Starting again.

i was active here for a short time several months ago. Had some moderate success in breaking the cycle for a week or two at a time followed by failing miserably. Started reading a book about porn obsession and now trying to reboot. Thanks for listening.

 

The book is Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. I got it on Amazon. He offers skype and phone counseling at a fee which I am reluctant to pay. He doesn't push the online counseling in the book. The book seems to be quite insightful. I have read 3 chapters so far and am doing the exercises. I am pleased with it so far.

 

Thank you for the advice. I am starting the journaling and meditation/prayer time.

 

Starting the next day's journaling now as I take my first step away from my old self. I believed that seeing sexy women was my trigger for my self indulgence (M). They are everywhere from television to movies, advertising, even my Facebook page. I have come to realize that they are not my trigger. My trigger is loneliness, boredom, and disappointment. I am disappointed in what is left of my work life and things in my life did not work out as a I expected. I'm not saying that things are bad or woe is me, because I have done rather well in spite of these disappointments. I revert back to the escape and euphoria of M when I feel this way. After M I don't feel better...actually I feel worse. I need to remember that. I also need to find contentment in just existing. I don't need to be the best or the adulation of success in other people's eyes to feel like I accomplished something. I need to find contentment in just doing simple things like painting the hallway door or organizing my tools for a move. Maybe I can watch a movie or a show and not look for the titilation of a half dressed women to feel excited about watching it. I have a long way to go. I am not going to count days just going to keep stepping away. One step one day. Hopefully I don't fall. Thanks for listening.

 

Another day another step. Made it through the day with minimal desires although I did feel the pull of the computer to do a little porn surfing. I managed to avoid giving in. I got the door in the hallway painted and took care of some other business. The disappointment that I feel regarding work came on pretty strong tonight, that is a trigger and I have reached a point where I identify that trigger and resist it's control over me. I liked Awakening123's suggestion of downloading k9 for the computer. The password issue has me concerned because if I know the password then why have one? I really don't want to share this compulsion with anyone I know so I'm not exactly sure how to get a password done. I will think on it. The weekend is here and that usually means I will be a little busy and less lonely so that is a good thing. Anyway got one more step in the right direction today. Thanks for listening/reading.

 

Happy that you like it! It is helping me too.

 

Thanks! I appreciate that. Something to consider. How do you do a pm here?

 

Another step away today. Not a whole lot of activity today. I work nights and slept amazing today (which is unusual). My wife was home and made a nice dinner. This journey away from self indulgence will hopefully bring back some of the intimacy that has been missing in our relationship. I believe that the porn use results in my unrealistic expectations for my spouse. Since I've been heavily involved with porn over the last several years it has taken a toll. She is a great girl and she deserves better and a better version of me. The guilt and shame I feel is not insignificant today. I am however feeling better today than I was yesterday. I still feel the pull to the computer and the gratification I get there but am resisting. Tomorrow should be relatively easy to stay away but Monday will be a test and a challenge. Thanks for listening/reading.