The beginning

Greetings all the way from South Africa fellow fapstronauts! I’m a dude, 20 years old turning 21 the 30th of September. I’m a university student studying computer science, I’m in my third year. I play club rugby and hit the gym quite frequently, so I’m in good shape. I consider myself to be quite handsome, intelligent and open minded, but PMO has crippled my ability to emotionally engage people especially women and because of this I have withdrawn socially from my peers.

This all started long ago when I was 10 years old, I remember the first time I PMO’d like it was yesterday. I was playing GTA San Andreas on the home PC, busy with the low riding mission were CJ goes to get his sister Kendal from Ceasar. I couldn’t finish the mission because I didn’t know you were supposed to use the numpad arrows to bounce the car, so I gave up and quit the game. I started searching around the pc clicking random folders to see what was in them, then I came across the search option of windows XP. So I started searching for pictures, music and videos nothing dodgy came up, until I checked the “search all locations” on pc check box. To my 10-year-old astonishment I found my father’s porn, and boy was there a lot of it. It was like striking a gold mine at that point, I was so captivated by the beauty of the women and the acts they performed for the men, I wasn’t ready. I came across a specific video with two very pretty girls having a threesome with some dude that blew my mind and I couldn’t resist touching myself, it was the first time I had ever masturbated in my life and it felt good. So good that something inside of me told me that this was bad and I shouldn’t do it, so I shut the pc of and went to bed. A number of days went by; I was at a friend’s house playing outside then he diced to share his little secret with me. He had buried torn out pages from a porno mag that he showed me and when his parents left he showed me some porn on their computer. We talked about it and I started to think it was ok cause I felt that I wasn’t the only one, so I went home and watched porn again despite my instincts telling me not to, inevitably I masturbated again, and again, and again until it became a habit. Over the next nine years the habit grew and it subtly caused damage to my psyche and various aspects of my life without me knowing.

As I progressed in primary school I found myself looking at girls in class and thinking of what it would be like to have sex with them, without even thinking of talking to them first or emotionally connecting with them. This grew throughout high school to the point where I would ask guys randomly if they would have sex with a given girl, objectifying women sexually like nothing. This kind of thinking amplified by my growing use of porn and excessive masturbation made me extremely shy and awkward around people especially girls. Because of this I haven’t learned how to be just friends with a girl let alone have a real emotionally intimate relationship. To this day I have not had a single girl that I called my “girlfriend”, although I have had numerous girls interested in me and I’m not a virgin, I always messed it up by letting petty things get in the way. Such as letting minor physical imperfections like slightly crooked toes get in the way or fear of being scolded by other guys for me dating a girl that they didn’t find attractive.

PMO has caused me much emotional pain such as loneliness, emptiness, sadness, depression, anger, fear and detachment. This is the reason why I joined the NoFap community, I am determined to free myself from the tormenting grip that is PMO with the psychological support of the community. I recognise that I have great potential in me to achieve great things, but the first step towards achieving this potential is decapitating the three headed hydra that is PORN, MASTURBATION and ORGASM.

 

Shot DBug, I appreciate the welcoming bro. Let's end this emasculating behavior as a unit!

 

I joined Nofap on September 4th since then I managed a 6-day streak from the 4th up until the 9th, then on the 10th I relapsed. Then I managed to abstain again on the 11th just to relapse again today, on the 12th. The feeling of failure and disappointment after you relapse well and truly sucks, 2 minutes afterwards it feels like I’ve lost half of my manhood. This has been going on for months now, getting a short streak then relapsing, getting a short streak then relapsing and getting a short streak then relapsing. In the beginning it’s relatively easy for me to abstain, but after a day or two when my libido builds up, it becomes like walking on a tight rope above sharks swimming in an ocean of lava… I’m turning 21 the 30th of this month, I had a goal of reaching the 90-day mark before I turned 21 but as the case stands that’s not going to happen. I really don’t want to end up like other guys… 25, 30 years old still PMO’ing, good lord the thought scares me :|. I wish I could unscrew my penis for a few months and then screw it back on but that’s obviously not possible. I feel as though in the day and age we live in that it’s easier to get porn than it is to talk to another human or even breath, it’s a sad thought… Starting tomorrow I will get back on the horse and take it day by day again. My new goal is to hit 90 days before the end of this year. I truly don’t want to start 2017 still addicted to the heroin that is PMO...

 

4 days in, today will be day 5. I read the Porn circuit I found on covenant eyes, it's very enlightening about how the neuron-mechanics work behind porn/masturbation addiction. A key thing I learned is the mental triple-A model to deal with urges mentally. It stands for Acknowledge, Avert and Affirm. Once an urge hits you, you have to Acknowledge that you are being assaulted by your brains messed up wiring, then you have to tell your self it's you vs you and avert the urge, once you moved passed it affirm it by giving yourself a mental high-5. Stay strong and don't PMO!

 

7 days in, today will be day 8. Watched P today, however, my hands stayed out of my pants so I didn't MO. I read in the covenant eyes pdf I found that the first 14 days of quitting any addiction is known as "the wall", which is the hardest part and after you break through the wall it becomes easier. I wouldn't know because I can't remember ever abstaining from PMO for that long in years, this will be the first time. I'm determined to make it.

 

Relapsed, my will in this area is weak... After yesterday's post, I feel like a loser. P really is the enemy, because once the dopamine starts flowing it becomes very difficult to resist the temptation to click on another video... I thought I'd be able to control myself whilst watching P but obviously, I was horribly wrong and I should have known better... F*ck me sideways!!! Starting tomorrow I will try my utmost best to completely refrain from and avoid all sexually arousing stimuli, and I will also download a goal tracker app so I can see the chain of days building up to motivate me to not break the streak. Once this month passes, I only have exactly 3 months to reach the 90-day mark, I need to realise this and take it to heart and mind...