Stopping porn has waken me up and now I'm lost

Hi guys, a bit of background here before explaining the issue. Please bare with me English is not my mother tongue. Thanks for reading.

I'm 29 years old almoast 30. I fucked up my twenties and I'm still a virgin although I've been trying to improve my life the past couple of years.
I've been abstaining from porn and masturbation for about 3 months and a half now. I didn't know about Nofap. I just did it because I was tired of my pathetic lifestyle. I don't miss it at all and have no urge to go back to it. I can't believe I've been doing this for my entire youth.
Now I've discovered the community and I've been reading topics for a couple of weeks and find it helpful so thank you all. The problem is that I'm not sure my case is really or only porn related and that scares me.

Anyway these 3 months have been quite easy for me, I did not struggle except for the first week or so. I now wake up every morning with a boner except from this week because I had a wet dream 5 days ago. These morning woods are the only erections I get. Nothing has ever happened during the day. I feel numb most of the time. I only feel something slightly moving down there when I fantasize about girls but it happens very rarely.

So for the past couple of years I've been improving my general behaviour, lost some weight, excersised more, socialised with people including girls and so on... confidence is better and I kinda look and behave like a normal dude most of the time.

But deep down I'm not. The thing is all these wasted years have a price. I've been acting like a coward avoiding the issue without caring too much but now I'm back in the game and it's time to pay. I feel completely lost. I have to start from the beggining with girls and have the concerns of a 15 yo teenage but have the problem of a grandpa.

When I'm with a girl that I like and I know she likes me I'm completely hopeless when it comes to go one step further. I'm capable of doing the flirting part but anytime I have to get physical I completely freak out. The only idea of kissing scares me. I'm basically acting like a pussy everytime I have to get intimate. I'm quite anxious and can't feel any sexual attraction when this happen. Actually I've haven't felt arroused around girls as long as I can remember. I don't know if it's only stress or more. I've been wondering if I were assexual or whatever but the fact is when I spend some time with a girl I like I just can't get into intimacy. My brain doesn't associate sex with girls. I have been to cabarets on some occasions with my friends, they like it I don't. When hoes come and sit on ours laps and start touching our dicks I don't feel anything but embarassment. I only kissed a girl once when I was 20. I was nervous and didn't enjoy it. I spend a couple of hours in bed cuddling with a girl when I was like 18 but I was too tense to do anything and I wasn't aroused at all.

Nowadays aren't any better. Saturday night I spent the evening with a nice beautiful girl and we had some drinks together. I like her she likes me, all lights are green, planets are lined up, Xmas is coming. I bring her back home we talk all the way but I already feel anxious even though I'm tipsy. Once we get there I kiss her on the chick (European here nothing special) and I leave. Next day the girl texts me so she makes me understand she'd like to go on a second date but I don't give it an other try cuz I kow the exact same shit will happen ... I'll lose my balls. I feel like crap and frustration grows a little bit more every time.

Don't know what I really should do. I was thinking about getting an escort just to rule out the assexual option. I don't care about the moral question. i'm almoast 30 and have given up on having a perfect life and if seeing a prositute can help me improve the situation I will see one. The thing is I've been thinking too much and taking no action. I need to DO something but don't know what.

I'm starting to lose my mind here. It's difficult to listen to my thoughts because I've been lying to myself for so long that I can't trust what it's telling me. Back in the days I would just jack off to release the tension and not care about girls anymore but now that my balls are full 24/7 i'm getting insane. I think about it all the time. I can't sleep. I do stupid shit just for the sake of it. Drive in the traffic with my bicycle like a mad man. Go running at night just to feel good. I'm taking classes again and I can keep myself still most of the time.

I've been thinking about seeing a therapist but what therapist? I haven't seen a doctor since I'm kid. Psychologist, Psychiatrist? Sexologist? Freud?

I'm afraid this will takes years and now is the last chance for me to get into a normal relationship like young people are supposed to have.

Can anybody relate to what I'm saying?

Thanks for reading I apologize for bad grammar and poor wording.

Cheers.

 

Hehe thanks mate I know they're great listeners but also very good at gossiping and since I live in a small town it could be socially devastating. But yeah I guess i'm just making up excuses for not taking action.

 

I know man. it has already happened so many time. Story of my life. I need to bite the bullet. Train may be already gone this time again.

Good luck man. We all see our problems like the worst but there is light for everybody I guess.

That's what I did without knowing it. You have no idea how easy this nofap thing is for me. i have absolutely no will to go back to pron nor to masturbate.

Well you get the idea but I agree with you.