Seeking love

I've been single a majority of my life with the exception of a few short relationships. Since I began watching porn and masturbating, I didn't feel the need to have a real genuine connection with women. This is partly bc i have dealt with body issues my entire life (obesity), and that has drastically altered my confidence. Saddest part is that women actually find me attractive and like being around me because of my character and personality. It hurts so deeply that they don't know how much i long to take it another level but am so afraid because of the monster of addiction that i hide. there's one female in particular that I really like and would love to have a relationship with her. I often hold back for fear that it is all just a fantasy and no one as beautiful as her could ever want to be involved with me. We have been intimate though not through sexual intercourse, which is a relief because i'm pretty sure my sex organs are exhausted from excessive pmo over the years. I really want to change so that i can be myself with her and not spend the rest of my life wondering what if cuz i was too afraid to man up and face my demons. PMO has deadened my senses and cost me years of happiness and joy. I'm tired of selling myself short. I know that i am capable of love and that i am capable of being loved. This is the first step towards finding myself and learning to love myself.