Sick and tired of feeling out of control

You are very welcome Shamrocker! You will find people on here very helpful and supportive. You will also find that the very act of writing down your thoughts here will be very therapeutic and strengthen your resolve. I know what you mean about turning 30 - I felt the same and now am about to turn 60! You are still young and I am so pleased for you starting now to take control of this. It is never to late I think - but the sooner the better. Be open about your problem before you start setting out your plan. You will find on here people far more experience than I am - who can guide you. Read their journals. In my view it is important to come to a firm resolution NEVER TO MASTURBATE AGAIN. I find that incredibly difficult to say and mean it and I find it an almost scary thought. If you think it through however (particularly if you acknowledge that you are an addict) then masturbation leads to a masturbation - porn vicious cycle, takes you away from meaningful relationships and drains your energy.
You have to be aware thought that it is a struggle and you need to be always on your guard (and not too hard on yourself).
I do so understand you when you say "I'm scared to be honest" - thats me too. Am I just playing at this? I want to open up to the good people here and tell them just how bad /disgusing my habit was/is, The things I used to do and am in danger of doing again. Just one little bit of advice I have found so simple but useful is keep saying to yourself " I may very well masturbate one of these days ---- but today is not that day"
Good luck!

 

Great to see you Shamrocker! Turning 30 was a big mental milestone for me too. There are loads of us with the same problems you've had - you're not alone. You'll find plenty of support on here and you can even pair up with someone to encourage you and keep you accountable. All the best and congrats on day 1!

 

Cool, I'll remember that. Just concentrate on today.