Subconscious shame?

Hi, I'm new to /r/nofap.

Just the quick background on me: I'm 38, been in several relationships including marriage (and divorce), have had a range of sexual styles from polite to aggressive, generally haven't had many problems in bed other than following my divorce (I walked in on my wife cheating, so it messed with my head). I've looked at porn since I was in maybe middle school or high school, starting obviously with magazines (this was the late 80's/early 90's, derp), then getting online. I would say that normally I might look at porn and fap anywhere from once a day to once a week. I guess I go through "spurts", no pun intended. I don't think I have any kind of weird porn viewing practices. I usually look at solo girls, no particular fetishes (maybe high heels) - I don't know, I guess I feel like I don't do anything particularly crazy here, but that's self-reporting; what do I know? If the porn is intercourse, I mainly get excited by when it looks like the girl is legitimately into it, when they kiss, etc. I'm not too much into poundhole-style porn.

I think one thing that's worth mentioning is that I started masturbating in 4th grade. I guess I was maybe 9. It seems early. But I had an encounter with a pool jet, and, well, the rest is history. Then I learned how to pleasure myself with my hands, although I had no idea what was happening. I did it in the dark, so when I came I thought I was peeing. I don't remember when I first realized it was something else.

So why am I here? Well, to be blunt, I'm terrified of saying "hello" to women. I'm NOT a shy person. If it's a guy, or a woman I don't care about sexually, I can strike up any old conversation, embarrass myself, do whatever. I do not give a single f. But when it's a pretty girl, I utterly shut down, gripped with anxiety. Maybe it's normal. But, part of what shuts me down is a sudden rushing in of thoughts about how I'm not worthy, usually coming in the form of brutal self-criticism, mainly about things that I don't think are true when I think about it outside of that moment. Do I have low self esteem? Well, again, this ONLY happens in the context of saying hello to an attractive woman. It doesn't interfere with my life at work (I work in a very competitive/type-A heavy environment), or anywhere else. I only feel low self esteem right in that moment of anticipation of opening with a pretty girl. (And for what it's worth, I almost never, ever, ever go through with opening, due to this. I've pretty much ONLY ever met women via online dating other than my first few girlfriends before online dating.)

Okay, still what does this have to do with fapping?

Well, I obviously want to solve this problem, and I've tried coming at it from the self esteem point of view, but it just doesn't seem like the actual cause. WHY is my self loathing so intense ONLY right when I think about possibly introducing myself to a pretty girl? WHY do I think they're ready to judge me, instead of just saying "here's a nice looking friendly guy with interesting things to say?" WHY do I think I will be met with such scorn and rejection?

I remember when I was younger, around middle school, I started to develop this weird worry that girls knew when you thought about them and masturbated. It was kind of a joke in my head, but every once in a while I would wonder. It was weird. I knew it wasn't true, but I worried that it might be.

And so recently it dawned on me that I may have accrued ~30 years of shame of masturbating, shame that I only feel when I want to approach a woman, shame of thinking they're going to reject me with prejudice because when I talk to them that will demonstrate that I want sex (somewhere down the road), and that's an affront to them, because I'm a perv. I'm not articulating this very well. Does it make sense?

It's weird though because I've never been ashamed to masturbate in front of a partner. No problem whatsoever.

It's just starting to feel like when I feel that anxiety of talking to a pretty girl, it's based on assuming that I'm IMMEDIATELY going to be judged negatively by them -- and why would it be negative and why would it be so immediate? It's starting to feel like the answer is because I feel shame, intense shame masquerading as low self esteem, and the only place that I can deduce as the origin of this shame, is masturbation, and I mean specifically masturbation while thinking about/looking at girls, and early on in my life before porn, exclusively masturbating while thinking about girls I knew.

So what's peoples' take on this theory? Any chance this might be the cause? Any chance I can unwind 30 years of shame? I jerked off yesterday, so I'm only 1 day fap-free.

Where do I start? Err, stop?

 

Hey Water2Funk,

I've got bad news. Getting in shape does not help. I recently got pretty damn well in shape, and no change in approaching women.

By all means, get in shape, god yes. It does feel awesome. But it doesn't help me be any less terrified.

I'm really hoping nofap is going to help with that part.