suffering from sexual performance anxiety after earlier cases of ED

comminghome · Apr 26, 2014

hello, this is my second day in my rebooting, and i would like to start a thread to see if theres anyone like me here. i`m guessing that it is, and i`m hoping that someone has some good experiences after rebooting, maybe some good advice as well =)

for starters: i don`t know if my problem so much is the ED itself, compared to the mental damage caused by it in the years after.

you se, I`ve had several cases of ED, most of them some years ago and sometimes it`s been pretty bad for me. But after things got sorted out with my last girlfriend ( we were together for almost a year, without having an ED) it hasn`t really happened to me more than two times the last year, and even then, i was still able to get an erection and finish of after a while. I´ve even been having random sex with girls, after becoming single again, and i even have a regular sex partner of wich i`ve been having sex with for several months, often many times a week.

off course, here is my problem: one of the reasons why i don`t get so much ED, is that when i have sex, i usually have been drinking -> becoming less insecure -> sexual performance anxiety (SPA) goes to a certain degree more away. by now, you can probably see where i am going with this. i believe that my worst enemy is my SPA, and that if i was to gain confidence - like when i`m drunk, things would get better for me. but how to gain confidence, if even a normal, or even great sex life with several partners hasn`t helped? i still feel anxious about going on dates or other situations where i possibly could end up in a position where i might disapoint a girl sexually, or a stranger girl, because of ED. this still is on my mindset on a daily basis all though it hasn`t happened in a long time. even in my dreams sometimes i am unable to perform, if it`s a sexual dream, because my mind lives out the true nightmare that i fear even more than spiders.

the fear of things going wrong has slowly taken over my brain system. i suffer from sexual and somewhat also social anxiety. i`ve had various depressions, and i also know that i have been a porn addict seems the age of thirteen, trying to quit the last three years, but not yet succeeded, until i`ve found this site, and read up, got educated on the subject and how it affects your brain. it`s incredible, and so good to know. the dots are really connecting. so while i hope that i can become rebooted physically, i also hope that this is gonna give me more confidence. I am a good looking guy, and i love girls. i wanna be able to appreciate them so much more, but without all the pressure, expectations and fears of things going hoplessly wrong. i am gonna update this thread on my journey, and hopefully some of you other guys can relate to this, and we can help eachother along the way. finally, as i said before. if anyone can relate to my story/situation, please do not hessitate to comment and join in for some advice or maybe just sharing your stories as well. i believe it really can be helpfull. i feel much better now at least

comminghome · Apr 27, 2014

i`m gonna try to keep writing most of the days as a reminder of how important this is to me and it`s also really important to remember all the facts when one is sufferng from withdrawals.

it`s been three days since my last fap, and yesterday i struggled with sleeping. had a really sexy dream but i woke up before anything had happened. noticing that my brain is trying to turn me around and make women on the streets to objects, but i refuse to give in. the thought structure that has been developing for me over the last ten years has not been good, and i really see that now and how porn has affected it. gonna keep it up, reminding myself everyday of how important it is to keep my mind focused all along in this period. my confidence is high, and i`m feeling pretty good about this right now. hoping to get some sleep tonight cause i`m in a pretty rough studyperiod, but overall i know it`s worth it. i am going for full recovery.

matø · Apr 28, 2014

Your story is pretty simular to mine. I also have a bit of social anxiety (or use to have), cause I've really practiced my social skills since I was about 20. I'm 24 now. But I too have had problems with confidence and social gatherings. To be honest with you, I've really hated myself in the past. Didn't like what I saw in the mirror then and people use to tell me that I was such a layed back good looking and funny which was none sense to me. I'm pretty closed about my feelings to others even the ones I know very well. I've had a big self esteem problem and with my social anxiety it can be tough to bring up in conversation even with a close friend. I also fall into the routine of thinking; 'I can handle everything myself I don't need to talk to people about how I feel'. All along while I was walking around feeling miserable.

The interesting thing about all this and both our stories is that IT'S ALL IN OUR HEADS.

For the last 4-5 years, I've done a lot to gain a happier life where I can be myself truly! I've been running a lot to help against my feelings of stress and I've been practicing my social skills.

Even though I can feel social awkward I've always felt that a could read many girls. Like what they were thinking and needing at a certain moment but sadly because of my social anxiety, most of the times I've been holding back. I've been sitting and looking at a girl thinking; "I know how she feels! I can sense it. I should tell her that... Etc etc..' But I've rarely done anything about it because of... Well.. Of Social anxiety.

By the way, if anyone in here is great with girls, give us some tips!

I few things I would like to point out about confidentiel is that I grew up with a not very supporting family (because my parents got divorced and there was alot of throwing things around and screaming and arguing). I remember having to ask them if they could go outside and fight which usaually causes them to get all quite which gave me a pretty uncomfortable feeling. Like when there's suddently so quite that you can hear a tone in the room and every little november seems loud.
Anyway my point is that i think alot of my social anxiety and fear of discussions is a result of this. It's very good to be aware of where your weaknesses come from. That gives you an insight to what you need to work on. And it draws a new perspective to your life. Actually it can be like hints for how you should tackle you difficulties. Try to look back on your life!

Another thing about confidence is body language. I'm practicing this every day. Back straight, shoulders back, head looking up, no hands in pockets, no hands in front of you, no moving stressful through the city, holding eye contact, no thinking what others might think (if they even do so!). Be willing to take up space, wherever you sit in public or anywhere else, that is your place as long as you sit there. And in conversation as well. Always assume that people will be quite. You have to talk. Ask them anything. It's all about getting over it. It's as simple as that!!

But I know it's still hard when you've got a depression. But try making a plan for a happier life. You can do that. And it might be in years from now. I'm still thinking when I'm 30 I will be able to do that and that and that etc. little steps draw a big picture.

Very long post now I know but it felt good to write

comminghome · Apr 29, 2014

thank you for posting matsø! first i have to say my anxiety and depressions are very tiny and occasionally, mainly i would say i am a pretty happy guy. the anxiety goes more as a result of my sexual thinking structure, and i`ve really noticed how big part that has been in my life, especially now when i am working hard to establish a new mindset. But i`m gonna share something with you that happened the other day:

usually when i work out in the gym, i often start to feel uncomfortable because i feel that people (girls) ar e watching me and judging so i become very self conscious. after i stop looking at all the girls in a sexual way, trying not to focus on them as much as i used to, i suddenly, the other day, noticed that i felt really good about myself and that i didn`t care if anyone was watching. because i didn`t watch them. it was an amazing feeling, and a great experience.

i have to had problems with my parents and i know some of my insecurity stams from them, but i also know how to deal with it, and as you said, that is important !

comminghome · Apr 29, 2014

i can give you one good tip with girls:

ask them quiestions that make them talk. especially about them self. be interested, so that they dont get the feeling that ur just trying to hook up,cause hooking up doesnt really matter in the first place if ur just trying to get to know someone. if she`s interested/or interesting, she`l start to ask you back, the confersation starts flowing and there you go. if she`s not interesting but u still wanna hook up, keep asking questions and make her feel that your interested

JJnofap · Apr 30, 2014

Yeah I have noticed my anxiety with women and the public in general gets worse when my expectations and fear of things going wrong are high. And when I genuinely don't care (and/or am intoxicated) is when I'm way more comfortable being myself and attracting people. Sometimes it can take a few letdowns and disappointments to get to the not giving a f**k state of mind though.

comminghome · Apr 30, 2014

word! that`s why i believe that if you don`t feel really comfortable with a girl, you should rather drop it than trying to get with someone you don`t really like

comminghome · Apr 30, 2014

SO, this is my sixth day of nofap, tomorrow it`s been a week, and i`ve got to say, i really do feel good. i don`t know if it`s a coincidence but today has been an extraordinary great day. i feel like i`ve got all this positive energy, and i feel like talking to everyone. it`s a good feeling, and i also feel that i have control over my situation, not really needing to masturbate or watching porn. That`s really all i have to say about my situation for now. i feel good

comminghome · May 3, 2014

it`s now been nine days since my last fap. i am turning to nofap because right now it is the hardest part of staying away from porn so far. i had to write something right now to keep my motivation up cause it is getting hard, literally. som thoughts has been planted in my brain and right now as i am going to sleep i am writing this as a reminder of why i am doing this. the fact that it is getting difficult, like right now, is a good thing. it means that the prosess has already been started and that the brain is reacting to it, negatively off course, but that is what`s supposed to happen. i am proud of been getting so far, and in five days, after breaking 15, it will become the longest period i`ve gone without masturbating since i first started, ten years ago. this isn`t just a joke to me, like it neither is to all of you other guys trying to recover. it truly means something to all of you. to me, getting trough this means everything. i just have to remind my self of that, and that truly is why i am writing. well, going to bed now, feeling much better already. this was a good idèa

comminghome · May 5, 2014

11 days since last fap. really think i am starting to get abstinence symptoms. i need some motivation now to not fall back. it`s been so cool sustaining from this but, yeah. it`s really difficoult right now. i miss porn the most, i guess. not that much porn but just to look at a sexy women on the screen. whenever i have started to fall back, this has been the difficult part, and if i do listen, and start slowly by watching more soft things like women in bikini on youtube, i now i am gonna crack. i don`t know if anybody reads this thread, but i really need some motivational help right now.

comminghome · May 6, 2014

thank you very much for the response. it really helps! i am gonna follow up on your advice on blocking websites. and also a very good point, what your saying about the way i think and react to triggers. 12 days no, still going strong! thanks again, i really needed some feedback

NoED · May 8, 2014

Hi Comminghome,

Reading your posts on this thread its like you are describing a lot of the problems I’ve had in my post-porn life. I’ve have been free of porn’s grip on my life for the past 3 months, and it feels amazing! However, I have had several instances of erectile dysfunction like you. I have also had bouts of depression and anxiety of varying intensities for my entire life. I’m 27 years old now and the last few years I have made a lot of progress with my anxiety, like making new friends, talking to people is easy and I don’t feel like I’ll have a panic attack in a large crowd. My porn habits exacerbated the end of my last serious relationship which lasted almost 3 years. Now I am single and living in a big city with lots of available women. Casual sex is something completely new to me however, and I think some of the anxiety relates to being uncomfortable with intimate contact, when I don’t know the women all that well. Of course, having a few drinks does help me to relax as well so its probably an anxiety issue. I mostly have ED with one woman I see. Sex with her has been up and down (literally). I think the root of the problem is that she is not very attractive to me(older, overweight, etc.). A friend that I have sex with rarely, maybe once a month, who I first admitted my porn problems to, is much more attractive by today’s standards, and I didn’t have any erectile problems when we had sex last month. So, I think what really makes the difference is how comfortable you are with the woman you are with. The main thing is to not take any steps backwards; and give up on porn forever. For someone like me who has used porn from early adolescence and well into adulthood the challenge is huge but extremely worth it. Sex is so good for you in so many ways, and once you get over porn addiction your life will be awesome. Tips: Take up healthier habits to replace your porn habits and exercise a lot. Avoid all internet representations of women; porn, google images, tumblr, facebook, movies with sex scenes, its all the same for your brain even if you aren’t masturbating. Spend as much time around real females as possible, even if you aren’t on dates. All these things helped move me along. Let me know if you need more help in your quest!!

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