The Most Important New Years Resolution I've Ever Made

Ah sorry, I didn't see your post. I'm still really unsure about it. I started a discussion about this earlier here, and I don't know. I don't feel a need to masturbate right now, nor have a felt a big urge the last few weeks. So, it would be easy to say NO MO forever! But I'm going to go through 2016 without MO and assess then. I'm sure I'll decide before then, but I'm taking it one step at a time. One year is a lot of time to reflect. If I do MO, I think I have to be very careful about MOing too frequently. If it becomes addictive, then I will likely cut it out forever. That is if I don't cut it out from the get-go.

 

I think there's a lot of merit to what you're saying but I think I just didn't word it well. I am aware healing from an addiction is not black and white. I think it's similar to losing a loved one - you never simply "get over it", you just learn how to cope and the loss becomes a normal part of your life. I feel porn is no longer a part of my life and I am able to refrain from it without much difficulty. I am merely noting that I think I am further along in recovery than I ever have been (and I've gone ~120 days without porn before). But you are right, @Machin. Saying I am "cured" is not the right way to think of this.

A friend started talking about his diet (as a vegetarian) and I was completely sold. It's been something that I've pondered for the last year or two and I definitely don't eat as healthy as I could. I also feel excess animal protein might be correlated with cancer although I have no basis for this guess - it's just a gut feeling. I've heard of so many benefits - I feel it's something I will do. I just need to do more research on it. On a semi-related note, I highly recommend the book, Salt, Sugar, and Fat. Very eye-opening.

@SnowWhite: I completely agree with everything you just said. "Curing" comes from the persistent, positive, daily habits. So this is really a lifestyle change, not a "cure" in the same way we are "cured" after going to a doctor.

 

My 41st Day

Productive day. Had a great conversation with my dad about my potential career change and I did a few errands I had been wanting to do.

On another note, yesterday I saw a sidebar youtube video for something that I would classify as a porn substitute and I just watched it. I didn't get anything out of it - I tried to rationalize this behavior by not trying to see it as porn, but there was no reason to watch it. I Xed out of it, a little bit disappointed in myself, but this solidifies the notion that I need to keep my guard up. As I said to @SnowWhite, "Don't take any streak for granted." i made a mistake, and I have learned.

 

My 42nd Day

@Machin Right now I am unhappy with how I eat and at the very least I'd like to improve my diet (vegetarian or not). Vegetarian is just a very appealing idea now - but not something I will decide until I feel I've done a sufficient amount of research on how to be a healthy vegetarian.
And I'm glad you understand - I feel all of us with long streaks have felt a similar thing. I kind of messed up again today with a slight porn substitute. I don't go on my cpu searching for it - but I stumble on it (genuinely an accident) and then have trouble looking the other direction. I said I knew I was going to stop this, but I didn't really mean this...

I had another productive day - had a good conversation with a friend about this potential career switch. I want to aim to tell one new friend per day about this career change. I feel I learn a lot about how I feel when I talk to others so I want to continue to do it everyday. I'm feeling really great about deciding no medicine. Just need to give the decision some time so that I'm not doing anything rash - especially if I do get in and decide to reject it. But there are so many things that make me happy about deciding to not go into medicine. I was about to write them all down, but it's a very long discussion, I'm tired, and I'm already talking to friends and family about it.

 

My 45th Day

Hadn't posted in a few days - so seeing 45 days on my counter was a bit of shock! Went on an 8 mile run today and had a great night last night. There were two girls I was at one point interested in, but after spending more time with them, I'm on the fence about it. Not as attracted as I initially was. In general, I realize I'm starting to be more selective - I really analyze whether I feel compatible with the person even if I am not looking for a relationship. Separately, a friend of mine also seemed to be interested in me at the party yesterday and I was also on the fence about following through with that since I see her as a good friend (and not completely attracted to). This thought process of being selective and not just "I'll fuck anyone" mentality is also a new way of thinking for me. But this is also the first time in a while I'm not pursuing anyone (since I'm not as attracted to those two girls as I initially thought I was). Whatever....

Have told a few more people about changing career paths and I'm pretty sure I know I was to change - but I'm still giving it more time. In the meantime I'm working on an application for a different job I'd like.

I went a few days in a row where I viewed porn substitutes willingly (but for less than a minute). But I haven't in a few days, and I'm going to keep that up. I believe that behavior came from not keeping my guard up and taking my streak for granted. But I'm back on the right track now...

 

My 45th Day (Second post)

I just watched a movie that had a nude sex scene and something interesting happened. When the character undid her robe implying they were about to have sex, I got a rush. I literally felt the dopamine spewing in my head. I wasn't expecting it, so it was exciting. And then, I calmed the fuck down. I have recently been craving to kiss someone and be with someone I really like (no one in particular now) and when I watched the sex scene to follow - I wasn't viewing it the same way I view porn. It made me happy seeing them kiss and really connect. It really did - I vicariously felt like I was caressing a beautiful women that I wanted to be with. I didn't care that I saw a nipple. The nudity did not excite me because I truly didn't feel like I was viewing a porn substitute. I didn't want more or wish there was more nudity or anything that I would normally feel if I was treating it like a porn substitute. I didn't look away, because I didn't feel like I needed to. I would be honest if I felt I were rationalizing viewing a porn substitute, but I did not feel the need to look away because I wasn't hoping or craving to see more nudity. I was happy to see the connection, and I simply didn't make a big deal out of the nudity. So that's interesting.

Completely separate of this, yesterday I hung out with my ex-girlfriend. We're pretty good friends now having ended on really good terms. I have thought of the possibility of us having sex (without going back to a relationship) but I have never brought it up. She's in a relationship now, so it's obviously out of the picture. But I don't see them realistically lasting a long time, so I can't help but wish that they break up. And yesterday, she completely solidified that wish. She said, "If I didn't have a boyfriend, well... ummm - have you ever thought about us having sex?" And I said, "Absolutely." She asked, "do you think we actually would?" to which I immediately responded, "Definitely." But this stayed in my mind for most of yesterday and today. Like we would be having sex with no strings attached if she were single. It's getting to me because I would fucking love to be intimate with someone right now, and it would be pretty cool to have sex with her again.

Yet, it's funny how I'm saying this and in my very last post I talked about how I'm being more particular and selective, yet I really want to intimate with someone now. Bleh... who knows?

 

Thanks for the advice, but I was trying to describe a really unique emotion. I watched something that would normally make my brain go ballistic, but I didn't feel as affected. I'm not going to seek out more, or try to rewatch the scene, because I don't need to.

 

My 47th Day

A fucking downer day. It was productive and nice to start with but yesterday and today I've felt really down and blue. I just found out today that the girl I like has a boyfriend - I didn't think I'd care at all, but it surprisingly bothers me. And yesterday a bunch of really small things got to me. This has translated to procrastinating in terms of exercise and in terms of my applications for non-medical careers. But tonight I'm going out with some friends, and usually that cheers me up...

 

My 49th Day

Time is flying. I had a fantastic run - with the weather warming up, I won't have to miss as many workouts anymore. The last two or three days have been a bit of downer days, but I've gotten more sleep and I'm generally feeling better.

I think I'm going to start going out more often. I'm craving to be intimate with someone (someone I'm genuinely attracted to) and currently I just aim for people I see in my everyday life. But that method is too slow and should be my plan B. I used to go out a lot and practice approaches. I got decent at approaching women and holding decent conversations, but I rarely got a phone number (and even so, it wasn't "pursuable"). I think with this pent up sexual energy, I should definitely start going out more often.

Separately, I finally got to meet this girl I was excited to meet last weekend (at a party). Before meeting her, I was considering pursuing her and asking her on a date. We had a great conversation, but I realized I wasn't genuinely interested. Just want to be friends. However, she texted me this morning saying we should go for coffee. Feels nice, but I'm not interested.

I am definitely being more picky and selective than I ever have been in my life. You'd expect with no sexual release for several months that I'd want to have sex with anything lol. Yet, I think the pursuing is so much more exciting when the recipient is someone you're truly attracted to. That's all for now...