Starting a new life at the age of 39

Hi there,

First of all I am a PMO addict.
I share my story to support others who might have had similar experiences and to gain support from those who have already made progress. I am not native English so sorry for my linguistic mistakes.
I started rubbing at a very early age, 5-6 or something, I do not remember much of it, but it must have been some stress relieve that time, howver I cannot recall any childhood trauma. My parents tried to drive my attention from it, stating that it is something wrong, but no professional advice was sought after. As I grew up I got attracted by visualizing hot women, magazines, movies, etc. and was doing M quite a lot. I was kind of a loner not socializing deeply a lot, and kind of liked the I created for my own, where my well being was not depending on other people around me, and I was getting deeper in M, associating it with perfect bodies, tits, ass, etc.

Real life is different though... I did have several chances to get laid while in high school, but the girls were nearly not as perfect like in the movies in the magazines, so I did not show much interest. My first love was hot like hell, and I was getting my first real sex experience, and it was awesome. I definetely preferred real sex over PMO, however I was facing performance anxiety and signs of PIED as well. The relationship was constantly up and down, and when it was over PMO returned as a habit again. At college I attracted many girls I had sex with some of them but once again they were not as perfect as the P I visualized, so PMO was always the easier option than working for real sex.

Years later I got married, and with my wife real sex was good. She was really satisfied with the quality of our sex life, not with the quantity though. I could not give up PMO, and as our relationship started to deteriorate, I was turning towards PMO more and more. We got divorced after 13 years (not because PMO, but mostly other indifferences), and since the divorce I fell deeper into PMO.

And to make things worse... I started getting high on weed still in college. I am OK with weed itself as a recreational smoker, and still like the habit. I smoke occasionally, like to play games with friends, socializing, etc. no addiction whatsoever. For quite a long time I seriously not doing any PMO while being high on weed. But one occasion I fell, and realized that PMO is much better being high on weed. So lately I became a PMO on weed addict, realizing that I am not enjoying the high anymore, and want to do it only to make PMO binge sessions even better.

As 2 years passed by after my divorce, I am desperate to start a new life. Despite all the things above I have been very succesful with my work, I have a beautiful home of my own, I own several good businesses, I am financially very stable, I have great friends, friends for 15-20 years. All I am missing is a family of my own. But for this I NEED TO REBOOT.

Four months ago I met a girls (hot like hell), but of course the first we were about to sleep together no erection. Clear PIED. Blue pills helped the second time, but took me 2 hours to come (she had 4 Os during the time, so at least I made her happy). We were dating for two months, she loved sex with me, but I realized that something is not working well. We did not split because of PMO, but once again I realized that I NEED TO REBOOT.

I just found this sight about a week ago, but I am already 20 days PMO free. However right now I am facing desperate physical challenges... I set up the following strategy.

1. I need to disconnect weed from PMO, so for a while I do get high, but use the high really for recreation and do not do any PMO, while on high.
2. At the same time I started a one week challenge, followed by a three weeks challenge, followed by a 3 months challenge followed by a lifelong challenge. I planned some "relapses", but I want to disconnect P when relapsing.

I felt at the very beginning that I cannot do the hard mode from day one. I can stand the mental desire, however now after 20 days my body is just getting crazy, I do not sleep well and my daily productivity (work, concentrtion, etc.) is extremely low, so I feel I need to do this one step by another.

So this is my story, this is my plan. Any comments, suggestions are welcome!