Starting to realise my life is absolutely fucked

Hi

Make a conscious decision of going through purgatory, and beyond, into the deepest pit of hell, so you can shed away the things that harm you, and go back afloat as a new man.

Get rid of things, one by one, imagine you are on a dark sea, and this things keep you from sinking in it, but also don't let you swim to the shore.

If you first remove things like alcohol, and weed or other drugs, is not going to just restore you, you will, if anything, feel more boredom, your mind will crave more dopamine, you will fall deeper into the pit, you will feel worse, much worse, for a while...

But removing those things, is part of a process, embrace the pain, because as counter intuitive as it may seem, through pain will end up coming healing.

Porn is certainly one of worse ones, because is not only dopamine, but an opioid like addiction.

If you truly have ADHD, make yourself conscious, that you brain on a regular condition, produces little dopamine, hence, you want to be as sensitive to it as you possibly can, and you do that by starving it.

Instead of overflowing your brain with dopamine from this or that, to try and compensate it, slowly, try to starve it, so it becomes more sensitive, the starvation process will feel as hell itself, but after walking through hell barefoot you might reach heaven.

Choose your suffering, you can either feel the suffering you are experiencing now, or pick a much bigger and deeper suffering that will help you heal on the long run. Step by step, one thing at a time.

There is no getting away from it, but you can take the steps in the right direction, so it gets better.

Last but not least, eventually, after going through hell itself, you will still have a mind that craves dopamine, but now a much more sensitive one to it, just like it was when you started walking through this downward spiral, is then, when you will have to find, constructive, positive things, that become "your fix", heavy exercise comes to mind, rich high protein and fat meals, comes to mind, going to flirt for the sake of flirting, comes to mind... but at it's due time

You can still turn your life around, but you have to be concious and willing to pay the price of your misbehaviours, and endure the suffering required to heal and become a new man, the man you are meant to be.

May god bless you son.

 

I didn't read the original post but Priest's message is deadly honest and I agree. We are limited to the wiring of the human machines that we control and if you don't suffer through starvation, you suffer through excess. Unfortunately, many of us learn once it's too late. "It's never too late." It's never too late to fight the good fight, but by the time we realise there's something wrong, the wiring of our brains makes it near impossible to fix.

Time heals all. But ultimately we die.

 

I can relate in a way. I used to be high on weed since 13 till 33yo. At the same time it was constatnt PMO, cigarrettes, coffee, alcohol, other drugs, crazy parties, illegal activities.

Than for some god damned reason I stopped it all...thing u try to achieve.

After immemse suffering like a pig, here I am, 5 years later, still suffering. Just today I once again questioned, why I even do this.

I think Im beyond repair. Like, it makes no sense to go on like this for another 5 years, because WHY??? Nobody cares what I do, not even god will judge me and say "you was a good boy, no cigs and drugs, u go to fucking heaven son".. everyone around me is smoking, drinking, fucking and they have fun and do not suffer.

Fuck me :/

 

Want to know something man? This is normal. Think about it. I've heard like a thousand stories or more just like this. It is a typical reaction to isolation and porn. It isn't necessarily your failure as a human, it's what a human would do given the exact conditions you were exposed to. This post is as much for me as it is for you, and first and foremost I'm sorry this happened to you. This may sound harsh, but some people on this planet find themselves in worse situations, environments, and conditions. You have people who have experienced the holocaust, torture, losing their children, extremely painful situations. You are part of the human experience, and your isolation is a perfectly reasonable approach to your situation, if you begin to look at your life in a rational way, you might start to understand the concept of forgiveness, forgiving oneself, being present and a "father" to oneself. Your brain has this section called the prefrontal cortex, now, the only methods I know of activating this cortex, besides intense meditation, is self-talk. This may sound silly, but there is science to back this up. ADHD sufferers have low executive function, which is a function of the prefrontal cortex, this is the "newer" part of the brain that separates humans from lower animals. When you actively participate in self-talk, you are activating an executive function. The automatic thoughts are like the "world", they are not an executive function, meaning, YOU don't "do" them, they are automatic. Your emotions are mostly run by the primitive parts of your brain, the limbic system, and all the fear and anxiety comes from your amigdila or reptilian brain, this is the most primitive part of the brain. The prefrontal cortex is the "newer" part of the brain, it developed more recently in evolutionary terms, and can override those automatic thoughts, but it isn't "easy". You literally have to become your own Dad. You need to become your own "father" in a sense and always talk to yourself in an approving and loving way. This may sound stupid, silly, woo woo, or just downright wrong, but self talk is scientifically proven to be an executive function of the prefrontal cortex, and you DO have control over that, meaning, when you find yourself catastrophizing and fortune telling about a bad future, you are literally writing your own script. You can create meaning, or, you can let the world, and the automatic stream of thoughts, dictate meaning for you, by believing whatever this automatic thought stream dictates.

Also, quiting porn isn't the pinnacle, or the final solution. Your entire life is linked around this problem, and porn is just one expression of the main problem: unworthiness, shame, trauma, etc. There is a phenomenon in psychology called an "extinction burst". For me, this extinction burst led to novel behaviors. When I quit watching porn, I developed new bizzare and novel behaviors. I too fell into the "trans" trap, pun intended. I too have been isolating but I've made major changes in my life to give me an outlet for the potential of success. There is a way of setting things up so you have the potential to succeed, you can't wait until you are clean of porn to start living. You have to decide that you are worthy first, and start doing things you actually enjoy, and not listening to that automatic stream that says "nope, not this, not that, you can't do that, etc".

For me personally I started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu 2 to 3 times a week, lifting weights, and running. I have no interest in romantic relationships at this point, and it doesn't bother me anymore, yes I'm human, and I still have that urge occasionally to be with someone, but I told myself a while back, "it's okay to be alone, I will love you anyways, it's okay to be with someone too, but it's also okay to be alone, you're loved and you're okay". This kind of self talk took me years to develop and not feel silly. You would be surprised how well this can soothe yourself over a period of time. It is literally like becoming your own father, coaching yourself, soothing yourself, telling yourself "you're safe buddy, it's okay, you're safe, you're safe" over and over like a mantra, you've got to get messages from the prefrontal cortex to that old limbic system, the reptilian brain. I'm still not an expert at this, I fuck up, I took a couple of gabapentins today and they make me feel good for a couple hours, and I try my best to limit my drug use. I quit smoking nicotine and weed completely, that is a first big step. The issue is finding a coping mechanism that can replace these other behaviors that don't work, like self talk and self soothing, physical activity has also worked wonders for me, as well as reading books on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I've relapsed several times this year, and in fact just relpased right now, not on porn but fapping. But you know what the difference is now, is I catch myself "catastrophising" or circling the drain, going down into a spiral. You detach from that, you see it as your old self, or your son, an other, and you coax it, forgive it, tell it you love it, and that it will be okay. You make it your mantra. You talk to yourself and tell yourself you'll never leave or abandon yourself. Maybe you got abused as a kid, and never felt fully safe around your parents or siblings, so you tell yourself things like "you're always safe with me, I'll always be here if you get angry, upset, afraid, lonely, I'll always be around, you can rely on me for safety". Especially during a relapse, you've gotta be able to tell yourself it's okay, otherwise you are just going spiral further down. These are aspects of self forgiveness. T

I highly recommend Brazillian Jiu Jitsu, find a BJJ gym near you, sign up, and go at least twice a week. There is a comradery there, you'll make new friends, there are more people like you than you think, it's okay to be a lone wolf, you can still have friends, you don't NEED to have deep, intense relationships with people, you just need some normal human contact every now and then. BJJ will enable you to have healthy physical contact with other men, and some women too. It's like a brotherhood, and there is a structured, tiered progression. It will take 7 to 10 years to earn a black belt, maybe 5 years if you're unbelievably good and dedicated. You can eventually compete if you want. Grappling is amazingly addicting and fun, even though your first few weeks will be hell!! But it's worth it. Everyone there is battling demons of their own, you don't know what everyone else is going through... your problem isn't that unique or special, it's part of the human condition.
So keep your chin up bro. Don't fucking give up. The world kicks all our asses in different ways, but imagine if you actually loved yourself unconditionally, theres nothing you could do that would exempt you from it.
This won't happen overnight, but try to do some vipassana meditation several times a week. Sit down, focus your attention on your breathe, when your mind wanders off in thought, gently bring your attention back to the breathe. Once you get good at that, put your attention on the tip or your nose, or your forehead between the eyes, when your attention wanders gently bring your attention back to that spot. There have been scientific studies that show that this type of practice can actually increase brain matter in the prefrontal cortex region, pretty crazy, which means better executive function, which means better self talk, and eventually a better functioning internally, more internal harmony. There is a path forward, begin to take an interest in your potential, and if you take anything from this post, it's to GO FUCKING EASY ON YOURSELF bro. I'm serious, give yourself a fucking break man, you're gonna be okay.

 

One thing to realize is that your environment will override your will power most of the time. If you hang out with friends who smoke and drink all the time, you'll smoke and drink too. Dont be afraid to ditch expired relationships. Also, I guarantee you those people suffer, they may not show it, but it's a guarantee they suffer, and suffer hard. They wouldn't be doing all those things if they weren't suffering, that is how they self-soothe. It works for them. You gotta decide whether or not it works for you. There is also an element here of catastrophizing, you end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy for yourself, you write your own script. If you decide the next 5 years are fucked, and find every reason why it's so, then that is a really shitty place to be. 99% of this journey is all about frame, disposition, attitude. It makes a HUGE difference in your recovery. Saying shit like "I can't go on another 5 years" can fuck you over more than fapping ever could. The sexual acting out is an EFFECT, and not a CAUSE of your suffering. You think that if you could just stop jerking off, your life would improve. Not a chance. Because in reality jerking off, watching porn, is not the CAUSE, but rather it is the EFFECT of unresolved mental suffering. The fact is, you could be addicted to anything, but your environment and life situation lead you into a porn and sexual preference, instead of a preference for food addiction, or heroin. Thing is, mindset is everything in this game of recovery. If your mind is set on the past, and forecasts nothing but shit in the future, then you will follow that because you are setting it up that way. On the other hand, if you continually coach yourself like a good father to a son, you no longer abuse yourself for mistakes, you no longer treat yourself like your unworthy of love and respect, and you don't tolerate any kind of negative self talk, you'll be amazed that the next 5 years could be the best you've ever had. Have you ever considered that you create your own meaning? And if you decide that things are shit and will continue to be shit, that is extremely dangerous, because you write the script internally.