The Moment before a Relapse

Right this second, I experienced probably the most challenging emotion I've ever felt while being on nofap. My best friend has no idea I'm living a PMO free life, and he mentioned me something about an escort that can come to your home and give you everything you want.

I even thought of calling her, I had a basic idea of what I was gonna do, and then I stopped, and I felt like I was in a river with fast currents, trying to drag me down a waterfall, but I just stood there, not moving any further towards it.

A part of wanted to do what I always do, to M in order to "Clear my head" and therefore I can reject the idea of calling her. And then I remembered all those times I did that and how it didn't make me happy.

I'm not doing it, not the escort, not the M, nothing. If I want to make my life better, I have to understand that this desire is nothing except an addiction.

Time to meditate, listen to some music , clear my head and maybe cry.

Sorry I just needed to write something, I feel this is a victory, but you have no idea how much force it takes to deny this incredibly strong urge.

Anyway, good night everyone.

 

It wasn't so clear last night but I woke up feeling I did the right thing, it's just that moment where everything becomes blurry and nothing matters, at least I know I'm walking a better path now than I have before, I want to always make the right choice.

 

Maybe Ive kept myself from doing it, but lets assume a hypothetical, I walk down the street and an escort offers me sex, I don't feel confident I'd turn it down.

The mere distance and lack of money deposited at my bank account for a down payment is what is keeping me from doing it, which is why I'm not depositing a lot of money on my account on purpose.

I am only one step short of doing it so, it's not like I really figured it out, all I am doing is preventing myself from doing it, if I had an easier access I don't think I could've resist.