The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Beyond the holy trinity of shitty dating advice, I can't help you. However, as far as mood and self-image is concerned, I will suggest that you read Psycho-Cybernetics, if you haven't read it already. You'll see the book appearing in my comment history and it does for good reason- it made the difference between me having a shitty mood in a reboot and an overall pleasant experience. I say this because the last time I went close to sixty days, I was extremely irritable and impulsive, notwithstanding having a really bad opinion of myself. As a result, the reboot wasn't sustainable. This time around, it's much different.

That being said, I can imagine the tenets of Psycho-Cybernetics being used in the context of dating. Maybe when I move to Germany and actually get on the dating scene in a month or so, I can report back to you on that.

 

Hey man. Dating is about feeling good about yourself and sharing that happiness with women. If it doesn't work for you, you're not ready. You already go to the gym and see a therapist. These are very good things to do.
On top of that, you could eat healthy. Take an interest in diet. Eating healthy improves your mood and energy. It is a very good way to fight depression.

Doing meditation as well. Avoiding distractions. You won't have relationships with others if you don't first learn to be at peace with yourself. Happy alone. If you're not, you'll talk to women with a demanding attitude. Someone who is trying to fill a void. That's not what we want.

Along with these efforts, I advise you to overcome your fears and approach women in your everyday life. You will be rejected but you will become a better person. And one day you will be free, happy and with fulfilling relationships.

Good luck

 

Meditation, I can definitely say, has helped me have more patience with people- especially after reading The Mind Illuminated, I’ve come to such a profound intellectual understanding about the conscious experience that I can better understand where people are coming from. 10/10 highly recommend

 

I'm just lucky to come across the right things sometimes lol

 

I think the best compromise is to do both. To see your well-being and your mental health as the priority. But at the same time to meet women, even if it's uncomfortable.
Try to find motivated people to approach women, it's always better than doing it alone. You'll have someone to push you.

One last thing, 26 is very young. Even 31 years old. I know guys who started much later and have fulfilling relationships with women. But I still agree that the earlier the better.

If you approach women you will realize that women like you. That's already a huge thing.
To give you my opinion on my case, I am not motivated. I am consistent. Motivation comes after action, not before!

 

I met my one and only girlfriend through YouTube and Instagram of all places. We met in person and then a year later we broke up. I look at the times we had with fondness and appreciation, but by that same token, I wouldn't want it now, especially since I'm in a different and better place than I was then.

 

Those are huge. Those are where it starts. You are getting your life together, that’s outstanding.

Connection and intimate relationships happen as you meet people, you have eye contact and conversation, you find you get along and you say “hey, it was great talking to you. I’d love to hang out again, can I get your number?” You can do this with girls platonically, you can do this with guys platonically, you can do it if you’re attracted physically. If they decline it’s okay, you can just say “cool, well I enjoyed talking with you anyway. Have a fabulous evening.” And walk away having enjoyed the conversation for what it was. This is how you build friendships. Out of friendships you build community. Out of community you build a network.

You need community. You need a network. You didn’t feel like anything was missing before because porn was tricking your brain into thinking it had what it needed. Now that it doesn’t have that need filled, you are being cued to search and fill it. The benefit of filling it with real relationships is that you get reinforcement from actual people, who can bring actual value into your life. Porn just offers an illusion.

Don’t. Experience with an escort doesn’t count as real experience. There’s stories here on the forum, I can find them if you don’t want to, about guys who used the same exact reasoning as this, and regretted it. If lack of sexual experience detracts from your overall attractiveness to a partner, their priorities are screwed up and you shouldn’t have anything to do with them in bed. Real sex is nothing like porn. Real sex is about caring for one another and bonding, not about bodies and Os.

Depression is awful. I’ve been there, I know. Sometimes quitting porn exposes the problem that was already there. I’ve never heard of NoFap causing depression.

Sometimes meditation helps with depression, like these others suggest, sometimes it makes depression worse. I’d try it, but if depression gets worse I would not double down and meditate more.

One thing you can definitely do is that gratitude journal. It’s hard when you’re not feeling it, but you can tell yourself, objectively, you are in a far better place than you were six months ago. You can also try gratitude for small things every day. But a job you enjoy that pays 5x your previous income?! That’s huge! 20k in savings, already? That’s incredible! You are in a much better place than 90% of the guys that come in this place. I’m not saying this to guilt you. Depression starts someplace real, but it gets irrational real quick, I know it isn’t something you can argue yourself out of, or flip a switch and just be awesome instead. Reminding yourself of what you have, though, goes a long way toward helping your mind get past what you don’t.

You really do have a lot of things going for you. You don’t have that one relationship, yet, and you might not for a long time. I know a guy who knew loads of women, could have made sexual relationships with a lot of them, but never clicked until he was almost 40. Then he met that one, and she was worth it. I’m not saying that will happen for you, that you are guaranteed sexual satisfaction or anything, just that it can happen so don’t despair that it hasn’t happened yet. And in the meantime, form a life that you enjoy.

 

All relationships are chance-based. You can try your best to improve your chances, but at the end of the day, it remains beholden to the complex probability of the universe. Ironically, resigning one's self to this fact in apathy is what makes one's self the most attractive, and it's better for one's mental health in the long run.

 

Ah yes, it is far more common for NoFap to be the light that exposes the roaches in your life. Turning the light off would hide the problem, it wouldn’t fix it.

I’m married, and I’m probably the worst to ask about dating as I had one girlfriend who was a friend first so I’ve never made a romantic relationship materialize out of nothing. I can positively say, though, the first step is to make yourself into someone worth dating, and you’re doing that.

I imagine if something terrible happened and I were back on the market, I’d try to go on as many dates with as many different kinds of women as I could manage. I’d do it for three reasons; exposure therapy, learning who is out there and what is reasonable to expect, and increasing the odds. On the exposure count, it’s well known that if you’re afraid of something, you experience it as much as possible until it becomes familiar and less foreboding. I’d probably be super stiff and nervous, and I’d definitely not want to present like that with a date I was super invested in, so it would make sense to practice with low-stakes dating. Just hanging out and having a conversation, with small hopes and near zero expectations that anything “more” will come of it. Then, when a high-stakes date comes around, I’ll (hopefully) know how to make a date interesting enough to get a second, and even if that doesn’t work, I’ll know I can sometimes make it work so I have options and I can try again. For knowing what’s out there, I’ve heard lots of stories about what the dating market is like, what “women” are like, but I don’t know if any of it is true. I’d like to know a true high-value potential partner when I meet her, not let her slide by because I’m looking for a unicorn. And finally, the odds of finding a unicorn are increased when you meet a lot of horses. Or goats. Unicorns sometimes have more in common with goats. Not that any woman is a horse or a goat, it’s an analogy… ah, never mind.

So yeah, I’d try online, I’d try offline, but remember that it’s about making yourself worth dating. With that in mind, I’d work on learning how to listen and ask questions to keep the conversation moving, rather than worry about gains or cutting at the gym. And, since this sounds like a lot of dates, I’d work on free or inexpensive options for the first couple dates. Spend money only on the ones you want to impress, when it’s appropriate. But most of all, don’t take my advice because I have no idea what I’m really talking about when it comes to dating.

 

Well, since I'm moving to Germany, there's definitely a change of scenery involved. But I've found some things more important than relationships and will gladly prioritize that over finding somebody. Even so, I'll still give it a shot when the opportunity presents itself.

 

I can’t definitively say, having not explored the alternate timeline where I journeyed without her. I suspect, though, that the relationship and she in particular have helped with abstinence/sobriety, but not made a difference with depression. You might think, “If only I were in a loving relationship, everything would be better,” but I think, “If only I weren’t screwing up this lovely woman’s life in ways she definitely does not deserve, she’d have been better off never knowing me, my God, I am a horrible person and do not deserve to live.”

The things that have helped me most with depression have been sobriety, managing ADHD, and daily introspection in my journal. One piece that has been particularly helpful, I think, in drawing me out of the morass, is asking if I am making the best possible use of my time. I’m not who I want to be, but when I see I am doing what I can in this particular moment to make progress toward being that person, that’s the best I can do and that has got to be enough.