Self defeating and feeling less and inferior

Once again i relapsed, after almost a year and a half of battling this addiction.
I dont know how i manage to mantain my relationship with my GF but i feel so guilty when i relapse, (she thinks i dont watch P at all) the other day so got mad because i accidentaly told her i watch some girl ass, imagin if i told her i have and addiction with P.
Anyway im trying to cure me of PMO and dont have to hide anymore. But moments like this, after i relapsed, all i can think is feeling of self defeating, it's as if i like feeling miserable and weak and inferior, (i cant tell because of the themes of P i watch) its always hardcore stuff and guys hating women, how messed up i am to get off to something like that. Society would consider me a monster. Man it's so messed up to have to live hidding thing from my people and my gf. I dont like to think i hate women because i loved them but this P got me so messed up in the head i cant accomplish anything in life.
To be noted, i made quite a progress since the day stared in NoFap, but its frustrating not to be able to overcome this after more than a year.