Starting a new way of living

Dear fapstronauts, let me introduce myself.

I just turned 29 years old this last May(2017), so apart of getting one year older, i reached a full year atending therapy, just reached a moment where i felt full of doubts about who i am, and why my life has been constantly unstable. I moved back with my family(brother and mother), since i left the apartment i used to lived.

This months have been really eye opening. I think that for two moths and a half long i´ve spend most of my time writing a lot and dealing with very unpleasent aspects of my reality. I cry many many time a week. I think i havent cried this much since many many years (its hard but liberating). Some aspects are:
Living with my family again and loosing many aspects of independeance, and having serious flashbacks about the apartment, where i grow up for many years. I havent lived here since like 6 years ago(my mothers house, also my older brother lives here), and it brings me flashback of a lot of the family conflicts i lived with them while growing up.

I had been depresed since many many years ago. I think it got serious around 20, when i decided to attend the Pysichiatric Hospital. Took me like a year to really felt good again, so after that i restarded school, life and proyects.

Serious problems with autorithy, a constant lack of consistency and permanence. Started to had problems at school and authority since i was 11 years old. This never stoped. It just really improved when i finished the basic 12 elementary years at home(high school).Also studied photography since 18th years old . But things got out of control again at university: depresed, without will to live, expellled from career, loosed friends, girlfriend, credibility.

Realized about the dark side of my family. Living with them again got me to see the unhealthy dinamics of the past and the present. The violence in which we lived for many many years. Very conflictive parents, never achieved to divorse, just been living apart since many decades ago. Spent many years (until 18) been in the middle of their troubles,wars, attacks and sick threaths and games. Depresive and cronically sick mother. Violent,lier, abusive and narcisistic father(Borderline).Lived with him for two and a half years, decided two save money and leave for the benefit of my mental health.


And yes, at the top of this: A Porn and Masturbation adiction since my maybe 14th years old; Ansiety, living with fear, depression, loneliness, antisocial behavior, lots of hours of my life flushing away to this horrible adiction. Loosed virginity at 22(it was very pleasing). Problems to keep with long term relations.

So this is bassically me. I made a 80+ streak(no Porn or masturbation) and saw another way of living, a more fullfiling one. Started datin a wonderfull and beautifull girl,got to work on healing the past,recognize many weakness and things that hurt. I also reinstated and abandoned room in the building i lived, so i can use it as an studio to make art. I relapsed since the girl im into moved to another state, someone robbed my bicicle and having financial issues. Felt really lonely and depressed but just decided to put on my feet and keep getting stronger. I really want and deserve a better life so ill be writting here to keep the good work.
THANKS TO ALL THE COMMUNITY- Been reading you and its been inspiring and very very helpfull. I feel blessed.
Starting again: Day 0!

 

Thank you very much. Ill be here posting everyday. Count on me to beat this. Lets keep it real.

 

Thanks for your welcome. Im amazed of how hard could be to beat this adiction. I think my current strategies are the next ones:

Make one post or more i this forum. Keep my journal
Realized that i need to make my commitment stronger by joining this community. I made it through 80+ days but never interact with the community. So, ¿why did i keep my adiction to myself instead of working about it with the help of you guys, people with very similar intentions and experiences? I cant make it by myself, and needed to be aware of it.
Keeping a personal Journal with more constancy
Is also one of my strategies. It has worked a lot for me, but constancy started to fail like 2 weeks ago, no surprise i took back my old habits(MO) in a moment of emotional weakness. Just figured out that i developed part of this adictions to run away from reality, from the things that hurt,to scape. So writting everyday has become de emotional digestion that i need, instead of adiction-evasion.
Keep away from social network
I manage to reduce the time i spent in social networks. But since i relapsed some days ago i have been spending hours using instagram, facebook. Also had an app to date and meet girls,which i am going to delete finishing this post.
Work hard on my personal proyects
In order to put my mind away from adiction ill try to work more on
A) Gardening- im starting a garden on my roof. Its just the begining but its getting better step by step. Im just transforming an abandoned roof full of spiders into a nice place to garden, grow some vegetables and hang a hammock. This activity really heals my soul.
B)Get my creativity back Also in the roof i made myself an studio- Want to work on some art proyects i have been procastinating since long time ago. Also i do some work office in here.
C) Excersice and meditation
Its been really challenging for me to excersice and meditate daily, but now its time to start practicing it.
I might try some Yoga. Also i used to practice martial arts (centuries ago), so i know how to train, just need to make the commitment couse(even though im skinny) im in bad shape this days.
I used to bike a lot- In fact it is the way i move around almost all the time. i am used to 28+ kilometers in a day but unfortunately my bike was stolen last week. Looking for a new one.
D) Work on social skills and healthy relationships
I Really need to build some new and healthy relations, and also to keep and care the ones i already have. I just remove some toxic persons from my life this year and it made a diference.
So, this is it. It really helped me to write this things down to get clarity. Thank you very much, your comments are very apretiated.

 

Im keeping a journal right here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...it-90-days-journey.145120/page-4#post-1330872

Thank you all for your support.