Socially awkward

Welcome to my world. I realised a few years back that i was not like other people. I like to keep my company to a minimum, 3's a crowd for me. I prefer having deep meaningful conversations with one person or crazy off the wall belly laugh conversations. When there is a big group of people i feel intimidated....unless i'm on drugs or alcohol but i've given those up for the last 3 years. Sometimes though i can break out of my comfort zone when it's something really important that means a lot to me.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being different, many geniuses and intellectuals have social anxiety problems and well i'm not saying i'm a genius lol but i do enjoy reading and learning a lot. I'm into stuff that most normal people would just lose interest in after 5 minutes.

Saying to a girl 'Hey don't you think the data on this bar graph is interesting' not really a good conversation starter! I wish there was a dating website for geeks and nerds.

 

same here and this is definitely social anxiety disorder.

 

Same

Same but i,m not depressed right now Thank God, i feel same i,m 19

 

Truth

 

Because.................................... nobody is going to do it for you.

That's kind of like if I said "I really want a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast, but every morning for the past 5 years I'm sad because there's no grilled cheese sandwich to eat." The answer is to make the sandwich myself.... then eat it.

It's not so much a disorder as it is a lack of effort. Wishing for something to happen isn't being proactive. It's not solving problems. It's not working towards solutions. It's not attempting to gain competence in something that's outside your comfort zone.

Most people start off as socially awkward. They start off insecure and incompetent at it. Just like with any skill that's new to you or you don't have much experience with.... but for whatever reason, people expect perfection from themselves right away. They want to skip the process of failing and making mistakes that leads to experience and competence in order to go straight to confidence and mastery. It doesn't work like that. You have to start off incompetent and insecure. You have to make mistakes and fail. You have to start before you're ready.

So if you're unwilling to try because you're afraid of making mistakes and failing, then you'll never get better at it. You'll always be stuck wishing. Wishing that you've mastered social interactions. Wishing that random people will come save you. Wishing that things were different.

It never happens because you won't allow it to happen. You're trying so hard to protect yourself from possible negative experiences that you're also erasing any possibilities for positive experiences. Wishing and focusing on why you're a victim is a way for you to not make an effort and to escape reality.

"Geek" and "nerd" is a stereotype. Everyone is a geek / nerd / genius / intellectual at something they're interested in. Someone that's really into football, body building, photography, painting, economics, calculus, website design, animation, video games, crossfit, martial arts, etc.... are all "geeks". They all talk about an interest in great detail and enthusiasm.

If a martial artist tried to talk about the wonders of jujitsu to a photographer that's interested in talking about the latest camera lens, it's not going to work out very well.

So what you're interested in talking about isn't really an issue. It's who you're talking to. No, I don't want to hear about your bar graph data, but someone else might.

I'm not saying that people with opposite interests can't have relationships, but they have the social awareness not to bore the other person with something that they're not interested in.

People who are "intellectuals" that have social anxiety problems are usually just stuck in their head too much. They're excessively careful and overly cautious. They're too concerned about doing things perfectly / smoothly. Like data or a formula. "If I do this and that, then surely I'll get this and that." Then they're frustrated that things didn't work out like they expected.

In dancing, if I'm in my head too much, I won't be able to dance properly. If I'm too busy making sure I'm doing everything perfect and calculating the music, then I'll miss the whole experience happening in the moment entirely. I won't be able to feel and react to what's going on in real time. I have to be comfortable with the fact that I might make mistakes or that I might fail. Rather than trying to out think the possibilities of imperfection.

 

I would say that we are identical twins, but I'm 24...

 

I am also like you

 

Hey, I'm in your situation, just 3 years older, so how do you think I feel?
I've never been one for drinking or the bar scene, so I've always felt ostracized from my peer group to some extent. And popular culture would have you believe the only way to meet people is bars.

What I've found when turning my life around is that it's completely not true.

I'd say, stress less about meeting females and just focus on meeting people in general, no matter the age or sex. Meet more people, have a good time, and you'll end up meeting girls in the process.

Here's some advice for meeting people outside of bars:

1. Google search for what you like and see if there's a group for it. I do medieval reenactment. I know there are amateur fencing and acting groups all over because i looked them up. Same with a local gaming store that hosts board game and card game nights.

2. Check your local bowling alley. Mine hold local leagues, including for amateurs. I'm starting one next week. I suck at bowling, but its a fun physical activity and the chance to meet local people.

3. Check out your local volunteer fire hall. Mine holds bingo nights regularly, in addition to other events. I plan to check one out soon. No idea what it will be like, but i figure an adventure will be fun.

4. Volunteer somewhere. Not only will it make you feel better about yourself, but you have the chance to meet others. I've done a couple local organizations.

5. if religion is your thing, check out local church. Lots of them have small groups designed to let you meet others. My church specifically has both social and serious small groups.

6. Lots of bars have trivia nights. Even if you don't drink, its a fun thing to try and do. I always order nachos and tell people I'm a nacho aficionado. Or volunteer as designated driver if i'm with friends.

7. check for local sports teams. several of my coworkers do local softball and kickball teams that run seasonally.

8. Reconnect with old friends. Relationships, including friendships, are made of what you put into them. I'm connecting with a guy I haven't seen since highschool next week. we were never the best of friends, but its a chance to hang out and not sit around at home. He posted something on facebook, i responded, we ended up messaging and he said he was back in the area, so we're going to hang out.

9. check if your local home owners association or block or apartment does anything on the common boards. Mine holds activities monthly. Some are geared for families, and some are geared to men or women.

Hope this helps.

 

me too. exactly how i feel in this moment. But you gott step up out of your comfort zone. Last night, i was at a tennis practice and tons of people there. I was socially awkward and stiff and couldn’t make eye contact. I felt depressed and acne was visible.
But I still tried some, and with nofap, my skin will get better and confidence and social skills will improve with practice.

I know it’s tough but push yourself to do those uncomfortable things that you know you should be doing. Better than wallowing and staying inside feeling sorry for yourself

You got this!!

 

I had a similar experience as @legendsneverdie, as in I attended a Mountaineering event two days ago. I was way out of my comfort zone, I'm not really used to socialising, especially not in big groups. Prior to this, I also relapsed a couple days before so I felt and looked like shit. But I still forced myself to do it- I made sure I stepped out my comfort zone that day and it really does help even though I left early. Actually going back next week hopefully.

What I am trying to say man, is that you have just got to do it. Even if it is only a small thing you do first, you have got to start from somewhere and within-in time, you will see yourself doing stuff you have only ever imagined doing! But as we all already know- patience is key. It won't happen over a day, week or a month even. However, the longer you leave, the longer it will take to reach your ideal self.

Wishing you all the best man. Good luck!

 

good man

 

I recognize myself in that situation and its unfortunately a situation where more and more guys find themselves in. I am definitely socially awkward too, but in a way that changed during the years. I have changed. And thats the hard truth about social problems, solving them usually requires changing yourself. Forget all that "be yourself" bullshit, that comes later, after you changed enough that people wanna be around you. Im not exactly a person with whom people wanna hang out with, im kinda an asshole, but i would be even more awkward asshole if i didnt force myself into social situations before and internalized some helpful attitudes. I guess there is a balance between being yourself and being social. Cause it obviously not the same thing for some of us.

 

I have been walking in your shoes, and this comes from a guy with a lot of experience from social anxiety and among other things as well too. I am 29 years old, never really gone out much these days, always stayed at home with my family and I only socialize with them a lot, and I only have one friend who I keep in touch with over ten years now. Although the good part is I do things to take care of myself as well and I do volunteer work too now. I have been able to break my porn addiction on and off over the years, especially my younger years. But nothing has really been always on the "ON" mode for a very long time. I can relate to you, especially on the part that I had a lot of people either move away or getting married.