SSA, mirrors, and loneliness

I’ve struggled with SSA my whole life, but never identified myself as gay or even really wanted more than occasionally any sort of gay sexual experience. I think my SSA kind of got programmed into me through a combination of a distant father and anxiety/OCD (is that what the term HOCD refers to?). My dad was emotionally uninvolved and didn’t know how to show affection, and at the same time kind of generally disapproving. I’m a Christian so I always heard the message growing up that lust and porn are bad and I shouldn’t look at girls, so my OCD just kind of blocked it. But it didn’t do the same with looking at other guys, so that’s where all my puberty-fueled sexual energy went. Although there was plenty of guilt about that and MO too later, but I think by the time my anxiety latched onto it the programming was already too deep.
I never really saw what most people would call porn more than a handful of times, my downfall was speedos and similar underwear, both on others and myself. So through my teen years I used that kind of stuff same as P, with MO. But I still wanted to get married and have a family.
So I did. I thought I had a great marriage, had 4 kids, lasted 14.5 years, she knew about my SSA and liked seeing me in sexy underwear, and then divorced me last fall (2020, another reason that year sucks). I don’t think my SSA really had anything to do with her wanting the divorce. I can expand on that if anyone’s curious. We had a good sex life, after we got married I stopped MO almost entirely, and even when I did it was never at the same time as I was looking at anything. But at the same time I couldn’t shake the SSA or vanity, I really enjoyed how I looked in different things and went a little overboard in that direction with exotic underwear and stuff (for the most part it was for her admiration, but there was a good amount she didn’t really care for).
I’m on this forum because I’m worried I’m addicted to myself, at this point, in the sense of physical vanity. I’m hoping to get some perspective and input. But it’s not very easy to see because it’s atypical. I’ve been separated for about 8 months now, with only occasional MO, and never looking at anything at the same time as MO, I threw out all of the underwear that anyone would think was weird, for a while went to only boxer briefs. The only time I look at anything is shopping online, and it’s never to MO, although I’ve got to be honest even if I don’t get aroused it still kind of puts some fuel in the tank. After a few months though I bought back a few tamer things like CK briefs and speedos. I like to wear speedos or short square cuts to swim, or short and/or skintight shorts to run and bike. It’s not really about being seen, although I kind of fantasize about finding another guy to wear similar things with (not sure that would end well, unless he had nearly the same values as me), in general I avoid being seen, at least close-up.
I’m trying to figure out if I have an addiction, although it’s not the same as the usual. It’s all mixed up with loneliness and SSA and craving male friends who maybe could show non-sexual physical affection. Even while I was married there was still the void there. Even though I don’t fantasize about physical acts with guys I look at them all the time, I wish I could go swimming or play volleyball with other guys in Speedo’s, or even wrestle (not necessarily in speedos, that’s probably a bad idea). Or even go skinny-dipping, again nothing farther. But only of course with relatively attractive, fit guys.
It affects how I relate to guys, although I have good friends none of them are in that attractive/fit category, and I’m always kind of obsessing about finding one. I’m also a bit obsessive about opportunities to swim in my speedos or just be outside in as brief clothing as possible (without terribly offending someone).
I do notice that when I get positive male interaction, when one of my friends shows they value me in some way, that the sexual component diminishes. But it’s always too little at a time. And guys in America are way too scared to show physical affection, which is my primary love language.
If you got this far, thanks for reading, and you’re welcome to give input. I’m trying to figure out if I need to do a reboot on the clothes I wear, and deal with this vanity. It’s scary though, I’ve realized that my body and the way I look is one of the few things I like about myself. (Although I know intellectually I’m pretty likeable and have good friends, it’s hard to internalize that on a heart level, especially dealing with the rejection of divorce.)