Starting the 90 day challenge -- here's my story

I've been masturbating to porn for an extremely long time. It all started with discovering my Father's porn magazines at 8 years old. It was decently hardcore, and at first I was disgusted by it. As these things go, and as curiosity took over, I grew to like what I saw, and began to masturbate to the images. While it wasn't consistent from there on out, as access to porn is extremely difficult at that age, I continued to masturbate until I was about 10 without much porn. When I moved back in with my Dad, I once again found his magazines, and found videos he'd downloaded on the computer. Whenever he left the house, I found myself running in and using the material to fap. This continued until I found a trashcan full of hardcore magazines and videos at 12. The magazines were mainly huge breasted women, and the videos were mainly asian. These served me until I was 15, when I moved in with my Mom and had my own computer. For about 3 years I faped at least once daily. On days I was home alone, I could do it up to 5-6x. During those years, it was mainly anal porn and amateur porn.

Fast forward to 20, and more free porn sites began to show up. I was in college and had my own room, so I faped at least 2x a day. My porn proclivity was heavily into anal and bent over and spread pics of girls. I'd say it was relatively 'normal' stuff, but I was beginning to get into some of the weirder stuff at this point. From then until now, my porn addiction was prevalent. Spending multiple times a day fapping was time consuming, and affected my normal relationships. It gave me some sick warped sense of sex. I never engaged in that type with the girlfriends, but it still lended me this dark side I knew wasn't normal. I got into more extreme anal for a few years--gaping, fisitng, insertion. After a couple years of this I started getting into transwomen as well (which was extremely suprising to me). I am straight and in no way attracted to gay males or masculinity, but somehow super feminine transwoman porn worked for me--it was always anal. This curiosity led me to look at craigslist. While there were no women posting on the casual encounters section, there were plenty of transwomen. I reached out to one, who sent me pics and wanted to meet up. I gave my number out, and the person called. As soon as I heard the masculine undertones in their voice, I was immediately turned off and hung up. I probably didn't look at transwoman porn for a year or so after that. But it did creep up. After perusing so much of the internets porn, I'd eventually find myself there. I'd basically seen all of the anal porn--or at least all of the scenarios, positions, etc.--on the web, so to get that extra dopamine kick, I would end up at transwoman porn. Every time I fapped to it, I felt guilty and disgusted with myself. Because of the disgust, I'd always cycle in and out of this type of porn. The steadies would always be intense female orgasms, fisting, insertions, anal gaping, and sometimes just a different type of girl (i.e. indian porn).

About a year and a half ago, I was living with my girlfriend, and fapping behind her back. This greatly effected our sexual-relationship during these months of fapping, as I was less eager to have sex with her and more eager to look at porn. After a few months of living with her, I had begun an up-cycle on transwoman porn. When she went away for a work trip, I posted an ad on CL for transgendered people. I don't know why I posted it. It's like something came over me, and it helped get me off. I actually didn't have any real intention on meeting up with anyone, but the process of them sending pics and showing interest made the fetish seem closer to me, and it made me get off. Alas, when the girlfriend came back, she found that I had posted on CL through my browsing history. I was devastated. After all these years of keeping this side of me a complete secret to everyone in my life, this was the first time anyone had peered into my demons. I never really realized before then how much fapping can affect your life and your relationships, but it all became clear at that moment. I always thought that because it was secret, and denied that it affected my relationships, that there was no harm in it. All those times with her, and with previous GFs where I'd be distant, or not happy with our sex life, it was because I had a porn addiction that warped my reality. And this transwoman thing? Trying to convince a girl that you aren't gay, and that it was a symptom of an elevated porn addiction is another matter. I ruined the trust and broke the heart of a girl that I've loved dearly. I always had no intention of meeting up with someone, so in my warped addict mind, I wasn't cheating and I was just getting myself off, so no harm done, right? Well this shit hurts people and distorts reality. I can whole heartedly say that I'm not gay. I have no problem with being gay. If I were I know I'd accept it. It's just so crazy what dopamine and addiction pathways can lead you to.

I'm on this site because I thought I could do noFap alone over the past year and a half since the incident. While I've made great strides and done a lot of soul-searching and research, I have relapsed from time to time with the hard stuff, and I haven't entirely given up porn. At this point in my life, I realize that, like an alcoholic saying they're just going to drink in moderation, I can't convince myself that I can just look at porn in moderation as a sustainable model. I'm looking for support to go noFap for good. I want to have good, emotionally fulfilling sex without porn in my life from here on out. I consider 01/29/2013 as my first day of noFap, and I look forward to breaking my ties with porn and healing my brain for good.

 

Thanks man! Got myself a counter!