Sissy porn/ Chatroom Addiction

Based off of reading some previous posts on this topic I know there are some others here who have similar experiences as mine, so I thought I'd share in hopes of finding support and showing others like me that they aren't alone. For context before I begin I'm a 23 year old guy that lives as a guy all day until the urges come up usually at night.

I'll share my story of how I got to here today. So contrary to most people that have shared on here, I took an interest in crossdressing before ever watching or really even knowing about porn. Probably from the age of about 10 I would occasionally, not often, but occasionally steal my older sister clothes and try them on. This aroused me but I didn't begin M'ing until I was 15 because I was raised in a very religious family and honestly just didn't really even know how. Despite this I enjoyed looking at pictures of crossdressed boys and would always feel shame when I did.

Anyway I'll give a little synopsis of my story as to how I got here. As I said I didn't start M'ing or even P until I was 15, a large part of this is because I got my own laptop and for the first time was able to do this alone. Despite starting late I quickly started to develop an addiction for it. Instead of immediately developing an addiction for sP, I found my pleasure through Omegle, erotica, and occasionally sissy captions. I'd spend multiple hours every night talking to people on Omegle, which was especially creepy then since I was underage and usually was talking to grown men. I'm still thankful though that I never sent pics of myself or identified myself to anyone when I was still young. With the erotica I was also very addicted, and even wrote a few stories of my own, at least one of which had over 10,000 readers before the site it was on was taken down. Anyway, this type of behavior continued until I was about 20, and then I decided to start to take it a step further.

At 20 I got the kik app and started shaving and dressing when I could to show off for men that I'd met online. In this time the addiction sP and the captions also grew. I would spend a great deal of time on kik and have continued doing this up until 4 days ago when I finally started nofap. In the past 2 years I also posted a few personal ads on Reddit and got a ton of responses, one of which I met up with. I gave this guy a BJ at his house while dressed and it wasn't a horrible experience, but it wasn't the fantasy either, I regret doing this a little bit but not to a point of self hatred by any means. I should mention, yesterday was day 3 and I had a really hard time abstaining, I did, but I felt like I was going a bit crazy for the last 5 or 6 hours of the day, this was telling for me and is really what drove me to come here.

This is a very brief synopsis of my story, but I will share more about my fears and worries about myself. So I am lucky because I've lived actually a pretty regular life and have found as much or maybe even more success than a 23 year old usually does, but I still feel as if this is holding me back, and it certainly has taken a front seat to any hobbies I used to have, and I fear one day it could ruin me. But the big thing that worries me that is a little different than a straight up PMO addiction is, is the fact that this sissy stuff is almost like a part of my identity now, of course nobody knows this as far as I know but it is still on my mind a lot. Something I find strange is that when someone compliments my appearance as a male, I appreciate it, but it doesn't make me feel really good. However one of the main reasons I was addicted to kik was that I craved so strongly to be called a hot girl and have guys tell me what they'd do to me or that they thought I was hotter than their girlfriend. These compliments would just make me feel so good. Despite this I'd still feel guilt and shame every time I orgasmed and would immediately change out of the clothes, and go back to being a man until the next night. I should also mention that for 90% of the time I have no questions at all about being a guy, and am not the manliest man in the world, but my outward self has far more masculine qualities than feminine, when my sissy alter ego wants to be the girliest girl it can possibly be.

I think just as much as PMO I have an issue with loneliness at this point, which I assume is something many people here also experience, that's why I love chatrooms and kik so much, because even though my rational brain knows that all the guys saying they want me don't really care about me and probably have problems just like me, it is something that after only 4 days without I am already missing. That's where this identity issue comes in, I know I'm not a girl or a woman, but when I get into that state of mind is sometimes when I feel best about myself, for some reason being seen as an attractive female means more to me than any accomplishments or things that happen in my actual life as a male. That's where I see this getting difficult for me, is that so much of my self worth comes from compliments from anonymous dudes on the internet, and I don't know what to replace that with. I have a decent job, I have a few hobbies, and I'm in online school and while having success in these areas is rationally a good thing, it just doesn't get me excited the way what I previously described does, and I don't know if NoFap will make non-sexual accomplishments mean more or not. There's also the sexual identity issue, I know I'm attracted to girls, and had a relationship with one for around 8 months and none of this ever came up with her. I'd still fall into the sissy habits on many nights we didn't see each other though. So I know I like women, but I am still unable to figure out if the "gay side" of me is 100% due to porn, or if it may be legitimate, one thing that makes me think it is is that when I was 18 I had a slight crush on one of my male friends. There's also the aforementioned BJ while dressed which wasn't horrible but was a bit uncomfortable for me. Another strange insight to my mind is that butt stuff scares me, BJ's don't bother me as much, but kissing a dude isn't something I like.

I know that this has been a bit of a rambling post, organizing my thoughts without writing a novel is difficult on this subject, but I'm just hoping that maybe posting here will help me hold myself accountable and start to turn the tables on this addiction. Luckily this hasn't ruined my life yet, but it certainly hasn't made it better and I'm hoping this pace can help me reach my full potential. If you have had similar experiences or think you may be able to do some amateur psychology on me feel free to comment on this or message me. Day 4 is just about over here, and I'm hoping for many many more but I know this won't be easy. Looking over my post, holy run-on sentences, don't use this as an example in your writing class.