The Jedi Temple (open)

Day 57

 

Hey everyone. I've decided to come back again. Last time I felt like I failed my word and that I wasn't being sincere. Saying what I wanted rather than meaning what I said. Back in November I think I said that I was going to do nofap until the new year and I failed right away and I stopped posting in here right away. Too many times I say what I want to do, it backfires on me and I feel too embarrassed to continue. So I'll try to be authentic from now on and only mean what I say. I want to get back to that time where I did nofap for 2 months, and it feels frustrating that I failed over and over trying to get back there. Well I'm back now and I want to give a sincere effort rather than trying to be someone that I'm not. I don't want to feel like a fake anymore trying to impress other people. I'm done trying to get the approval of other people. Ironically trying to get the approval of others led me down a dark path of low self esteem and doing the opposite of what I said I would do and what I wanted. Relapsing a lot, drinking, and eating unhealthy. In general not treating myself very well.

What makes a person happy? One thing I think is that they approve of themselves without the need for anyone's input. I'm not sure how I'll get to that point of being happy with myself and overcoming my pmo addiction, but I think admitting that I made a mistake, that I tried to get the approval of everyone was a mistake. That made me feel fake and I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I've been noticing that tendency much more in myself recently and it feels like an alien influence in me like a parasite and I can see the negative thoughts in my mind behind that perspective. So I guess it's a good first step for me to recognize that negative trait I've had and to commit to stopping it. And that I will attempt self acceptance. I will try to get back in the mindset when I did nofap for 2 months. Obviously something was working there for me.

So I'm back, day 1 down.

 

Day 60
@Dovahkin101 welcome back, mate. Godspeed. Stay strong.

 

Day 2

I stand between two choices of living a life of certainty but it's mediocre and boring. A life where I don't have much control over my life. The other choice is taking a leap into the unknown and doing something new where I will have more power over my life but I don't know where I will end up to. I would prefer the 2nd choice but I think I've been delaying taking that leap of faith because I feel afraid of not being certain about how things will turn out. We'll I know how things will turn out if I stay where I am and that's not a life I want. Basically having a messed up life like the rest of my family. If I stay then I will suffer. If I move on then there's a chance I can improve my life for the better.

 

Thank you. And congratulations on becoming a Jedi Master. You are on this council and we grant you the rank of Master.
(Anakin seething intensifies)

 

Day 61

 

Day 3

I've been trying to think of what it was I did where I did nofap for 2 months. My longest streak. I think what I found out is that it was easier then I was expecting. I didn't really change much about my habits or anything. The only thing that I did differently for those months was watching One Piece. I think it was a distraction and that I replaced my pmo habit with a hobby. Going all out to change your life might not be necessary to stop pmo, at least in the short term. Maybe longterm it is necessary. But to start off nofap it doesn't seem to be.

 

Day 63

 

Day 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, & 25. Checking in.

Day 25 - Padawan

Great to see your doing it daily again Just to let you know other people in the other challenges are there so your not alone. Let's go.

Sounds good, see when you get back. I always see you regardless. Stay well friend.

Try again. The dark side is always tempting me here and there.
Hopefully I get the chance to watch the new season (Final) of The Bad Batch soon.

Let's go fellow Jedis/Siths.

Practice Makes Perfect

Jedi out

 

Day 4

I'm rewatching the One Piece Neflix show that came out last summer. Some hardcore One Piece fans might not like it because it deviates from the manga but I really like it as it is. As a TV show it's just awesome. The character work of the is phenomenal, better than anything I've seen in a show or movie in a long time. Their motivations, struggles and desires is something that I can latch onto to identify with. It kind of puts my pmo struggles, and struggles in general in perspective for me. One of the characters Koby, who is a Marine cadet, is being trained under Garp a vice Admiral. Koby has a dilemma of trying to come to terms with the reality that there are good and bad marines, as well as good and bad pirates. It shatters his world view. Garp, a good marine, tells him that life isn't fair, and that he does what he can as a marine because they are what stands for order against the anarchy of the pirates. He tells Koby that it's not fair to have corrupt higher ups, but ask him if he can live with that so that he can be a force for good in the world as a marine. I think that's a kind of thinking that is an antidote to perfectionism. You can make everyone happy, and you can't get everything you want your way. But can you live with that? Resisting it I think I made my own prison in a way by rejecting opportunities because it wasn't perfect, or I thought that I wasn't good enough.

And with all the characters there's also hope for change for the better because most of them had a hard past and they made the hard choice to move on from that, and to move on from a victim mentality.

 

In my last post I left some typos. I meant to say that you cannot make everyone happy, and trying to make everyone happy is a recipe for misery. Also when the characters in the show moved on from a victim mentality, they then chose a positive worldview to replace their negative view. That comes in the form of their lifes dream to accomplish something. It's not enough to declare that you're not a victim, now you need something to fill the vacuum left behind from that.

 

Day 5

I've been having some urges to relapse but nothing too bad. For the past few months though I was relapsing constantly, probably every couple of days. And I didn't resist at all, even though I knew it was bad for me to keep relapsing. Making the choice to stop feels like a burden, because relapsing is more painful then. When I relapse I go against my wishes, but if I shut off my consciousness to my choices then there is less emotional pain that I feel.

 

Day 64

 

Day 6

 

Padawan: 9/29

Delighted to see you back @Dovahkin101

 

Day 66

 

Padawan: 10/29

 

Day 26, 27, 28, & 29. Checking in.

Day 29 - Padawan

New generation and a Padawan.
For the record I like the actress that plays Sabine in live action series of Ahsoka. But I don't mind it. And she has short hair which makes is less appealing to me.


The temptation of the darkside is always around.

Let's go Jedis/Siths

Jedi out

 

Padawan: 11/29

 

Day 67