Starting a 90 day challenge and here goes nothing...

I'm not the best at writing.
I would probably be better off just recording a voice message but that would be weird.
So here's my story.

I've been looking at porn since I was 8. I am 27 now so a big majority of my life has had porn involved in it in some way.
I have always hid my porn watching. It started with my parents and then girlfriends and then ultimately my wife.
Conversations about porn would be brought up with friends and I would just comment that "it used to be a problem when I was younger" and claim that I got over it. Sometimes I would initiate these conversations and comment on how I am different because I don't watch porn. Pretty self loathing and pretty sad really.
I would also lie to my wife.
I've been with her for 10 years and for the whole 10 years she believed that I didn't watch porn because I swore up and down that I didn't. I assumed that in the back of her mind she might think I did every now and again but I know now that she did not know to the extent of what I was doing.

From the beginning I had guilt associated with porn due to my christian up-bringing.
I would watch porn and masturbate and would be crippled with guilt because Jesus was behind me watching me like some creep! (A little humor in a pretty messed up story)
As I grew older and started to mold my own beliefs I started to feel guilty about porn because I knew I was putting my "sexual focus" on something other than my significant other.

Throughout my current adult sex life I have struggled with a sort of sexual stress. Not being able to initiate sex or feeling anxious when it came time to "get it on".
Eventually I fell into a cycle of watching porn about 2-4 times a week and then not really showing much interest in my wife except when she would initiate sex. Basically, if I didn't seek sex out, my wife would lay in bed and think to herself "Am I not attractive enough? Am I not what he wants? Is he gay?" and so on and so forth.
We would have arguments and I would tell her that I didn't know what was wrong and that I would just get "too stressed" or "too anxious" to have sex. I would imply that it was both of our faults even though I knew deep down that the majority of our sexual issues were because of my porn watching and then not caring about actual sex.

I guess my main problem here is the dishonesty and the deceit.

I really believe that my wife is the only person in my life I can be 100% real with but I was holding back this huge secret. The problem is that this secret wasn't just my cross to bear.
This secret caused her great pain and hardship.
She spent countless nights trying to figure out what was wrong with her when I was the one who was pushing her away because of my stupid porn addiction. I was too small to admit this to her and drug her through this mud for 10 years. I'm not sure ill ever be forgiven for this and I understand completely.

So lets get to the current day....
Trump is president elect,
Christmas is almost here,
We still cant have picnics on the moon and...
I just told my wife about my porn addiction 4 days ago.

This isn't a marriage counseling site so ill skip all those gory details and basically say that she wasn't happy and I feel terrible.

I have sought out this website as a solution to a problem that has plagued my life for over 75% of it. I am ready to be free of this and want to prove this to the ones I love.
I am more hopeful now than I have ever been about stopping. There really is something about being open and talking about a HUGE secret in your life feels like a literal weight has lifted off of your shoulders.

I appreciate anyone who read this far.
I'm not sure what I am doing but am ready for what the future holds without porn and without the lies.

Thanks,
-Adam

 

Thanks for the support!
This is my first shot at this and I am making sure that it will work.

 

I think my biggest problem now is the fact that I lied for so long. I feel pretty awful and ashamed of that fact. Hopefully I can rebuild some trust and understanding back into our relationship by doing this challenge and then continuing into my life as a porn free man.

 

I am open to any support I can offer as we go through the same stuff at the same time. I'm new to the whole idea of talking about porn and it's refreshing to be real and honest.

 

Same to you. Let me know if I can offer any help. I wasn't aware of the response I would get from this and I'm floored. Super great!

 

I'm open to any help or accountability that can be given. It's comforting knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff.

 

Just speaking from my own experience of talking to my wife, It's a great feeling to finally be truthful. As weird as that sounds it really is a load off. Just a thought and thanks for the kind words!