Sometime's I just want to give up on everything!

I'm so broken inside! For about 10 years I go to sleep deep down inside not wanting to wake up ever again just so I won't have to deal with my pain and my thoughts. I'm just an empty shell, a hollow meaningless being!

I've never had anyone who's ever been there for me or genuinely cared for me in a non selfish way in my whole life. Not family, not friends as I have none, and no girl.

The one girl I loved my 1st love 10 years ago stole all of my of confidence and charisma, used it to build herself up and then shit on me, dump me and replace me.

Every girl in my city don't want anything to do with me because of my "player" status since my teens (I'm 29 now). As I was always hitting on girls back then and in turn it gave me a bad rep.

I've hit the lowest rock bottom. I've been at rock bottom for like 9 years now. I have alota problems. No job (I'm unskilled and useless), no money, no friends, no chance of ever having a great girl again. I have extreme pied, and I have peyronie's (curved penis).

I'm doomed! Why should I even abstain from pmo? It's all I had, even though I know it made me worse and induced countless dysfunctions, but still it's all I had!

All I want to do is just cry and feel sorry for myself. I'm so empty and dead inside, I don't even want to live anymore. I find it near impossible to be, think and feel positive when all I am is the opposite.

I feel that Allah doesn't love me. I never learned my religion growing up (Islam) as my parents never bothered to take me to mosque to learn, as they were just too busy dealing and focussing all on my toxic fucking sisters! I was left alone. So I became a video game addict at 5, and a pmo addict at 10. So because I never learned my religion, I don't have that to fall back on in the time of pain and need.

It will take years to learn it (Arabic) which is why at every attempt I always turned my back on learning after just a few days of trying. I have 0 willpower and motivation (pmo induced no doubt). But pmo is all I want! I wish I had a woman who'd be there for me and loved me. It would make this nofap life journey a billion times easier!

 

@chefboyxo You're right, I never used to think like this or be this resentful before 9 years ago. My father died when I was 12, I grew up with no guidance etc! But when "she" broke my heart 9 years ago, I let it break me. I jumped into nicotine addiction (cigarettes), alcohol addiction, cocaine addiction, cannabis addiction, and deeper into my pmo addiction (like 3 or more times a day). I quit alcohol and cocain 6 years ago cold turkey (I don't miss it). Quit cigarettes over a year ago (it was tough but vaping e-cigs helped bigtime). And now I just quit cannabis 3 months ago. Discovered nofap and ybop 2 months, and decided to make a stand against pmo. I had several streaks, longest was 14 days. This pmo addiction is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with! It's been 10 years that I keep living in the past and feeling sorry for myself. I never got over her (pmo never let me get over anything, it keeps you numb and dumb like a child and never lets you grow up). I must stop pmo forever!

@Bale I hear you, but it's kinda abit more complicated than that. I'm not trying to make excuses for not learning, but I'll explain as best as I can... The Quran can never truly be interpreted 100% into any language. Because the Quranic Arabic is the richest and purist language there is. Just one example, like the average English word has like maybe 1, 2 or 3 meanings... whereas most Quranic Arabic words has 100s and even 1000s of meanings! Things get misintepreted through translations, they lose the meanings, contexts, and understandings which can create misconceptions, misunderstandings, confusions etc. There's more examples but I'm too lazy to explain lol. And learning to do Salah (prayer) is just as important as reading/understanding the Quran, and you need to learn Arabic to be able to do it properly. So my point is, learning it first in English is just beating around the bush and will prolong the learning process. That amount of time and effort might as well be put into just starting off with learning it in Arabic. That's what my religious associates say and basically what every religious figure says.

Also true. I must fix myself before taking on women. Because let's face it, if I was to get a woman while I'm in this stage - sooner or later she'd just reject me which will may just basically break what's left of me into unfixable mirco pieces, and I may never recover from that! And yes I have a million mile journey to undertake, that can only be done in one step at a time... in my case, baby steps before full adult steps! I just wish I discovered nofap and ybop like 5 or more years ago. But better late than never right? I might make a later post about my million mile journey broken up into each goal. As it's all in my head but I have no idea how to go about any of them, I'm confused!

@Earl Sweatshirt Solid Snake is one of my many role-models. Huge fan! I was origanlly going to go for a Big Boss name because I liked his games/character/story better! But Solid Snake I believe had a harder journey, as he was mostly alone and self motivated throughout his life journey. Big Boss always had people / emotional support and people to rely on! Solid Snakes' missions were by far tougher! He had amazing strength and courage and emotional stability! I hope they make a follow up MGS after 4 because I want to know what's happened with Old Solid Snake!

 

@hellothere123 Yeah it's just the fanboy in me wants another Solid Snake story. It would be cool if they remade Metal Gear 1 and 2. But I have to say that the best MGS game was MGSV (not story wise, just gameplay wise). I've spent like 700 hours on just the single player lol. Not spoiling it for you if you haven't played it, but something in the story pissed me off, kinda ruined it for me.

And about Islam, it's not for my family or friends or peers etc, it's for me. I've always wanted to become a good practicing Muslim since my mid teens but never had the willpower to see it through. It's what I believe in, it's truth and peace and love and the purpose of life, it's the answer to everything. There's a lot more to life than just this tangible material world and everything in it that we humans are infactuated by, which won't mean anything once we enter the grave. I just want to make myself proud in that aspect and get into it as it's never too late, until it's too late!

My older brother died when I was 2. And my parents were good parents, but they were just simple people, not very strict in any way (which imo is not a good thing. Children need to be disciplined and guided and taught right from wrong contantly and consistently with love and passion etc). My parents couldn't be there for me because my toxic sisters took all of their time and attention with their never ending drama and trouble making behaviour 24/7 even til this very day. My dad died 18 years ago so it's been my mam dealing with them since. And they (my sisters) are getting worse and more toxic as time goes on as they get older. I want to leave this house and make it on my own. This is a huge house. And it's actually my birth right and my inheritance (in theory atleast, not in reality), and I have to give it up just to be free of them!

I didn't want to go to mosque as a child so my mam thought "ok he's my only son, my other son died so I want this one to be happy so I'll never control him and make him do something that he doesn't want to do". I see and empathize with her in this regard but I disagree with it. It's a Muslim parents' duty to teach their kids Islam. It's then upto the child when they come of age in their teens to decide if they want to continue with it on their own or not... as long as they've learned it, they can have it. It's like school. You're forced to learn English Maths and Science etc even if you don't want to or don't want to follow those career paths, but as long as you have it under your belt you can use it whenever wherever. But how can you use something that you don't have? That's why I wish my parents were more strict with me and never left me to myself. I doubt I ever would've picked up a porn habbit if I had discipline, guidance and attention.

Anyway learning anything has always made me lazy and unwilling (pmo played a factor for my lack of will). I failed my high school exams because I never used to go to school, I used to sneak out of school with friends and have fun etc. And even used to just stay home and play video games (which is my biggest hobby btw lol). Mum wouldn't say anything ever or make me go to school because like I said above she wasn't strict at all. It's actually a miracle that I earned my associates / foundation degree in college. God I worked so damn hard for it. Pmo brain fog made it harder than it was I believe now that I look back on it.

And yes you're right, I should look at my conquering of my other demons as another motivational influence. I know I have the potential to be greatest version of myself in life, but potential don't mean squat of I don't put in the effort mentally emotionally spiritually and physically. It's easier said than done, but I have to. For my own sake. I've pmo'd enough for countless lifetimes. I need to grow the fuck up and toughen the fuck up. Can't afford to be living in my own head anymore. But sometimes I can't help it. Abstaining from pmo is making shit slide of my shoulder a million time easier though (sample of a superpower I'm guessing? lol). My first step is to find a job that I can be comfortable with doing for atleast the next year or so.

And sorry if I write too much. I have no where else to go to vent my shit. Nofap is the only place. I'm finding this therapeutic letting my feelings out here with such great people in my same boat. Why pay £100s and even £1000s to a physiatrist who doesn't give a fuck. When the people here actually want to and try to help eachother. Glad I made an account here. I feel way less weighed down.

 

Yeah I found that pmo kept me as a bigger gaming addict than I really was I think. Because when I was 18 to 22 studying at college, I gave up on gaming all together for those years. I didn't realy miss it because I was living life. Things went bad at around 21/22 then I got deeper into pmo. Which in turn got me back to gaming addiction until recently.

In november 3 months ago I started attempting nofap (failed many times), but since doing nofap I find that gaming doesn't have much of a hold over me anymore. I only do it (gaming/movies/shows) out of bordom like you to keep away from pmo (it really helps if you're home and bored). Virtual life however is just a substitute for a lack of a real life!

I still love gaming but my point is, pmo addiction is a drug... and being stoned keeps you addicted to other stuff too like gaming and movies/shows/music etc entertainment in general and/or other chemical substances. And I've been getting stoned since like 10 (pmo). Quit all drugs (which includes pmo), then gaming becomes just a side activity, a reward as you said. I can't see myself spending 1000+ hours like I did with Battlefield3 some years ago since starting nofap 3 months ago. It just doesn't appeal to me that deeply anymore.

 

@uchiha-itachi Thankyou bro I'll gladly accept your offer. Infact you might regret offering lolz because when one day inshallah I get deep into learning my deen I'm always going to be hitting up every muslim associate of mine I know including you I'm sure and yes I have many goals in life. For the first time my eyes are opening to what needs to be done in my life. Better late then never! And you're totally right about needing help from others. Being pushed and encouraged into doing/choosing right especially regarding islam by others is what I've always lacked in my life. So I'll really appreciate your help/input/advice etc.

 

@Kiwi Thanks for your words of encouragement and priceless advice. I must do it all! And stop not believing in myself.

I used to be very self believing and motivated 10 years ago and had dozens of friends. But I let them all go when things started to go downhill between 07-09 because instead of facing my battles and dealing with them through patience and positive thinking, I decided not to and just picked up substance abuse and jumped deeper into pmo. It's only now that I'm waking up and realizing that I need to fight and deal with everything like a normal person is supposed to do.

As far as jobs go. There are a lot, but most of them are the over working / under paying types, that require experience and some other things that I don't have. There's also a lot of call centre jobs, but god they are so depressing. Just sitting at a comp answering calls meeting unrealistic targets for crap pay. Too repetitive for me. The ones I am interested in don't require anything other than just enthusiasm and oh, a driving license (which I don't have one). I'm picky about jobs. I want one that I'll be comfortable doing for at least a year or two to set myself up for better things. Otherwise I won't last a moment and be right back to square one.

I want to get back into lifting too like I was in my teens but, I need a job to pay for the gym and for a bigger bulking diet, for driving lessons, and for some dental work. I just have a lot to do.