Socially chosen isolation

I'm a introverted person as you may have guessed by now, I choose to be on my own as I saw and realized how bad and worse the world is outside my zone, I thought I am getting influenced by some bad crops and that I will turned as one of the societies bad sheeps, so I had not want any of that, I turn my head away and keep my ideas to myself, will not care for others nor sympathize with them, I want to be a cold bloddied emo teenager. As far as I had known I'm not that heartless , just seeing someone argue and fight makes me laught most of the time but deep down I was scared to death what may happened, I was so keep up to ignoring those around other than academics and being a good student. That works too, well for the most part, I had some above average written stuff but man when it comes to reporting and stuff I get so fuckin stiff.

 

I didn't thought it was starting to caught up now, people looks at me with pity, I pity myself for being so spineless, "why can't I just be like that, be that person who doesn't need anyone, whos perfect and all, why can't I??!"

 

They became so nice to me all of the sudden---, no they we're like that at all times we'll for the most part they act to me like a joke little brother.

 

I had ignored through all of it, thinking this was just a part of it, till the Covid-19 pandemic began, I become so isolated that I even ignored my own family but I had not regretted any ounce of it. I learn the beauty through painful nights, everytime I fucked myself and cried myself to bed, there's always that one star who's shining for me everytime I go out and look at to me at the window, now it became my friend, I envy it for shining so bright it almost eliminated this shitty feeling. I learn what it's like to be this magical!

 

But it's just only for night, at daytime my mother working abroad and my father whos only at daytime to take care of us, make some food and nap, they're always arguing and fighting, I understand what they're fighting about but yeah they should've be more thoughtful and be more calm about it. It was never always like that, was it because my mother provoke my father to cheat on her? Was it because they're not married? Was it because we're having too much financial problems, it was always that bad....

At old times, they might argue everyday but still they still very happy each other, there's a communication without the only sole purpose of being responsible.

 

We moved out, it's been over 12 months here, it's been rough snd stale getting used to this plain environment and this confusing dialect. I had never thought this world would be this boring, I always thought it's gonna be more dangerous and depressing but also exciting but nah it's just pure boredom. Cousins sucks, only one of the fucking dozens of hundreds talk to us respectively and casually, well I guess he's pretty outgoing person but I think he was once a quiet person too. Anyways school is nigh at this point of my life and this recent weeks.

 

Senior Highschool starts, I'm grade 11 now, the opening face to face classes we're overwhelming but not much that I want to arson. It's pretty baby game compared to talking to adults everytime I got ask to go out and bring some food at our weeks storage by my grandma (must be nice working but I'm not yet).

Planning to get into biking again since it didn't bike much since I move out and get a gym membership if my mom give me financial and emotional support about it, also my father been quiet since, only making a noise once or twice a month, honestly I don't even know anymore!!


I choose a Nursing strand at school, since my mother been nagging me to become Nurse so that I could travel the world and save people, yeah my ass you just want money. Anyways I wanna make my mom proud just this once even though I want to be a Artist-Writter, well nursing could work too since I once dream about being a doctor after being save by one. Must be nice if I could become a astronomer or a astronaut....

 

My first expression that everyone been talking about lately is that I'm a mysterious person, really?? wth oh well thats fine... Been ask to hang out with them and I agreed just cause I might practice making conversation... Guess what? I did not talk the whole time, my freaking bazooki, I had no idea what theyre talking about nor what the fuck I should talk about hahahaha....


Week past I guess this was the most recent week. I'm still wondering why the f are they so nice to me, I guess I'm being used as a dumpster of them and being a burner vehicle for them to throw away after they're done with me? Being nice just because, nah? Yeah I had no idea also. I figured I might be able to use them if I would act like they want me to, (they ask me to adapt). I had tried making conversation with full list of what to talk about by the time I was ask a question I just nodded and said yes maam. God DAMM, I forgotten I was a delusional person, damm it just like I was once we're I'm being treated as a god damm dog. If I was a dog I would have bite them already, but damm it I cant bite the ones whos nice to me. I hate my nature.

 

I greatly appreciate someone going through all of this and reading my teens life that I've chosen, been so much of trouble, ignored most of it , but I guess it is what it is.

I feel like this one of the few times somebody really saw through me even by reading a abridged version of my life but dang it feels so much better to not get misunderstood all the time..... Thank you for life lessons Mister, I would gladly take it like that don't answer things I have no control from and I think I'll consider making friends...

Also dont masturbate and no porn haha, stupid urges and rise of fucking dopamine!

 

You dont need to read this mister, I was just merely letting this thought that I have been keeping myself this past years.


Honestly Mister I had never thought I was that unique never in any circumstances. I grew old that my experience was never that big of a deal so that's why I isolated myself knowing I'm not that worth their time nor them to me and that if they were to think the same as mine I should distance myself more considering the hidden malice of us towards each other.

If you did sorry for wasting your time.

 

Don't worry about it sir, I just wanna let this thought vent out somehow that just feeding me up this quite time now, so yeah any help is really appreciated

 

I agreed sir, everyone is also patching their hell up of a problem so I appreciate it that you're helping me when you're also having some dilemma that keeps you up at night.

 

Gosh, I'm sorry Maam.