Some hard truths

I especially agree with the "go make yourself interesting" first mindset.

Hot take fellas: If you ask the other person about their job and start talking about work on a first date, you are a boring and uninteresting person. Unless you have a cool ass job - then you get a pass. But nobody wants to hear about the mundanities of corporate and retail life. We're all there. We want to experience and hear about things that make us feel alive.

Go do and learn things that make you interesting and these things like what to talk about will come more easily. Learn how to be a better listener as well - there's so many things that you can learn from just talking to new people.

I would argue though, that there's a difference in context in how we can phrase these social questions. For example, asking about what pick-up lines to use on women I think is immature and boring. But if you genuinely have poor social skills, sometimes it can be helpful to learn the basics because social skills, like any other skill, takes practice. So I do think there is value in learning basic social principles, especially if you've never been taught them - like how to convey positive body language (not having arms crossed, posture, etc.) these are all things you could be doing instinctually that put you off but you may not even be aware about it.

YT channels like Charisma on Command talk a lot about how to be more self-aware about body language and how body language is interpreted in social contexts:

Some of the videos are pretty good, though I do not support all of the people this channel uses as examples. (Russell Brand and Ben Shapiro can suck it.)

 

Even when approaching women, you could at least try your best, but I agree with your sentiment.

Let's do my best here and see how it is work out. You will not know where you stand if you do not try your best. And you will not have any room for improvement if you do not try your best. Because how can you know where to improve if you did not try your best first? What's your best? Do you even know it?

So absolutely to try your best when approaching women, go for it. If you tried your best and you failed, that does say you need improvement, which is a good thing, because now you know it.

But generally, aside from the actual moment of approaching women, I agree with you. Much better to develop yourself personally and women will come.

Than get all these tips & tricks about how to approach women when you are a terrible package.

 

Sadly, there are men who think their only problem is that they watch porn and masturbate. They believe if they were just having real sex, then there is nothing wrong and that they're healthy men. In short, we have a lot of porn addicts who are seeking to be sex addicts.

As per the advice to fix yourself before you date, I agree to a point. I think it's noble to want to only give the best version of yourself; however, no one is perfect. The main thing men need to do when seeking to date is to be transparent with the other person to let that person have all the info so they can make an informed decision.

Manipulation and lying are not good foundations for starting and keep a relationship.

 

Spot on... I came to realize these hard truths earlier this year, and have been working on myself since then. I think people need to look at relationships as what they can give rather than what they can get out of it. Many relationships and marriages fail today because, quite frankly, many people are selfish.

 

I think this is really good. It's probably good to take a break from trying to find a partner if there's a lot of work to be done.

But there's a trap to be aware of. It's easy to chase never-ending improvement until one is "ready".

Of course this process is about growth, and porn is a symptom of other issues in life. A way to escape those issues.

But one can also grow with a partner. Help and heal each other in fact.

Let's say you've overcome most of your social anxiety, become fitter, and have a good routine. You probably don't need to wait until "I get a better job", "my fitness is even better", or "I've gone 90 days on NoFap" before finding a girl.

All of those things you should try to achieve if they're your goals. But be careful they aren't subconsciously used against yourself to push the discomfort of finding a good partner away.

TL;DR

You may not be ready right now, but at a certain point avoiding relationships despite having markedly improved yourself, is a form of escapism in itself.

 

i wouldn't use the word "customer" but i agree i have been (broadly) a shitty person to date/share life with. so i won't argue more than that.
thank you for sharing that knowledge (?).

 

I agree my grandpa had 2 wives, i shall have 3 wives !

 

It's insane to believe we live in a society where your value has a man is dependant on what you provide.
If you don't provide anything as a man, you are worse than trash.

Even dogs get more love than men ... Because they are loved by default.

 

Your post is very interesting and encapsulates a healthy view of relationships. What guys don't seem to understand is that the goal of having no problems is non-existent.
Of course, it's great to focus on oneself, and there's nothing wrong with isolating oneself for a period to exercise and take care of oneself; I've done it many times over months and it has brought me benefits. But looking back, it was because I wanted to be perfect and didn't really accept myself.

When I look around me today, I see many guys trying to become better versions of themselves, believing in a happy future after working on themselves, like in the movies. The problem is that this future doesn't exist.

Relationships are not based on a market. Basing relationships on customers and you being the product is the best way to end up alone.

A woman won't have a relationship with you just because you've become the best version of yourself. As I said, the work you do on yourself isn't visible on the outside. Except maybe your close ones, no one will see a difference. I went to the gym 4d per week for 3 years, ate healthy, approach THOUSANDS of women and today I still have social anxiety, doubts, moments when I feel bad.

Work instead on your empathy, your ability to understand others. And to understand others, you must understand yourself. And this understanding starts with forgiveness: forgive yourself for being imperfect, and realize that it makes you unique. 90 days of reboot to find relationships. Reread that sentence and realize how much it reeks of frustration. The hope for a better future after "stopping ejaculation for 3 months".

As if that would work.

Your "addiction", if it can be called that is linked to deeper relationship and self-esteem issues. Stopping compulsive masturbation doesn’t solve the real cause of all of this.
And personal development coaches who give advice without knowing you and tell you who you should be without any idea of what you've been through in your life don't help in forgiving and accepting oneself. These coaches, whether they're in seduction, nofap, etc., make money off the frustration of guys by selling them one-size-fits-all solutions without knowing them. They tell you that you have problems and that you need to be someone else. It doesn't take a genius to see that there's a real problem. But a lost guy who needs a miracle solution to solve all his life problems will see this as a guide and hope, while he probably needs a different approach to get better.

Oh yes, another thing: experiencing social anxiety is also part of being human. A future without social anxiety would be scary. Imagine if no one ever had social doubts...

Everything you forgive in yourself, you forgive in others. By understanding yourself, you understand others. By being kinder to yourself, you are more benevolent towards others. By taking care of yourself every day, you take care of others. That's why I talk about empathy and acceptance. this approach worked for me at least.

You won't find anyone who has solved their problems. My best friends have addiction problems, and they are the best people in the world for me. I've met women who had demons, and we brought a lot to each other to move forward. Because I forgave myself for having problems and realized that it's part of life. So I also forgave others, so I understood others, and that allowed me to connect with them emotionally.

When I read about 90 days of reboot, I just see lost guys looking for miracle solutions.

 

@Spirituss

Cheers man, I think a few things started to click for me this year in a new job. Mostly female staff, and after plenty of chats I've finally been able to let go of seeing them on a pedestal. They're also lonely at times, doubt themselves, have unique interests and issues.

I'll add they don't seem to notice if I'm on a good streak or not either. It seems to be more about whether I'm in a good or bad mindset. I put off the vibe and they pick up on that. Just saying one can be on a low streak, still figuring it out, and still choose to connect with people.

Also agree it's good to have some social anxiety. I read somewhere this even works to your advantage for approaching women. Because if you're totally confident and smooth, it can come across like you're not as invested and interested in her?

 

Good to hear man!

Yes, a girl will never be in a relationship with a guy just because he has become perfect. That doesn't exist. There are girls with whom you naturally won't have a relationship and others with whom you will.
Beyond that, some guys will always have more relationships than others, but that doesn't mean those who have fewer have a problem. It's just natural and depends on many factors beyond our control. I think it's important to stop feeling guilty and live our life as we see fit instead of chasing after futile things just to satisfy our ego.

Not necessarily. I think It's human to feel less comfortable at times, and accepting this can help in self-acceptance and in meeting people who are good for us. Connecting with women we are attracted to becomes easier when we are not wearing a mask, as it allows for more genuine interactions.

 

Sitting in a shitty rent house typing away these useless advices.