Start of my journey to become a Resurrected Soul. NoFap is real!!!

Hello dear fapstronauts, I'm 25 male. Today relapsed after 5 days of streak. But this time unlike previous times I'm not binge watching or depressed instead i have found out where I'm going wrong.

My story goes like this. I was a good looking kid, smart, well behaved ever since I was a young kid everyone said i will far heights. But fate till now had very different path for me. My parents used to fight a lot. I had to go through severe childhood trauma. Since I could remember everyday there used to be a fight, blood screaming abusive words, neighbours coming into check, even cops would showup when my parents fight turns extreme. Not the ideal condition for a kid to grow. I was so ashamed for my parent's. Walking out my home to the school was a lonely Walking. I was ashamed what people will think when they look at me. This resulted in damaged self esteem. I become very shy introvert. School wasn't easy as i always worried what would have happened I have left the home. This thought preoccupied my mind. And school to home was again a anxious lonely walk. From my first grade itself i started to know everything about sex due to things my parents used to accuse each other of. I become very manipulative, good liar at very nascent age. My innocence was robbed from me. I had knowledge of an adult in the age of a first grade kid. Naturally being with kids my age felt silly. I turned to television nd internet. I was very horny from my 2nd grade. Started watching porn from 4th grade. Fapped for first time in 7th grade. This was my getaway from the misery that was happening in my home. I never showed to a person. I was stoic. Alone. Making friends was not easy. I liked to lie some stuff up so i could skip school stay at home and fap. Nobody was there in my home as my mother often leaves to her sisters house after the fight. Well atleast there was no fetish. But that changed when kids of my class were discussing about a girl nd boy of our class Making out. They were in relationship and used to get cosy. I felt so hot That kids my age are actually Making out. She was a hot girl too. I went home imagined the whole thing and fapped. (Never knew this one silly little thing i did i going to have huge impact)
in 9th grade for the first time a girl liked my and we were in relationship for 27days. Never even got a chance to kiss her. I moved on. Become quite a flirt online. Everything was going smoothly, But three years later I was attracted to my first gf again dont know why that happened. But we were not in talking terms. But i started to fap to her pics. And from no where I started this cuckold feeling. 2 of my friends even fapped for her pics. I was getting so turned to when they did that. Then in college things went normal. Cuckold feeling left. Porn addiction controlled a bit. I even went 2months without fapping.
One day A girl texted me in insta. I was at my flirting best. Long story short. She invited me to her college. I went till her front gate. Got cold feet nd left back home. Made up a reason why I couldn't show up. I was embarrassed. We were still in touch. Few months later she got into relationship with some guy nd i felt like a complete loser. I felt that could have been me. After that I deleted insta whatsapp Everything become isolated. Cuckold fetish started to creep in again.

Then again after some years in 2019. I felt Everything turned normal. Studies was going good. Completed college was doing my higher studies. I felt its time i proposed a girl, as I desperately wanted to love someone. I did propose a girl she rejected to my face. Boom gone all the self confidence. Cuckness started creeping but i was living very focused disciplined lifestyle that it went away. I was doing quite good mentally I moved away. And then later I found the girl of my dream in insta.

My dream girl. A girl above my league. Levels superior in all Levels. Never thought she would even be interested in me. I was her secret admirer, a stalker. My one-day we had a great convo. She was impressed by me. Then we become text buddies. Things got so close that we would text non stop 24×7 without getting bored or running out of topics. She had a break up recently with her long time bf. She was in 2 long relationships. But as my confidence was high. I never felt insecure.
We were text buddies but that's how far it went. She friendzoned me. But one weird thing was she started to refuse showing her face in video call or talking to over her voice. She used to vc and talk to other boys but never me. (Still don't know why) nd also refused to me. But she would text non stop. Give pics. She would share every single detail of hers. Family, personal, financial. We were genuinely close. but she was clear, no love, no talking, not showing face. But she used to do that with rest of her friends. I thought she was being shy. So i continued. I ask her pics to fap she would happily give. But no nudes. She used to tell she used to send pics in bra, lingerie to her ex bfs. And they still have it. How they uses to tongue kiss. Because of her I started getting many fetish. Hotpast fetish, femdom,humiliation cuckold etc. She used to say i look ugly( says she said that to for fun, she didn't mean it)i would do her assignments, projects etc. Soon o realised I was putting more effort into this friendship than her. But at the same time she sent many surprise gifts for my birthday. Very conflicting signals. But she never complimented me, appreciated me for anything. I do buy her expensive gifts. But she is not money minded. But I'm not able leave her. It's been 3 years. In order to get real close to her I lost focus in studies. Yet to pasa a exam since 2020. However hard I try I'm going back to her. The thing is i have all the things that's needed for man to be confident but I'm not. Since childhood I felt I'm undeserving of everything, my parents, this rejections, totally damaged my self esteem. Sorry for the long thread

 

I discovered NoFap in Dec 2021, it truly worked but I relapsed after 21 days . Now I'm trying again. God give me strength