Story of my life...

I've been on the site - and having a PMO streak - for one week now. The decision to start a streak was strongly influenced by our decision with my wife to get divorced after 15 year long relationship, and as a result I've been going through a lot in the past 7 days, not just related to fighting through the first week of the streak, but also having to face the ghosts of my past - the things that I've known to have been there but not having had the courage and will-power to face everything truthfully.

But I think that I've finally had the external push forcing me to face my ghosts, and to take the next step in that journey I felt that I have to sort out my own thoughts by writing these down and also daring to come clean by sharing something that I've kept strictly hidden for years, eventually hurting myself and our relationship greatly.. Maybe there is also something in my story that will help someone else to figure out something about their past as well..? To avoid the same mistakes I made.. Or try to correct them when you still have time..

Anyway, the thing is that I've come to realize that I am PMO addict and have always been, since pretty young age. The tendency has fluctuated along the years, sometimes being almost at bay for periods of time, just to kick back in some time later, probably with boredom increasing or stress level growing in other sectors of my life. But the bottom line is that I've had it since my early teen years and it has definitely had a profound effect on my life for the past 30 years..

By the time I was in early 20s I had not yet had a girlfriend nor had any real sexual experiences with a girl. But having been horny throughout my teens and discovering masturbation already around age 11 I also spent much of my time during my teen years dreaming of relations with girls of about my age, dreaming of such a wonderful thought of having a girl friend, but I was too immature and too shy to do anything about it, hence my sexuality apparently wired itself to get kicks from fantasies that I had of girls that I had crushes on, of course combined with touching myself during those fantasies and eventually getting off for those thoughts.

I dreamed of many different girls, ones that I found interesting and sexy and cute (usually combination of all three, which was the "magic button" for me) but never dared to act upon it, rather just masturbating in my room thinking of that girl of my dreams and how would her naked body look like or how would it be like to have sex with her. So now that I think of it, it was less about porn for me (porn was also less easily accessible still in the 90s with internet being still in the cribs) and more about dreaming of a girl while masturbating to even quite wild fantasies of her and what she would let me do to her and with her.

I find it interesting that I actually realize it only now that for me this PMO is actually more about "FMO", fantasies of a girl while masturbating until orgasm. Throughout my early 20s I was still too insecure about myself to dare to approach real girls - which is kind of strange now when I think of it as I've always been to some extent an "alfa male" and I've later learned that there must have been some girls who were looking at me and dreaming of me, but somehow my sexuality had turned too much "inward" and into that "FMO" mode already that I wasn't anymore having strong enough urge pushing me to talk to those girls or even to simply notice when someone was trying to send her signals to me..

Then at about age 26 I met a girl - my to-be wife - through some close friends. She was smart, interesting, beautiful.! More than I could have ever wanted! She was in many ways a perfect girl for me, and her being only 20 at the time when we met it kind of felt like finally getting my "lost years of my youth" back and getting to live it again with the kind of a girl that I had always dreamed of.

What I did not maybe notice, though, was that while she was amazing, nice and super-beautiful - and in my young lust and after not having had a real affair with any girl before she was feeling simply just perfect for me - she still wasn't maybe pushing all the buttons in me? Which is kind of crazy as she was and still is definitely a 10/10 girl for sure! But now with more life lived and learned I've come to realize that sexual appeal may be about some other subtle things as well, and while you may find a girl amazingly beautiful and anybody in their right mind would call you crazy for not wanting her more than anything else in the world, it turns out that maybe there is some secret ingredient needed in that cocktail as well, invisible to one's eye, making a certain girl drive a guy absolutely crazy and wanting to stick his dick inside her..

So I wanted her as my wife, I did, very much! She was interesting and fun and nice and we had a lot of fun together! I really appreciated her and adored her and wanted to show up with her in places and make all other guys jealous of me having such a gorgeous girl as my partner! She also quickly became my best friend and her family turned into my "second family" and we spent a lot of time together. We had good an intelligent talks and we liked to do similar things. So she was ticking pretty much almost all the boxes of a perfect relationship.. And what more could one ask for?? Nothing is perfect in life, and she felt as close to perfect as I could ever imagine!

The only thing is - and I may have overlooked this for all those 15 years that I had a privilege of being her partner - that while we were pretty much perfect in every other sense, there was maybe something small but quite important missing a bit, part of that "secret sexual ingredient" making boy and girl want each other like nothing else.. Maybe for me that was somehow my unconscious craving for strongly feminine characteristics, some kind of "feminine sensitivity and vulnerability" and on the physical side being "petite and cute"? And probably for her there were also some similar aspects of my masculinity "nagging" at her.. But we were too young and too much seeing everything else being perfect that we (or at least I) did not see this as any kind of issue..

And to be honest, maybe it wouldn't even have been an issue..? But because of my background - my lack of experience with girls in my teen years and unfulfilled desires stemming from that gap, plus my go-to method of filling that gap with M&O induced by fantasizing of some girl of my dreams, our sex life gradually turned into sex which was technically quite good, we both usually had an orgasm and enjoyed having sex in that sense, but maybe our love-making was somewhat "hollow" and I wasn't fully present in that moment. I wasn't getting my sexual energy from "there and then", from the amazing feeling of my penis getting to sink inside her, but rather from me applying my well-learned skill of "FMO" to get my penis erect and ready for intercourse and then soon after that getting my "kick" out of my fantasies rather than from focusing on her and the amazing thing we were just doing together there and then..!

So, you can guess the rest of our story.. She already "walked away" from our marriage once 7 years ago, after which we got together again. But I think these fundamental issues in me and hence in our relationship did not get fixed (many other things did, though!) in that first wave of transformation seven years ago, but they rather stayed in the background for a while, just to creep back into picture a few years later. And now here I am, breaking up with her for the, second time, and this time probably forever Just to learn only now, 15 years later, what seems to have been the issue all along..!

I don't know to what extent it was because of that fundamental mismatch in our sexual desires? And to what extent it was just the unfortunate combination of that mismatch together with my toxic "FMO" acquired sexual preference stemming from my teen year experiences? But what I can say for sure is that it was that combination of both - in some unknown proportions - that lead us to those issues in our sex life and as a result also to the lack of deep emotional connection between us two..

So key learning: DO GET RID OF PMO BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE, or "M&O while fantasizing" as was the case for me, no matter what it takes! Hence I'm on my 90-day reset now.. And secondly, pay attention to the subtle signals in your sexual desire and attraction, go to bed with someone (well, for me now earliest after that 90-day reset, that is..) only if it really feels like you simply just cannot stay away from touching her all over her body and you cannot anymore keep your penis off her body.

Let's see how it goes.. I'm only through with my week 1, so at least 12 more to go before even getting to think of acting upon the latter point. But I hope that I will have something more to post along the way, about progress of my PMO streak first, and maybe then later about the latter point of starting to re-explore my sexuality and sexual desires, although this time with me also fully present in that very moment and getting my pleasure solely from being present and getting to penetrate her, instead of letting my mind wander somewhere else during the act..

These are my two cents, at least for now.. As said, a HEFTY price to pay.. Almost too high to be even able to bare with..! But maybe the only possible way out for me from my past and into a renewed future..?

 

Hi Kadampa, and thanks for your words! They definitely did not hurt me, they rather helped to put words on something that I probably deep inside already kind of knew, but could not really put my finger on it..

I think you are very right about needing to "find that inner teen boy" who is stuck in his past and in that fantasy about perfect sex partner or the "girl of our dreams". A concept that as such is impossible and the whole concept entails that she is "unreachable" and that's why the whole thing is doomed for disaster, just like you said..

Maybe - or likely - something to look for in therapy.. How to find that poor boy stuck in his hopeless dream and take him by the hand out of that hopeless place and to a better and more realistic place to continue his journey.. Let's see how it goes, but thanks for your wise words! They definitely helped,did not hurt at all!