumb i am reminded of pain, the pain that is real and now and not the pain i felt years ago.

I have stopped looking at porn for a week month 3 months 6 months 1 year.
Hell maybe i just like looking? maybe it is a habit like going to the dentist?
you see this whole thing is kinda counter productive if you ask me, please here me out.
Ok so I say no porn for a week(first reminder of porn and not good)
I go a week with no porn and then what talk about it? ok got it but we also got a second reminder of porn and still not good) i get the kudos needed to go the second week with out porn
( again i am always thinking about porn in one way or another) so i will always have that monkey on my back he is the one that reminds me of the whole porn thing.
what i think i need to do is go out and have lunch with the monkey and get his side of the story. the more I know him the more i will understand why he is my monkey on my back controlling me.
Most of us have the fear of the unknown, for me it is the fear of the "known"
I know porn is no good
i know porn is the wrong way to go
i know my addiction has hurt others
I know that it affects every part of my life everyday
And these are my real fears. I can and will face them wholeheartedly

Im need to change my life style, ok got that one too ,BUT again there is the constant reminder of porn like this
ok i got a new hair cut to promoted change and why did I do that? because of porn.
even just being here i am dealing with( reminds me of... guess what PORN) the whole porn issue, thinking of it now, wondering wondering wondering.

Again if i can post "raw" items here cool but again how raw is raw? like how small is small?
am I doing the best thing i can? can i do more or something differently?

This brings me to a second point and that is "this is all a very very shape double edge sword" it cuts with both sides just a deep. I mean i am wondering "if i do not want cut then put down the sword" wow problem solved , right?
It is good to change but what is a rational and reasonable "excuse" for change?
After all many say change is inevitable just look at our lives now compared to cave man days, some say we are better off while others say we are all going down the tube as a society.
Evolution takes place over a very long time, I have had porn in my life since like i was 7-8 years old. I would go the barber shop with my dad, pick up a copy of time and then place a playboy in the middle and do some "reading"
The real challenge is that i do not have a life time to fix it. It will not come over night or tomorrow or next week or month i know this, but i also know that death is just a breath away!
I am not suicidal at all! In fact I can not wait to meet death with a smile and thank it for life, embrace it for all it is worth! After all death cures all illnesses and all pain.
I too have been influenced but my out look on life and that is "if i need something done i do it" i wanted a cabin cruiser boat so i built it, i wanted to look at porn so I do, I wanted to be my own boos so I run and operate a business.
I am so DIY that is why i look at porn as to not put pressure on my wife to make me happy, hell nobody knows how to make me happy but for me, i know all the ins and outs of my pleasure seeking lifestyle.

I also am very aware of the hardcore fact that I am directly responsible for all of this(back to the whole DIY thing) and it is I who will and must make sense of it all find a place for it in my life.

The real issues is this I am not normal as per the standards of today's society!
My wife always ask me "why can't you just be normal" and I reply "why should I"
I do not do organized sports at all
I love to cook
I deal with anger by cleaning
I am self employed
I took in the telecommunications giant Verizon and won or more like they just gave up there quest.
Me being "not normal" is the norm for me so back to my statement above in red

Please understand that I am trying to face the facts with no sugar to wash it down with. I am not attacking you personally nor do i want too at all, just the opposite I am going to challenge everything here( with all do respect ) for both my own good and yours and perhaps this will motivate others who my be feeling the same way.
I am not ripping on you, beleive me when i say that, i am how ever pushing the envelope to see if you do in fact have what it takes, are you sincere, are there doubts? and the same goes for me!
I understand this is a good place and it does good things but is it the place for me?

May i ask you "what is one day at a time"? Why can't it be one hour at a time or one week at a time or month or year or life time?

I will always be addicted to porn i know and it will be nothing more than going a day a week a month a year 3 years 5 years 10 years. There are 2 kinds of people in the world(so to speak) either you are addicted to porn or you are not.

Do you wake up saying I am an addict and I will work on change? After all are we really dealing with the problem or the cause?
I too am addicted( facing the hardcore truth) I maybe able to control it yes but is that really the answer?

bottom line for me is this
I am not writing this for you to read it, is a letter to David from David for David

To give you thanks for your understanding and thoughts and your very personal life is something i respect! I am not a dick so please try to keep that in mind when reading the above statement for the 1st 2nd 3rd time.

 

Change starts in recovery when I'm able to accept this character flaw( IT IS NOT A FLAW BUT A STRENGTH THAT WAS PUT TO BAD USE), this addiction. I mean can't stay in this denial. I must get to the point that I have a problem. Then and only then can my change begin.

Running on a flat tire will continue until I accept the reality that I HAVE a flat tire.
This is a can of worms that I do not want to open but i will. Flat tires do roll and they will get you there as well. Perhaps i am missing the point so if that is the case I will make sure you do not miss mine again with all do respect. if all 4 tires were flat then it would be the "norm" so to speak, right? Why did the tire go flat? Are the others going to go flat too, hell man even a stopped clock is right twice a day. so if I had 86,400(# of seconds in a day) clocks all set 1 second apart form one another, and all on one wall i will always have the right time?
I mean that flat tires still server the same purpose as the others, going round and round just the same as the others with air do.
So am i to be thankful that the other tires are not flat or am I to be thankful that the flat tire still rolls and still can get me to my destination?

The saying goes something like this. We are to be thankful for everything that we have in life right? do I need to be thankful for my porn addiction? Is there a silver lining to the porn cloud? Is one addiction better than another?
They say I need to change my life style right? But will that help because the need for change and in fact changing in itself is again a reminder of porn?

I am addicted to porn( my recurring theme). I will live the rest of my life with this addiction. I know there are ways to curb it, deal with it and work with it but the bottom line is still I am an addict! So there I have admitted that there is a problem. but is it the real problem with real solutions or just another way to get through life doing the best we can and accept that and move forward?

I do not get the whole"it has been 2 days and 13 hours and 22 minutes since i did not look at porn thing.to me this is nothing but positive reinforcement of that fact that you do have a problem( salt in the old wound thing) and it is just about how long you can go without looking at it. If i had my way that would be the first thing to change here. and I will not have that counter thing on my page/post. Does it really matter how long it has been? if so why?
More importantly it is that fact that"what will you do when to time comes for you to look at porn" how will i deal with it? what will I really do and is it time? Is it what I really think and feel or it is I am supposed to do this because it is the right thing to do regardless of how I feel?

 

For you my newly found cyber Battle buddy desire more than my respect and that will be my time which at this point in life is as valuable as life itself.

First off it is not my intention to bring up the past that your working so hard to change.

The whole "counter thing" again I do understand the importance of it regarding my issues BUT that does not mean there is no place for it at all.

My counter goes something like this, it is 54 66 13 123 days until I get my life back , until I get to make real love to my wife and her feel it instead of pain.

I am now cured of my need to explore this to the end of time. It is time to let go honestly and faithfully, why do I need to hang onto the negetive? I do not have that need. In fact all that negativity that is released will be replaced with good positive vibes.
See by looking at porn I have come to the conclusion that the energy spent doing"bad things" have been used to create bad things when it is returned, the whole karma thing.
With that said I am now going to invite good karma back into my life.
I am not addicted to porn I am addicted to life and all the great and wonderful things it has to offer me being porn free! ! ! ! ! !
Yes we all can and will change in fact just me being here for less than 24 hours has promoted and brought about said change.
All I did was to place my honest request out to the universe and for once it liked what I am doing and returned my request with love compassion and understanding all of which I am very thankful for.
Now this type of outlook/train of thought/in site may be new to you but I feel that by searching out" the laws of attraction" you too will have very powerful tool to use

To be continental

 

Thank you for the warm welcome How is it that I may be of service to you and the others?

 

I have arrived here as part of my life's journey. There is a reason I stopped by to check things out. Is this my final stop?
It is if I find what I am looking for it then I look around admire the secenery and it has to offer, rejoice in their beauty remember it well and move on.
Again for me being here is a reminder of who I was and not who I am. This is my new porn?every time I login I think I go backwards and not forwards.
Did bite off more than I can chew or is it that I do not know the limits of my mouth?
Again for me closer will come when I no longer have anything porn related open ( kinda a play on words) and right now this opens the porn window, not much but, as we all know it does not take much for us to look out that open window.
I do need to move on both here and in life.
That is not fair to you or the others here.
It is like this for me, you invited me because I was hungry and offered me a meal, although I was hungry, you just do not have what I want. You kindness and honesty will not go unrewarded after all these universe is all knowing and very generous all we need to do is ask believe and we shall get.
I have used this site as my whipping post and it has made me realize that I do not need porn nor it there a need to whip anything in fact 1 hug will do more than 10,000 beatings will ever do!