sick of hub making me feel crazy

It seems like he has a way of turning things on me, everything is my fault. I feel he should be going the extra mile, after all he devistated me, but he somehow always turns it all on me! I want a man who would bend over backwards for me....i have a chronic disease that I've pushed thru for him and my kids and its pretty bad when your 11 yr old asks why I don't divorce him! My spirit is broken I don't know what to do, he should not have the attitude that now after ten years of deceit it should be all good. I'm crushed

 

Thank you for your reply.... I know what you are saying...I guess its just all so fresh in my mind, and if you read my original post I think I may have put more detail in there about my past...sometimes I feel like Job in the Bible, where God has lifted his hand of protection from me. I know its up to me as to how I react to a situation, and I usually take the high road, and also usually allow myself to be walked all over, used.. anyone needs something, I seem to be the one they come running too, and I'm sorry but I have so many problems in my own life I can't solve everyone elses, although I do try to help.... I have late stage chronic lyme disease, and at my sickest, my kids were quite little, and I'd pack them up in the car and we'd deliver meals on wheels... my daughter asked mom why are we doing this when nobody does anything for us, nobody brings us a meal after you have surgeries... I said honey, yes it would be nice if family or friends would help us, but we are the bigger people and we need to realize that there are people out there who are in need, and if we are able to do it, we will. I'm glad I did that with them, bc I have to very empathetic children, who care about others feelings, but at the same time I don't want them to fall into the trap I did of being used either.. I tell them, do something because it's in your heart to do so, not for any other reason, otherwise you will resent, and people will keep coming to you bc they know hey, she or he will do it, they always do.

 

Need- thank you for your kind words, I too hope my generousity is returned, although when I do things I don't do them with the thought in my head "well I did this for you, so you need to reciprocate" I do it because its just in my character... and no neither one of us is in counceling, I dont even know if he's on any of the sites...at first when this all came out he'd read stuff that I'd email him which helped him to realize that it is indeed a problem. He says he's stopped, and for the most part I believe it, but so much trust has been broken, and I do wonder at times. I told him he should join this site because the people here are so kind , non judgmental, etc... but I don't think he has.

Mark, you are right, the giving can get out of balance, and even though I do things for others without expecting in return, it sure would have been nice if someone from my family, or friends, or neighbors would have done a simple thing like bring a meal over.. you know who helped us the most...someone I NEVER met in person, after my last surgery (she is out of state) she called local churches explained our situation, and had it set up and these people from this church whom we'd never met, brought us a dinner EVERY night for a week! I felt very blessed, but at the same time a little bitter, like here a lyme friend I never met in person and these strangers from this church were the ones to step up, not the people that I have bent over backwards for. Funny thing is, my cousin just had a minor surgery, like a cyst removed from her overies, everyone in the family was making a huge deal out of it , taking her food, making a basket of little gifts she could open every day for a month, cards , etc... and I'm like, ok I had my neck cut open 5 inches twice to remove my thyroid, had breast lumps removed 4 times, gallbladder removed...yet I checked myself out of the hospital the same day, came home with drainage tubes bc I had to take care of my kids...she has no kids, a helpful husband, she could lay in bed and recoup...but whatever, it is what it is.
And yes it is in part my fault bc I am the responsible one, I have a hard time saying no , maybe bc I don't want to look like the jerk.. I have changed that a bit and learning the word no... someone needs something...sorry I just can't right now, wish I could, but I have more than a full plate, and I have a very sick daughter, she has an autoimmune disorder called PANS/PANDAS its basically a pediatric autoimmune disorder, triggered by an infection, in her case mycoplasma we think....basically your kid is normal one day, and the next its MASSIVE OCD, going thru two bottles of handsoap a day, her hands are raw and bleeding, the skin is so thin, major germaphobia, even agoraphobia...she's much better than she was back in oct and nov, bc I'm in the lyme world I know about these disorders and diseases not widely accepted by mainstream docs...our doc said take her to a shrink put her on prozac...she's 11! I said NO WAY, we even took in reputable info on this disorder, he just dismissed us, I was really waiting for childrens services to show up at my door since I refused the psych..but we found a specialist about 2 hours away from us, who really knows what he's doing, long story short, she made improvement, but still not enough , still effects her daily life as well as ours, our counter is full of supplements, and he decided to put her on another severl weeks of antibiotics hoping that will bring her up another level.

I will check out those books you recomended, thank you, I am open to anything right now. I want to save my marriage, but at the same time I need him to make an effort...just bc he stopped the porn, and now i realize just how much he was using..bc without all the pills, viagra and supplements from adult shops his erections are what they should be...in fact, I don't think they've ever been like this! But he seems to think that bc everything is all in the open everything should just go along as normal...well sorry, the past ten years of our 14 yr marriage I am reassesing, I always thought I was the crazy one bc I was sick, so I'd just accept the blame, and now I realize it wasn't all me...there's been a LOT of hurt done, especially since he KNEW all the abuse I suffered since day one of my life. When we were dating and I opened up to him about it all, he said he knew right then and there he wanted to be the one to make the rest of my life better...yet he's the one whose hurt me the most. and I know its not up to him to make me happy , but to a point it is... ie not jerking it all the time so you can properly make love to your wife, not playing mind games with me, almost like he has this control issue. I've had several friends tell me he's emotionally abusive, he tears me down mentally... I never realized it, but since several people have pointed it out, it does make sense.. we have a lot of work to do.
as if life isn't hard enough, to add in all this, I'm just overwhelmed. I have never been so depressed or cried so much in my life, which I usually don't let him see... I have never longed for death as much as I do now, but no worries I am NOT suicidal, my dad killed himself when I was 9, and I could NEVER do that to my kids, for so many reasons..they are what keep me going.
Thank you all again for your insight. I do appreciate it