Starting Over: Reflections Of My Experiences

This thread is dedicated to my return to the journey of freeing myself from negative habits associated with my porn use. If you can relate to what I am saying here, any questions or comments will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

My Past Struggles/History of Current Situation
I would like to take a second to reflect on my past. Hopefully this can help to give some clarity to my current situation, as well as providing fuel to help me move forward in my quest for satisfaction on my life. I discovered sexuality at a very young age. By the time I was in first grade I had become attracted to girls in my class, as well as movie characters most notably. This came to a head when I was in the third or fourth grade, and my friends in school had told me about porn. I looked it up on a tablet I had, and quickly became intrigued by it. The rush of seeing naked women and the feeling of fear of getting caught made it an exhilarating experience at the time. I ended up getting caught one day, and my parents were definitely alarmed by me finding sexuality at such a young age. Then it happened again a couple years later. Hindsight being 20/20 I was starting my addiction early on. I had not known about masturbation at the time, but once I got to middle school I had the brilliant idea while watching porn at home one day. I looked at my hand and thought to myself, "Why can't I just make a circle with my hand and pretend it's a vagina?" And so my first nut was bust. I fell in love with the feeling of cumming. This on top of the fact that depression runs in my family and I was getting my first taste of bullying and depressive episodes made the pleasure I got from it my warm oasis to escape to. No matter how shitty I felt at the time I could always bust a nut and feel better. I progressively fell into increasingly stimulating categories. It started out very vanilla, and lead to more intense genres as time went on. My friend group at the time was experimenting with the idea of different sexual orientation, and had made me question my own sexuality. I knew I was straight, but the peer pressured me by saying things like "How do you know if you never tried it?" or "You might be Bi and not realize it." This questioning, and the discovery of sissy/transgender porn made it a recipe for disaster. I fell deep into a hole of a rampant sex addiction. I knew I was straight deep down, but the shame and shock value of more fucked up porn kept me coming back. Add a poor self esteem and shitty self image, and I was truly lost in the sauce. In the later years of high school I hid my other side from everyone. I graduated high school, and I discovered NoFap. I was tired of feeling like a weak pussy internally.

My Battle: Successes and Failures
My first attempts at NoFap were shot down immediately. It took me almost 6 months to get a streak that was greater than 2 weeks. Then I had a 2 month streak. Things seemed to be getting better, and were moving in a positive direction. I regularly hit the gym, I was going through EMT school. My self image started improving. I got my Advanced EMT certification, and started working on an ambulance. The Summer of 2022 rolled around and I had been working a lot. I dedicated myself to self improvement, and was journalling daily. I was getting strong in the gym, and had been having success with girls. A lot of my internalized beliefs were being uprooted and replaced with more positive, healthy, masculine views. I became the man I was supposed to be. I was overcoming my addiction to porn. The genres I used to find myself stuck in no longer affected me because I was in a healthier mindset. Everything culminated with me meeting my first real serious girlfriend. Things were awesome at first. I learned how to intimate with a real girl, and I was feeling internally fulfilled. Porn still had an effect on me. I was still in the throes of it. I was watching vanilla stuff comparatively, but the standards set by porn and the overstimulation lead to me being unable to get hard when we were getting sexual more times than I would like to admit. Our relationship ended in a very toxic fashion, of which I won't get into here. Long story short she made me miserable by the end of us dating. My mental health was at rock bottom again. This leads to today.

Where I Am Today, And Where I Want To Be
I am writing this today as a declaration to success in my future. I had a moment of extreme weakness from the loneliness and how bad my mental health is. My ex texted me a few weeks ago begging to get back with me. It was the hardest thing I had ever done to turn her down because I truly still loved her and cared about her. We were not meant to be together. Last night I has drinking beers with some friends around a fire in my back yard. Things were fine until the boys left to go home. I was laying in bed, and the thought of holding me ex hit me in the face. In my drunken and pathetic state I texted her. I simply asked if she was doing well, but the shame of folding and trying to rekindle what had made me so miserable sickened me. Am I really that much of a pussy? I blocked her number again, and am not going to reach out to her again. As for the beers, it is probably a good idea to lay off them until I am mentally healthy again. I got accepted into a very prestigious paramedic school, and am going through an intensive program in a few weeks. It will require a lot of time and dedication. I am essentially not going to have time for anything except studying and going to the gym. I need to become disciplined and get rid of my weaknesses and my addictions if I am going to succeed. I know what needs to be done, I just need to draw the strength and do it. My plan is to start journalling again, and set up my life strictly around my goals. I do not have time to give to anyone or anything else. I am going to reform myself into the most ideal version I can be. I did it last summer, but now its time to put it into practice for good. I am going to make it through this.

Thanks for listening to this. I'm not really sure why I decided to write this, or what will come from it, but like I said before I sort of see it as an oath to becoming the man I need to be and seeking out success.