STORY TIME! - I Just Embarrassed Myself In Front of My Class

I unfortunately relapsed the other day after a 50+ day streak and, well, today wasn't the best day to be a college student.

So I am an animation student at a college in Massachusetts and today we were pitching ideas for our shorts. At first, I was calm, collected and felt alright, no great but alright. Then the teacher calls my name. Suddenly, my anxiety shoots through the roof. I have my head down, walking to the front of the class. I present my idea, despite my emotional situation. As I was talking, my voice was so weak, my brain was running a thousand miles an hour and i just didn't want to be there. It was so bad that i choked three times throughout the presentation, THREE TIMES. I haven't experienced this since my PMO situation was at its worst, and that was like two years ago. I can already sense the discomfort of my peers as they watch me struggle to do something simple, yet so nerve wrecking. When i returned to my seat my friends looked at me like i just said something that you shouldn't say at a dinner table. I felt like shit.

I left class and commuted back home, with shame and humiliation. I decided instead of escaping my negative emotions through Youtube or other destructive habits, I decided to embrace the humiliation, owning my shadow and claiming "Yes, I fucked up, and that's OK." As I placed the images of me choking in front of my peers, I could sense my anxiety weakening. By not reacting to the image of the moment, I learned to make peace with my mistake.

I decided to go to the gym right after I got home and did some treadmill, push-ups, crunches, bicep curls, etc. After that I looked at my situation and realized something. Because of my horrendous presentation, I may have helped set the bar low and thought, "I just made the shittiest presentation so that people don't have to worry about theirs." And that actually made me feel good. Tbh, I was expecting myself to be bothered by this for a long time, but I'm now at peace with the moment. I wont go away, that i'm sure, but fighting against it is unproductive.

What does this have to do with PMO? When I was clean for more than 6 months in a previous streak, my social anxiety was non-existent. I could look people in the eye, hold down conversations, flirt with girls and even go through presentations without the fear of judgement. And when I went back to PMO... you get the idea.

It was then i realized I have a new reason to quit porn. How can I present my ideas if i can't even remain calm and collected. How can I connect with people if i stay in the shadows. How can I ask for peoples opinions if i am afraid what they will have to say about my thoughts. PMO, in my case, has devastated my social behaviors, and it shows. Before i go addicted to porn, I didn't care what people thought about me. But when I started using porn, my mindset changed. I thought it was just me growing up but It was actually the artificial stimuli that caused the change in behavior.

I've made extra precautions to not fall into the same traps as I did before. DNSOpen is active on both computer and phone. I deleted my social media apps, except YouTube (I don't know why but i like listening to music through there instead of Pandora or Spotify.) So I would like to ask you all a question.

What measures did you do to ensure that you wouldn't relapse during the first 3 months and beyond. Did you get rid of your devices? Did you take a hiatus from the internet? I would love to hear from others on their advice.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading and I will hopefully have a positive update in the future.