Struggling to believe I have the strength

I'd like to start by saying that I'm overall a good and positive person.

Also, trigger warning, i want to go into some detail so that my experience is clear.

I am married with three children. I started becoming addicted to porn initially in my early teens, maybe slightly before.

It started with the dawn of the internet and the reality that I , even as a minor, could access pornography and explicit chatrooms.

It felt exciting and developed into an interest in the fact that real encounters were possible. I still remember, at about 14, telling my friend that there was someone on a chatroom who said they lived near me and wanted to have sex. I didn't pursue on that occasion, but the intrigue stuck.

I was confident in my teens and dated the popular girls, but I wasn't really sexually active - had a few failed experiences with gfs and then a long term relationship, where we just didn't have intercourse and never really discussed it (17-20).

I then had an on/off relationship for years - I was clearly more into it being on than her. And the sex was amazing, but that's often all it was. A night together, sex, and then silence until the next weekend.

In between this, I continued to be addicted to porn and the idea of meeting strangers. This then also progressed to gay chat/personal ads (which had also begun in my teens to a degree). And finally I acted out with an older gay couple i met on a phoneline - not a good experience and cut short by PE). I used craigslist and gumtree and had multiple encounters with strangers - intercourse with girls and random soft encounters with men.

I did do a version of Nofap in my 20s and felt very happy at that time, but at some point succumbed again.

When I met my wife, at first I was slightly open about being sexually adventurous, but as our relationship evolved her religion/culture came more to the forefront and she spoke out about such things - though she did also chat online to guys sometimes.

I was relatively in control, but a few things changed that.

1/ i found a couple of sites where I could easily meet a lot of the girls i fantasised about (won't go into details)

2/ I had improved finances and was able to sometimes be on my own in a hotel in new countries for a few days

I still resisted acting out, and rather used to get off on knowing that something was available if I wanted. sometimes I got as close as giving my hotel out, but not sharing room number when they arrived. Dumb, I know.

Then, after finding a new site, that really connected me to lots of girls who shared a certain fantasy, I acted out for the first time since married - I should add, I placed huge limits on what I thought was acceptable. But then had a few similar encounters

TRIGGER WARNING - blindfold, light touch, massage, be not naked and not climaxing.

I went a bit beyond this once (oral), and felt terrible afterwards.

I should add, my wife has her own issues and had accused me all of our relationship of having affairs, doing other things, which simply weren't true.

Over the past 10 years, with girls I've probably acted out about 7 times - but never kissed or had intercourse.

Gay fantasies took over again a bit, due to availability - it took too much to try to set up encounters with girls and my wife was suspecting me more and more.

This resulted in Grindr and several, again light, encounters. No intercourse, no kissing (which has no appeal). i do also fantasise about cross dressing and did explore this with one guy.

again, went slightly beyond my previous limits over time, but still no kissing/ no intercourse.

The other thing is random video cam sites and chat rooms - with the first hoping to meet younger (legal) and latter sometimes posing as a younger female.

I should add, I also find myself looking a lot and fantasising - neighbours, when out etc. But I've never even really flirted in "real life" - even once when there was some chemistry with a colleague, I remained incredibly respectful and distanced myself.

Now, I'm worried that, if I don't address this issue, I will continue to struggle in my rleationship, suffer at work (where I soemtimes lose focus), and even perhaps bring shame onto my family and everyone.

I've started to realize more and more that, although I justifed what I was doing, because I had limits and my marriage was bad, and I'm just very sexual, lots of what I'm doing is also wrong.

The issue is, if I know I'm to have an opportunity to act out, I still get excited. I even sometimes think about what events I could plan with work to get me to a certain location (I am quite senior in my profession).

I am sometimes alone for weeks, as my wife travels home to see her family overseas, and when I imagine those periods I just have so little faith I will stay disciplined.

I constantly excuse myself or allow myself certain light things - even just looking at an account on twitter - but this always jsut spirals.

I guess I'm just looking for support that I can get over this thing properly, forever, and start to fix some of the issues it's caused.

Many thanks

 

Thanks man. Much appreciated.

I guess what sums it up is - battling my demons.

And the opposition is when they get on top and I start to embrace them as normal or justifiable instead. I will set up a jornaling thread as think that will help me

 

Thanks for that. Yep, exactly - didn't consider any of it as cheating, as no emotion, no kissing, no intercourse. But clearly it's still cheating.

It's about trying to rewire my thinking to be more typical when it comes to understanding whats normal and acceptable, and what's not.