Sin of Pygmalion

Hi there I suppose it's of the custom here to introduce oneself so a little sth about me:

My addiction to porn started when I got bored with fantasising about other girls and checking out not-so-porn sites with sexuall content. As an artist I am truly fascinated with human body both male and female. For many years it was sufficient to me to just look at an image of beautiful female body. Sometimes all I needed was a great looking nose, lips, eyes or hands not even a full body (like more common features like legs or breasts). I don't quite remember what got me into porn. I guess it was my fascination with psychology and how far the perversion can go, how many new fetishes I can develop. The wierder it was the better. I was amazed at what people can do to get off. I am perfectionist so I would go to porn site (also hentai) and search through tags of interest for the wierdest things ever. I just wanted to fap to the things that excited me the most. I remember I have once gone trough almost 6000 porn manga issues with footjob tag over one night to find the one which had the best plot and was well drawn. I draw myself and I studied anatomy so If there was but a one mistake in a drawing I would drop this manga immediately and search for others.

But hentai manga was something special I would not do very often (the fact that it is drawn allows for more... refined ideas) and I mainly used porn. The important moment for me was when I started watching transsexual porn. I did it for about a week or so and then got... bored (and maybe scared about my sexuallity with no offense meant to transsexual people). Then I decided to take a break from porn and stick to non porn but still sexual images or simply fantasising. But you all know too well that nothing tastes better than returning to pornography. The blood is rushing with adrenaline and your eyes widen as you feast them to all the good stuff you left behind. So, I started using porn yet again.

Now the thing is I am an introverted person with some traumas I will not bore you with. I really want to get to meet new people and to be able to initiate casual chit-chat or just feel important (needed*) in my group. Also I want to get more comfortable around girls as I have never been in a relationship nor have I ever had sex (I'm 20yrs old btw). The problem with being more sociable is that I have a very low self esteem and porn would bring it down even more . I just couldn't act bravely, talk to people, be active in a group because I would always think of what a loser I am and I would always recall the fact I am a nasty porn addict whenever I felt like talking to people or engaging in any social encounters.

My primery goal at the moment is to get more sociable and extraverted (I really like being around people I am just too shy and intimidated) so I decided to boost my self esteem by quiting porn and focusing more on my artsitic work - Porn as you all know consumes lot's of time. My secondery goal which is akin to getting more sociable is to get more comfortable with girls.

Now my attitude towards porn is that I don't feel like it's enough for me. It just bores the hell out of me. I crave for real physical, healthy, loving realtionship with a woman. Of course what I think is one thing, what my body is used to and what it wants is another.

The highest number of consecutive days with no fapping for me is 7. I always fapped. Sometimes even 6-7 times a day. Now I am at my 6th day of no fapping and it's getting real hard. Not that I would like to use porn I just want to touch myself so badly. But paradoxically what keeps me motivated is the number of days I did not masturbate. I had some periods of one - two days without masturbation but It's very rare for me to keep it up so long as 6 days.

I am sorry for making my introduction so long but I am very happy to be able to join this communtity and fight my addiction.

Good luck to everybody!