The Hard Routine

Brothers,

it’s been a LONG time since I’ve posted here at NoFap. I’ve been a member for about 14 months, and, like most of you, I’ve spent most of that time struggling to quit porn. I joined the NoFap reboot camp about three weeks ago. All I can say to anyone who is serious about beating this is get over there. The structured program is outstanding and you will learn a ton about beating addiction. If you can’t, then go read William’s entire thread. Everything he has been saying there is 100% correct. If you want to quit porn, you must QUIT porn. That means you don’t turn off the hardcore porn channels and opt for swim suit models. That won’t work. Whatever your brain is craving, whatever gives you that dopamine blast, that’s what has to go. All of it.

I cannot begin to tell you how bad I want to check the Facebook page of a certain internet model. I’ve written about her before. EVERY relapse I’ve ever had starts with allowing myself to “peak” at her page, just to see if she has something new posted (and she doesn’t pose naked mind you). EVERY relapse. I’ve never once relapsed where I started out with hardcore porn videos. They just end up there.

Last summer I set a goal of 18 days for my NoFap counter. Since then I generally go 2 to 5 days before I peak at my girl’s page, then start over.
Tonight I live overseas tight now), I made 18 days. Clean. 100% porn free. I have not once “peaked” at her page to see what was going on. This may, honestly, be the longest I’ve EVER gone this long, this clean. I know I’m not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot, but I can see where the path takes me.

 

Its the structured course they just recently developed. Not free, but worth it.

This really sucks so bad. Today has been the worst by far. I hit 20 pure clean days today, but the daily fantasizing has gotten worse. I’ve come SO close to “peaking” at her pictures on Twitter. I went so far as to type her name in the search bar just to see it pop up on the suggested links. I’m spending the weekend at work, so I know I won’t relapse here, but I’m worried I’m giving my brain a bunch of micro doses of dopamine by thinking about her. I’ve caught myself just about to start edging a few times. I know “it gets easier,” but I wish that would hurry up and get here.

 

Did I relapse?


How many threads on NoFap and NFA start with this seemingly simple question. In one sense it is very simple. What addiction are you trying to overcome? For us, its Porn/Compulsive masturbation. Therefore, did you A) Watch porn AND/OR B) Masturbate? Then you have your answer, yes, you relapsed. But as we navigate through this process of getting clean, we begin to realize the answer is far more nuanced. Did you look at soft core porn? Bikini models? Underwear catalogs? Did you full on binge masturbate for two hours? Did you knock one out quick in the shower? Did you edge for 20 minutes? For one minute? Are any or all of those relapses?

What’s important to understand is that the action in an addiction is a well ingrained, subconscious cycle and ritual. Very rarely, if ever, do we jump right in to the culminating action, watching hard core porn with a full three hour masturbation session. Most often, the ritual starts much more nuanced. Many of us (I know I do) describe just letting yourself “peak” at your chosen stimulant (for me a non-nude model on the internet). From there the ritual proceeds however you have it built, with all the hard-wired neural pathways. This ritual drags out until we hit the “point of no return,” where we say “fuck it I’m going all in, I’ll quit again tomorrow.” As soon as it’s over, most of us feel guilty, reset our counters, and pledge “that’s it, next time for real.”

I think what’s critical to realize is that we are not just looking to quit porn per se, but rather the compulsion that drives us to view this material in the first place, and the dopamine rush that comes with it. If you spend five hours to edging to gorgeous models on Facebook, and then quit, you STILL started your compulsion ritual, and STILL gave your brain a healthy dose of dopamine which will drag out your recovery. Does that mean you need to reset your counter? Not necessarily. It depends on what you learned from the process.

I am 21 days clean tonight. 20 of those days were 100% edge/trigger/compulsion free. Yesterday, during a stressful day at work, I found myself fantasizing all day about the model and the fetishes I apply to her (starting the ritual). I got home from that stressful day of work, and yes, I finally checked her twitter page to see if she has any new pics (she did, they weren’t that good). I then caught myself edging for about one minute. I stopped myself and went to bed, but once I woke up I checked her Twitter page again to see if there were any new pics (there weren’t, but that is the start of my compulsion ritual again). I then edged for about five minutes, coming very close to the dreaded point of no return. At that point I forced myself out of bed and took my first of what is hopefully many cold showers, and the urges subsided.

Which brings me back to the beginning. Did I relapse? Well, did I masturbate to orgasm? No. Did I escalate my viewing to actual porn sites? No. Did I reach the point of no return? No. Did I start my compulsion ritual by looking to see if she has new pics? Yes. Did I get a dopamine hit, however muted? Yes.

Our struggle is very different form substance abuse addicts. Once a cocaine addict quits, he is never planning to use the substance again. While we want to leave porn behind, we are not planning to forego sex and the feelings it provides forever. It’s a different form of recovery.

My view is this: My recovery is still intact. I was able to recognize the approach of the PONR and I interrupted the ritual/cycle. I haven’t seen porn or MO in three weeks, and I learned more about how easy it is to relapse. Today and tomorrow I will force myself to not look for her new pictures, and the journey will continue.

On to four weeks. Out.

 

Consistency.

It’s really the key to everything, isn’t it? Want to succeed at something…learn how to do it, then execute those new skills consistently. It’s not hard. Or is it?

People will tell you that you’ll learn a new skill faster if you spend 10-15 minutes a day on it, then if you surge for two hours once a week on Sundays. It’s that daily, consistent grind that pays off huge over time. The Slight Edge is all about this concept. Small life changes applied constantly that pay a huge premium over the course of a lifetime.

Think about your last reboot. I’m willing to bet somewhere along the way you can trace a root cause of the failure to a lack of consistency. I have my tips and tricks that I use during each streak. I keep to computer/ipad away from the bedroom. I have “safety behaviors” to help me power through urges. I post to this forum and the NoFap Academy. I know I can’t look at porn (or course) but especially at its off shoots (bikini models, erotic literature).

I’ve written many times every one of my relapses (at least since I realized I was addicted and wanted to stop) begin by “innocently peaking” at this one internet models pictures. That’s all it ever takes. My problem is I get a couple of days streak going and think “Ok, I’m good. I don’t need to keep my guard up all the time. I can skip the exercises…I can let my mind start to wander…I can “peak” at her pics just once…what’s the worst that can happen…I’ll just edge for a minute…then I’ll stop…

The trick is to practice the good techniques, and keep practicing them, consistently, until they become…HABITS. What was hard, becomes easy. What was a struggle, becomes effortless. We can all get through this. It’s not easy, but it can become EASIER…through consistency.

 

28 days today. All week the urges were barely there then this afternoon, bam. I just "had" to peak at her pics again. This of course led to some edging, but I just got control of it and I am back off. No relapse. I guess i had hoped by week 4 the urges would be gone. Oh well.

 

Is there a blocker that woudl let me block a specific name in Facebook or Twitter searches? That woudl be a huge plus; thanks for the note. You are 100% correct and I appreciate the feedback.

 

Today marks 29 days clean. This is easily the longest streak in my life. I look forward to crossing the one month in a few days, and I think I will only count months after that. The last few days urges have not been that bad (at least not nearly as bad as last weekend when I peaked at a few bikini pictures online).

I wish I could point to one thing that has made this streak longer than all the rest, some tool, trick, or piece of advice that let me get past the first few days. Unfortunately, I can’t. I don’t think any ONE thing helps us quit, or get clean faster. I really think it’s a combination of multiple actions that has let me get this far. Whereas all of my other failed attempts were nothing more than efforts at white knuckle willpower, this time I’m using a more holistic approach.

Signing up for NoFap Academy has been one of the best advantages. The combination of great video lessons, the weekly mentoring calls (which I can’t listen to real time, but I download them), as well as the forums offer me a place to write down and express my thoughts. The fact that there is a monetary cost associated helps as a slight boost as well.

Beyond that its applying the various tips and tricks taught there, and discussed here. I now have “safety behaviors” that I can turn to when the urges start. I have begun taking cold shows, and YES, they DO work. Training to mind to recognize that the displeasure of the cold water is only temporary, and that the pleasure that follows is powerful. If I can will myself into a blast of frigid water, I can will myself through urges. I now recognize that there are times when the urges become too strong, and that its time to get up and leave my apartment. During other attempts, whenever I reached that point I’d let myself have a quick peak at my favorite model. This time I recognize that for what it really is: the addicted part of my brain begging me for a dopamine shot. It’s a lie. It wants pleasure NOW and the future be damned.

I think that may be the most important lesson I trained myself to believe: Pain First…Pleasure Later. I KNOW that life will be better once the reboot is complete, and that knowledge is letting me push through the pain of withdrawal. They say “it gets easier,” and I believe that now.

Pain First.

 

I couldn't agree more. The complacency that sets in is the source of many a relapse.

 

Today I am one month clean. For 31 days I have not looked at any porn, and I have not masturbated. Two of those days (day 21 and 28)I looked at pictures of a gorgeous model, and I did indeed edge to them a little. Since then I have not had any urges at all.

I have been MO’ing for close to 30 years. This is the longest I have EVER gone clean. If I can get this far, I know everyone can. What’s critical is you have to make your recovery based on action. If all you are doing is making days, hoping 90 days comes and goes, you will never make it. You need to work at it. Do the exercises in whatever program you are following. Post on these boards. Learn about addictions. Examine what’s going on in your life (in your head) that drives you to seek the soothing comfort of the dopamine fix.

THEN you MUST remain vigilant. Don’t allow yourself to think “nice, one week down, I’m good, for a reward I’ll just watch a little bit and then turn it off.” Treat each day as the first. Guard your thoughts. Take the cold showers. Work to keep porn out of your brain. This thing IS winnable.

On to month two.

 

Sunday is the bad time. No work. No alarm waking me up. Many streaks start on Sundays. Most are broken on Sundays. Sunday is the time for the urges to start, then grow. Fantasies fill my mind, which in turn feed the urges. I usually make it through the morning. Usually. Often the relapse hits me out of nowhere. I’m sitting in my apartment, I’ve just finished watching TV or reading. Then BAM…I say to hell with it, one peak won’t hurt. Sometimes I honestly believe that. Other times I just go to my bedroom to get comfortable, waiting for the Point of No Return.

I woke up today 34 days clean. My longest streak ever. One week ago and the week before that I came the closest to relapsing. Both were bad (I wrote about them in my log at NFA) but I pushed through. I didn’t want today to be a repeat. When I hit 60 days, I want to be able to say they were truly clean, no PMO, no peaking, no edging.

As soon as woke up I felt to beginning aches of the Sunday morning compulsion. This time I applied the Willpower Process (Own, Align, and Execute). I saw the urges for what they really are: the dying gasps of an addiction begging for mercy. I focused on what I really wanted, and I took action (in that case reading a new philosophy book). The urges subsided.

Laster that day after lunch I felt the urges stir again after. Applying the WPP once again, I chose to go for a drive to a nearby park. It was almost too easy. That was it. Two cases of withdrawal that weren’t even all that intense.

I won’t at all say that means I am over my addiction. Better men than I have gone longer on the streak, and still relapsed. But I am confident I have the tools this time to keep this going. My counter flips at night, about 6:00. 35 days. Time to focus.

 

Indeed. It means a lot having you contribute to my thread, thanks William.

 

This is the homepage: http://www.nofapacademy.com/reboot-camp-home/

I think enrollment is closed for now but it is re-opening at some point.

 

Damn urges can come at you out of nowhere. I had a relatively easy Sunday, and Monday was no sweat. I'm in bed playing chess on my ipad of all things and I get this urge to check out certain reddit pages. No relapse but definitely a danger zone slip. Have to concentrate.