Sexually uptight women

I want to discuss the issue of uptight women. I see this problem a lot in these journals and I don't find this topic discussed openly, so here we go.

It's important for a recovering porn addicted man to choose wisely the woman he will be with. Because what then, if you choose someone who can't satisfy you?

Normal behavior is for a woman to be receptive to her man's desire for her, to accept his sexual advances most of the time, and to initiate sex sometimes. If she is not doing that, then she's uptight and abnormal because male and female are created to desire each other.

Our understanding of what's normal is shaped by how big our world is. Our world might be so small that we have a different view of normal. Even if the vast majority of women in an area are uptight, that just means all those women are abnormal, it doesn't change what's normal everywhere else, and as soon as you step outside that area or live long enough to see the winds change, you find out the truth.

Why are so many women uptight? Let me imagine for a bit. It seems women in free-love societies like America are more likely to be uptight. Maybe that's because the social and moral guardrails have been removed from sex, so they feel vulnerable all the time. So being uptight becomes like a defense mechanism. There's no other reason why a woman would dress provocatively and flirt with men all the time, then when she finds a man, she turns into a monk and only wants to have sex once a month or even less. Her behavior makes no sense and has to be based on some psychological problem.

It's also a problem if she was raised to believe sex is inherently dirty. This isn't necessarily a religious thing but for some religious cultures, it is. If she was raised that way, then of course she will just ignore her sexual impulse most of the time, even when it's safe to cultivate it. Sex for these women is like going to the bathroom, something to do if you have to, but not something to talk about or take pleasure in. I feel bad for women like this because in their mind, they're balanced and healthy, so when their husbands start acting out due to being starved of sex, it must be very confusing to them.

Let me step back and say what I mean by "husbands acting out due to lack of sex." I am not suggesting that men can't practice restraint. This whole website is about cultivating restraint. But I believe there are limits to restraint because the sexual impulse it, at its core, something good which should be cultivated.

In my research on sexual energy I've come to realize that the sex drive for men is a lot like having a baby for women. A lady cannot get pregnant her own. The man has to get her pregnant. Once she has it from him, she mixes their energies in her womb for 9 months, and then delivers the product to the world as a baby.

A man's sexual desire is kind of like that on a small scale. A man by himself has no reason to think about sex. And men naturally don't think about sex. We think about the fights we're start and empires we're gonna build mostly. The woman has to initiate the sex process with him first by showing something, flirting, etc. She gives him the idea of sex in an indirect way and starts his body converting the ch'i (life promoting) energy into Ching (reproductive) energy which begs to be released. Then, he spends time with her mixing their energies with foreplay, intercourse, etc. until the energy pushes out so much that he is ready to "deliver" their "baby" to the world (I know this sounds weird but stay with me). The upside-down world we live in is full of women constantly giving men the idea of sex through skimpy clothes, ads, shows, interactions, music, etc. So it's kind of like if men were constantly getting women pregnant: all the women everywhere are just going to be pregnant and delivering babies all the time. That is like men these days; we're always being triggered by women to produce Ching so that Ching is always trying to be released (let's avoid the discussion of semen retention for now).

Not every man is the same, though. There are plenty of men out there who just got into other thrills like sports, money, power, etc. before they discovered sex. Men like that can marry an uptight woman and be just fine. As for us-- yes I've read YBOP and I believe fully that a porn addict's brain can be rewired not to desire or respond to porn, but I DON'T believe that our brains can be rewired to be uninterested in sex IF we became addicts from young. Because the teenager's brain shapes into who he's going to be for life during that time. If you got your thrills looking at porn and masturbating, you're not doomed to be a porn addict, but you ARE going to be really into sex and women for your whole life.

So that's why you have to choose the right woman, and she can't be uptight. You have to rule that out completely.

Again this discussion is hard to have in mixed company, because it comes off as just shaming women for not being horny enough, which in their mind is something they can't even control. But I have to say it because I believe being with a normal, non-uptight woman is a required step to recover from porn addiction. This society and your own mind will keep bothering you about sex, so you'll keep wanting to make love to your woman a whole lot. If that was a bad thing, there would be a way to fix it. But it's not actually a bad thing because not every woman is uptight, and there are normal women who will appreciate that and love that. It's only a bad thing if you're with an uptight woman.

 

I was expecting most men to react to my suggestion defensively because they expect all women to be uptight. I can see that playing out already.

If that’s you, challenge your assumptions. Why do you assume that’s normal behavior for women?

Anyone who ponders the creation of male and female will come to the conclusion that the man’s sexual capacity is more limited than the woman’s. But culturally we expect the men to have a higher sex drive than the women. Why?

I would point to the extreme sexual climate we live in, which is the reason we’re all here on this site.

Don’t play the victim. Prepare and adapt.

Many, many women are in loveless marriages and still do not become uptight.

Absence of romantic love is the norm in human life. If you were correct then uptightness would be the norm. But it’s the opposite.

The one you choose to love should be worthy of your love. You don’t choose someone based on their sexual appetite, but you can use that to rule someone out.

Look for signs that she’s uptight: inability to discuss sexuality in a mature way is one. If she’s unwilling to talk about it when appropriate, she’s probably unwilling to do it when appropriate. (Knowing the difference between mature/appropriate discussion and immature/inappropriate discussion is essential for men and women).

 

Maybe once, on Saturday night, just to prove to herself she’s desirable. Doesn’t mean she’s not uptight the rest of the week.

 

The two are not mutually exclusive.

 

I want people who are resisting what I have to say to ponder the below statement:

Normal behavior is for a woman to be receptive to her man's desire for her, to accept his sexual advances most of the time, and to initiate sex sometimes.
​

If you find yourself doubting this, reverse the roles and see how you feel.

Normal behavior is for a man to be receptive to his woman's desire for him, to accept her sexual advances most of the time, and to initiate sex sometimes.​

NO ONE, not on this site nor away from it, would EVER have a problem with this statement when we're talking about men. But somehow, it becomes unbelievable to some people when applied to women.

Again I'm not talking about weird cases where your spouse gained 200 pounds or became paraplegic or something. I'm talking about normal behavior.

What exactly is the difference between men and women in this regard?

 

Thanks for your thoughtful response @Psalm27:1my light -- I was hoping a woman would chime in here.

You said nothing but facts, and it only proves my point that uptightness is not normal and caused by some cultural or emotional damage.

Maybe the situation gets to such a point where a man in recovery from PMO addiction can't possibly hope to find a woman who's not uptight. I don't think that's ever been the case. No matter what kind of life a man is into in the world, he can find women who would support him and help him do it. Even serial killers in jail for life have groupies sending them fan letters.

You made a good point about uptight men. Everything I said about uptight women for men in recovery applies to uptight men for women in recovery. But I mentioned only uptight women because the vast majority of porn addicts on this site are men.

 

But there are lots of women who have been hurt or damaged but are not uptight as a result, and who would make good wives for recovering addicts. It's not as simple as just having one cause and it's not the cause that's the problematic for us but the behavior itself.

I'm sure some women are just comfortable with being uptight and don't feel that they need to change. That's possible

 

You’re making my point for me better than I could have made it