Second chance at life

I’m a 39 year old PA, married for coming up to 15 years with 4 beautiful kids. I start my journal having completed more than 90 days of hard mode no PMO, a slightly different place than most, and the forum has been invaluable both in keeping me sober and pointing me in the right direction to begin my nascent recovery.

Porn has been part of my life for 3 decades. I can still recall the first movie I watched, round at a friend’s house, aged 9. I recall the magazines we’d buy and trade on school trips to France, the VHS videos we’d copy and distribute like penny chews. The days spent round at friends houses working our way through their parents’ stash. Ah, the “innocence” of youth. I can remember getting internet plumbed in at home in the late nineties and walking in on my dad browsing some “schoolgirl” site or other almost straightaway....”well, you’ve got to have a look haven’t you son”. Sure dad. It was everywhere and still is amongst my friendship group (still the same guys, 30 years later and all grown up (supposedly)). Of course I was one of the biggest fans.

I brought this attitude into my marriage, as well as my intimacy anorexia (I think). Of course high speed internet made the process easier and faster, but it wasn’t the root cause of my addiction - it Just allowed me to mainline the good stuff in industrial quantities.

I believed the lie that my PMO wasn’t damaging my relationship. I HAD started to believe it was becoming a problem, but mainly because of its impact on my sleep and work. I had resolved to stop, but never quite managed it. Even secretly buying pills over the internet to guard against ED with my wife so the extent of my addiction might remain secret wasn’t enough to tell me I had a problem. Only the discovery this year of my wife’s emotional affair with another guy (I believe that nothing physical happened) and the associated realisation that I might actually lose her, followed shortly thereafter by my wife’s discovery of my stash of pills shocked me into action - the universe had clearly had enough of waiting for me to do it of my own volition.

So I sit here at 90+ days in, hard mode since my wife has no interest in any sexual contact with me at all right now, and who can blame her. Ironically I think it might actually have made my own reboot easier to deal with.

Sobriety has not been as challenging for me as it seems to have been for others, although it has not been without its moments, and o have to give much credit to Nofap and the materials that I’ve accessed via here in keeping me on the straight and narrow. I’ve gorged on certain journals that I have related to and want to extend particular thanks to @John McClean @phuck-porn! @Wade W. Wilson @TryingHard2Change for their efforts. I’m also grateful for the SOs on here sharing their heartbreaking stories. Understanding their viewpoint better has helped enormously - I’m sorry I ever thought PMO wasn’t cheating, indeed I even used to feel morally superior that “at least I’m not having an affair”.

How stupid I was. How selfish and immature. Still, whilst I regret what I have been and done, I am happy to be here and will not dwell on the past, other than to remind myself what I don’t want to be.

I’m aware that sobriety is just the sticking plaster that stops the bleeding, it doesn’t address the underlying wound, and at this point I’ve just started picking at the scab. My head is, frankly, all over the place and I’m starting this journal in the hope of at least organising some of those thoughts and gaining some external viewpoints to help me focus.

I’ve had a couple of Skype sessions with a CSAT counsellor, am about to enrol on an 8 week course run by his clinic (Paula Hall centre for anyone else in UK), have been to a couple of SAA meetings (physical and telemeeting), have read YBOP and am reading Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carne. I’ve disclosed to a friend in general detail - a friend that is struggling in life as has just owned up to being an alcoholic. And of course I’ve been reading voraciously on Nofap - A great community born in less than perfect circumstances.

Wifey and I have our first couple counselling session tomorrow. At this stage I don’t know if we will survive and grow out of this situation we find ourselves in, but I hope we do and believe we owe it to or kids and ourselves to give it a shot. I feel strangely at peace about this - as much as I don’t want us to split I have a sense of calm about yes fact that whatever happens, my recovery won’t be affected. Famous last words perhaps but I look forward to chronicling the journey here with you.

 

One question that has occurred to me when I start out on this process is how to reflect on my self, and my past? I’ve been lying to myself for so long that I simply can’t trust the conclusions that I reach, So introspection is very difficult. Things and events I can remember just seem too easy, too convenient an explanation for how I might be how I am. Maybe I’m just struggling to accept that my upbringing and external relationships/ environment could have had an impact on me, and that I wasn’t born inherently bad/badly wired. Seems to me that this is only going to be possible with a therapist as an impartial observer.

Grateful for any thoughts on that.

 

I have a scientific mind, and understanding the science of addiction has helped me greatly in staying sober. When the urges come it is helpful to pause, understand that these are merely a bunch of chemicals moving in a certain way around this organism, observe and embrace them with a detached interest then move on to something else. I have no interest in any sexual interaction or gratification other than with my wife - if/when that should ever happen again is entirely up to her at this point, and this simplicity also helps. Puts a new spin on being powerless

In my reading around addiction I have learned that multiple addictions are common. In my first session with my counsellor I distinctly remember saying that I did not have an addictive personality - my basis for this being the fact that I could go weeks/months without a drink and think nothing of it, or smoke 20 cigarettes in an evening then nothing for 12 months. I conveniently forgot the lifelong compulsive eating and poor relationship with food generally. One of the exciting things about recovery for me has been discovering this link and maybe, just maybe, getting the chance to uncover the root of it all.

First couples counselling coming up, then an introductory call to find out if I am suitable for an online course to kick PMO addiction (8 week course, online weekly 90 minute meeting of 6 men max, guided by a counsellor, plus homework). Busy day ahead but I’m excited. As Warren Buffet once said, when you don’t have a choice, you might as well prefer what you have to do.

 

First couples counselling today, just an introduction really with an experienced couples counsellor, a gentle older lady. No idea of her qualifications but she is halfway through a two year psycho-sexual qualification so I think that will be useful. She seemed to know a bit about addiction and was keen that I seek individual help.

It was heartbreaking to see my wife’s pain. She cried a lot in the session recounting our story and I’m glad she did. On a positive note I was able to agree with everything that she said, and expand on certain things. She also readily owned up to her own emotional affair, and confessed that she thought that she had fallen in love with him, something I thought might have to be teased out later. I was honest about my own situation, which was strangely liberating. Another positive was that my wife confirmed that she still loved me, thought I was great in so many (practical, economic) ways but that she needed more emotional connection. I said I wasn’t going anywhere, that I wanted the relationship to work and would respect whatever decision my wife took. She was clear that she is undecided, and can’t picture us having sex again at this point.

Afterwards she called me and we spoke for another 30 minutes, she asked how i thought it had gone. I said I thought it was a useful start and liked the counsellor. She said she didn’t see the good it was doing as all it had done was remind her of all the things she had been trying hard to forget - a clue as to her general approach to difficult issues (including my PA - she has known forever but never confronted me, not that that matters).

She also confessed that she might still be in love with this other guy, the first time she has admitted to this

Lots of advice on this site to keep ones chin up, keep on keeping on and not wallow around in mistakes of the past. Easy to say and read, less easy to do when you’ve basically destroyed another person’s life, someone you care for deeply, and are sitting amongst the ruins. Also difficult to be open and transparent and the best husband I can be when I feel like I’m in a competition for my own wife.

But there we are. A mess of my own making and one I own 100%.

 

A day trip today, to London on business. Just one day and overnight, SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION but or in which, in the past, I would have used for some PMO At the end of the day. An early start means I am a bit tired and it’s a beautiful autumn day in the city, meaning lots of women in revealing clothing. Before I was “diagnosed” I wouldn’t have said I had a problem with ogling, but post-truth I am finding lots of ways to disappoint myself. Averting my eyes is not a problem, but one I have to consciously do whilst simultaneously diverting my brain. I struggle still with the notion that I should not notice people that have dressed/presented themselves to be noticed, but struggle I must.

Still it’s impossible to suppress the urges, particularly whilst carrying the stress of yesterday’s therapy session and the tirednesss of the early start. But I am comfortable now recognising these feelings as a familiar friend, sitting with them, dissecting them and ultimately watching them dissipate through neglect. I. Don’t. Do. That. Anymore

My wife loves another man. My wife loves another man. So what am I doing here? I am doing what I want to do, what is best for me. What will be will be, I cannot control my wife and her choices, but I must admit her choices so far ( entirely justified, objectively) make it hard to be the best version of myself I can be. But I must be, for my kids and for myself. If she decides not to be a part of that, she is entirely within her rights.

She mentioned that she feel like the lady in Love Actually that says her husband has made a mockery of her whole life and how she chooses to live it. She is right, I have. So how I can feel any indignation that she acts the same way is beyond belief, yet I do. It is a goal of my Healing to move beyond that point. As the fog clears I catch glimpses of those sunlit uplands, but they are fleeting glimpses in the general murk of the addiction.

Onwards and upwards. I will never give up the fight for I know in my heart I love her.

 

My libido has been high over the past couple of days, yesterday as a result of a hangover and tiredness and today it continues. No urges to look at P or M but my mental defences have been at DEFCON 5 dealing with idle fantasies. Seeing my wife in yoga pants all the time is not helping I don’t want to talk about how I am feeling as she has said that this just adds pressure, and I am trying hard to give her space.

There has been much progress on the counselling front. I have signed up for the 8 week online group therapy sessions starting in October, we have had our first couples session (now to be weekly) and my wife has found a local counsellor and had her first session with him. I’m glad she liked him and wants to see him regularly - he suggests a 6 month program rather than ad hoc sessions and I’m really hopeful he can help her. He told her that he’s helped a lot of people like me (senior exec level I suppose) and that PA and IA is VERY common, particularly amongst lawyers - proof that we really are the dregs of society I suppose

I was touched that she suggested that I also see him, so we are going to speak in a few days and decide if he can support both of us individually, or whether that would compromise his support to either one of us. Fingers crossed, as he has an excellent reputation.

Im really hopeful he can help my wife, and I’m so pleased she’s taken positive steps to seek support. She lost her dad when she was 20 after he had been away/Ill for much of her life. This brought the family together but her mum never really recovered from the blow and she and my wife were very close, speaking multiple times a day. She was my wife’s main emotional support and helped paper over the fact that I wasn’t providing much in that respect. When she passed away nearly 3 years ago it hit my wife really hard and I don’t think she’s ever really processed her grief. She was seeing another counsellor for a while but after a year or so she undid all the goodwill by making an almost throwaway comment that my wife’s relationship with her mum had been almost “unhealthy”. Hopefully this time will be better but my wife has a slight cynicism towards therapy now.

I remember that my PA really took off around the time of my mother in law’s short illness and death (4 years ago). It’s crazy to think back and remember I believed I was doing my wife a favour by taking care of my own needs, not pestering her for sex at a time when she had other thing to worry about. The lies an addict tells themself...

Our next couples counselling session is going to be slightly longer to go through our respective sexual history and I am looking forward to this in a funny way. We have never found it easy to talk about sex, either our own or our respective pasts. I know my wife had an episode in her past where she was almost raped at a party, and the experience has stayed with her but we have not talked about it for a long time. One of the side effects of my PA was that regularly throughout our marriage I would, in my sleep and unconsciously, occasionally roll over and grope her suggestively and use sexually aggressive language until she shoved me off and I rolled over again (strange as dom male/submissive female was the opposite of the porn I liked). this was massively upsetting to her but she would always just say “you jumped on me again in the night”, I would apologise and we would move on, or so I thought. I’m relieved that this seems to have stopped since quitting PMO but I’m scared that it could happen again and she would assume, reasonably, that I’m PMOing again.

Well, I can’t worry about what I can’t control. There have been some small signs of thawing recently and my wife has been talking about future plans so I’m going to hang onto that positivity going into the weekend! I hope you all have a good one

 

On Friday when out with friends I had made a joke at my wife’s expense, which could have been construed as questioning how my wife was choosing to live her life. I immediately felt bad and apologised and repeated them the following morning. A conversation then followed which focussed on our respective contributions to family life at a practical level - all of our kids are now at school/pre-school and my wife has much more free time. She has for the first time been spending a lot of time on herself, much to my delight. Yoga, surfing, walks with friends etc. I suggested that this was great and she deserved to do that after spending 10 years looking after the family almost exclusively, and after the way I had treated her through it or marriage, and should her needs/wants evolve (to go back to work, volunteer or just live a life of leisure I would support her no matter what). I said I might grumble if there was no food in the house and the kids were eating pop tarts for dinner because she had been surfing all day, and then churlishly said “or if you’ve been out on dog walks with men you are in love with” (childish I know). She then sad “well I do occasionally meet him for a walk, but no more so than any other friends”. I then had to take all the kids to their swimming lessons so the conversation was over, and I spent the rest of the day sulking (childish I know ).

Later my wife asked if there was something I wanted to talk about - credit to her for that, I should have calmly voiced how I was feeling instead of moping around and having t coaxed out of me but old habits die hard. We discussed her relationship with this guy and how it has evolved this year. I asked if I was crazy, and said if shoe was on the other foot would we be happy with me spending time with a woman with whom I’d thought I was in love with, had a deep emotional connection with, had claimed to be in a loveless relationship and had said they would leave heir spouse for me? she claimed she hadn’t said that she might still be in love with him (I distinctly remember the opposite) and that yes, she would have an issue with it. Then she said that it didn’t seem fair that I had been PMOing for our whole marriage and now she had to give up a friendship. I said that it certainly wasn’t fair, and that she was within her rights to leave me and move on with her life, but That my behaviour did not mean that I would be happy (and our marriage could recover) no matter how she acted going forward. No resolution was reached (dinner was ready and kids piled in).

At swimming I chated to one of my wife/my friends who’s just discovered her husband had had an affair. She said that she still struggles but that things between them are better than they’ve been for years. I sincerely hope we can get to the a similar place.

 

Sunday was a better day, we seemed more at ease around each other and it was nice to have a lazier day at home. I think this was partly de to the fact that I had been for a long swim at the crack of dawn so that I could be back in time for her to go to her yoga class, so we had both done some quality exercise to start the day. We also have a tendency to think that we constantly need to entertain our kids by taking them to things/places and yesterday we just ignored them a little and let them lead their own play - after pestering us for a while they got the message and before long were engaged in some elaborate role play game

I apologised to my wife for confronting her the day before about her relationship with this other guy. I said that after how I have behaved and the way I have treated her, I had no right to do that and that she should do whatever she wants and feels is appropriate. I proffered that her affair tapped into some deep insecurities about not being good enough for her, and probably fear of abandonment (apparently a common theme amongst SAs but at this stage I haven’t done enough work on that). I need to focus on getting well and being the best husband and father i can be, and let the rest take care of itself (wherever the chips may fall)

Unfortunately even a slight increase in closeness between us leads to strong feelings of arousal on my side. I have been having strong fantasies about my wife of a nature I’m not used to - thoughts of a lazy Sunday morning in bed with our legs intertwined, fantasies of snogging like teenagers, holding hands whilst shopping (something that used to annoy me slightly ) or spooning in bed. I’m just going to stop there . It adds to the frustration and I just want to reach out and touch her, hug her, squeeze her but I need to respect her space. I have asked her how she would want me to “behave” in that sense and she just says she doesn’t know, so I’m treading carefully.

No urges to look at P though, or to M really - but 100 odd days of hard mode sure is letting itself be known

 

I’ve just realised that in 7 days I will be 4 months post-vasectomy and I’m supposed to drop off a “sample” to get tested. After a flicker of “oh good, a legitimate excuse” I’m a little anxious about this. Given that my wife and I are not having sex there doesn’t seem any point in doing it now, and it seems an unnecessary risk to my sobriety to engage in M, even after 100+ days. To top it off I don’t want to give any kind of suggestion that I have any expectations of a return of our sex life - we are just not at that stage yet.

So that settles it then. One of the more rational conversations I’ve had with myself in the recent past

We had our second couples counselling session today. My wife had only a 20 minute break after a solo counselling session so was very tired and emotional coming in. The first 25 minutes or so were also focussed on her and her feelings, which she struggled with understandably. Otherwise there was not much to report - the hour flies by and I am always struck by how eloquent and concise my thoughts are during week leading in, and how vague and ambiguous things are when coming out of my mouth. Frustrating.

I’ve been thinking quite a lot recently about what it was I liked about porn. Not why I watched it so much (to escape, self soothe I think) but thinking about the type of stuff I used to watch, and why I thought I did that. I knew this would be quite triggering but i was ready for that and there was no real danger of a relapse, because I simply don’t do that anymore.

TRIGGER WARNING

My “favourite” stuff was always with a very enthusiastic female lead, maybe more than one. Ideally with a British accent (like me). And she would always initiate it due to her desire for the man/men and sex more generally. This seems too simplistic but think this speaks to a want (even need) to be liked, wanted, fancied. I am vain and have an unhealthy desire for people to like me for how I look, to fancy me. I’ve always been attracted to people who liked me in that way, and always got a thrill when I would hear that someone found me attractive. TBH I thought this was “normal”, that everyone gets flattered when found attractive by someone else - but I worried about this to an excessive degree I think. Similarly I would judge others harshly on their physical appearance. Since giving up PMO (and even before) I’ve gotten better in this respect, certainly on the judging of others, but I don’t know if that’s because I’ve stopped PMO, or because my view of myself and my place in the universe is fundamentally shifting.

I was very overweight through some fairly formative years (aged 10-20) as a result of compulsive eating. This led to a complete lack of attention from the opposite sex but also an amount of teasing from my dad - he used to call me and my sister “fat Eric” and “fat Erica” and even had a little ditty about us (that I can’t care to recall). I can see now that he had similar issues over his weight/self image and was projecting his own insecurities onto us, but it still hurt all the same. Compulsive eating is still something I struggle with, and is also something secretive that I hide from others. It was interesting to read in Out of the Shadows [Carne] that a significant proportion of sex addicts are also compulsive eaters - I can surely relate to thatt.

One of the things I want to explore when I start solo counselling next week is how this all ties together, and where it all comes from. My counsellor is not trained in addiction therapy afaik but I hope he has sufficient experience to offer some helpful views.

 

Thanks @Wade W. Wilson i appreciate you stopping by. In truth I am not too concerned about relapsing in the sense of P or M, but I am worried about relapsing to previous mindsets or behaviours that have been damaging to me and my relationship

Abstaining from PMO is just one part of the overhaul that I need in my life, and I’m excited To be working on the rest. Thanks for the links to the podcasts, I’ve listened to a few already and find them very helpful, particularly for bringing me back when I disappear on victimisation episodes

 

Very busy at work this week and or of the kids had their birthday so there’s been scant chance to worry about PMO, or indeed think about anything. As a result I’ve not been getting enough sleep which is having a bi impact on my general equilibrium

Things at home remain tense. Generally things are civil and practically we “work” well together but there’s been no talk about us for a few days. Hopefully we’ll get a and over the weekend although my wife’s doing a course all day Saturday, I’m away next weekend and she’s away the weekend after that. Maybe this bay time will give my wife chance to reflect - I hope so.

A close friend of ours dropped round a birthday present yesterday unexpectedly and my wife ended up pouring her heart out to her. Despite asking her not to tell anyone she promptly told her husband (one of my best friends of 30 years) but I’m pretty relaxed about this. Frankly I don’t care what people know or may think, as long as it doesn’t impact on me professionally (and only in he sense of my ability to provide) or the kids.

I’ve been opening up a lot to another friend who had went sober from alcohol at around the sad time as my own sobriety. It’s been amazing to speak to someone IRL who gets it, and who shares a lot of the same insecurities and fears. I told him that I’ve often wondered why after knowing lot of my friends for over 30 years I wouldn’t consider any of them close. I suggested that it’s probably because I’ve never let them in...working on finally building closer ties to them is a definite goal.

Anyway off to catch a flight so another day where my sobriety will take care of itself. Hope you all have a peaceful weekend

 

Had a short business trip on Friday and got home to a stunning evening, so before SO and kids all reappeared I snuck off down to the nearest beach for a solo swim. It was one of those occasions, bobbing around just over a kilometre offshore with seabirds overhead and the sun going down where you feel so insignificant, but at the same time so in tune with the universe. Just magical. The evening was quiet after that as wifey was doing a Reiki course all day Saturday (birthday present from me) and needed a quiet night in. She was asleep on the sofa by 8pm

Saturday was shocking weather so took all 4 kids round my alma mater which was having an open day. Fun to see how much had changed (not much!) before our eldest starts there next year. Then we went to the cinema to watch Incredibles 2 (average at best) before home for dinner. When wifey got home relations were cordial but distant as usual, and again she was asleep on the sofa by 8pm Before she drifted off we did speak for a bit about how she was feeling, and that she is my struggling so much with what I was doing (which we have not spoke about that much in detail) but rather how I was feeling whilst doing it. My previous explanations have left her with the feeling that I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t care enough about her to stop. I am trying really hard not to say anything in these moments but rather sit and feel her pain, but comments like that really seem to demand a response? I dunno. I asked if she was still reading her book for partners of PA/SA and she isn’t, so I suggested it might have some useful stuff in there on the nature of addiction, and maybe even some answers on how I could love her and still be PMOing (I don’t know). I resisted the temptation to use her own affair as an illustration, even if it might be relateable for her - I think she would just see it as a deflection.

Met some friends for a run early Sunday morning. We are doing a race in the French alps next weekend so this was the last little shake down. Then home to take over whilst wife went to her usual yoga class and I took kids down to a local beach for a family fun day they were having. As we were walking back my wife appeared in the car, pulled up and picked all the kids up but there was no space for me, so I had to walk home in my own pushing an empty push chair I’m sure she thought she was being helpful but it annoyed me as I was looking forward to the walk with the kids and the kids getting some more exercise - as it was When i got home they had their faces buried in screens Luckily the walk home gave me chance to talk myself out of a bad mood and I did tell my wife how I was feeling when I got home. Walk on the beach in the afternoon with our little one whilst boys were busy and my wife kind of wandered off on her own whilst I lagged with or daughter. It was fine and I enjoyed collecting shells with her but I was a bit awkward. Still she obviously wanted the space so I let her have it. She was asleep on the sofa again by 8pm so not much chance to talk, and when I did try she said she was tired and just wanted to chill out. We had one weird exchange when going through diaries and she said we’ve been invited for dinner with some friends of ours in a couple of weeks - they are good friends and it has just emerged that he had an affair over a two year period, but his wife whilst still healing has quickly accepted it and they are better than ever. I’ll admit a little part of me got angry that someone who acted out IRL gets forgiven immediately by his faithful spouse, whilst my unfaithful spouse cannot. I hope it is a sign of personal development that I quickly squashed those thoughts with a reminder that everybody is different, and my PMO addiction has existed for the entirety of my marriage and that I am lucky that my wife has even stuck around for this long.

I did ask if there was anything that I could do to make her life better/easier and she said no. She asked me same question and I said no as well - I suppose I could have said to just keep working on recovery in whatever form that means for her, but that is not really my place. Really feels like we need a breakthrough one way or another soon.

Zero temptation to look at P (which I am learning to hate) or M but libido was high as a result of abstinence and determination to enjoy the weekend in a good mood. I’m happy to sit and enjoy the feeling now rather than think it needs to be relieved in some way, but I did have to deflect some fantasies forming in my mind. Getting quite good at that - it sounds bizarre by when I become aware of those thoughts I “zoom” myself to the top of a beautiful mountain, take a deep breath of fresh mountain air (IRL as well) and let my thoughts wander from there. Strange but effective!

 

Not one, not two but THREE therapy sessions since my last post

First was couples counselling, another tough session of my wife reiterating, in forceful language, that she cannot see us ever having sex again. Indeed she cannot see our relationship recovering. This was our third session and I felt that the therapist really started to probe this time, and to pull some things together - until now I wasn't sure about her because she had been responding to everything in a fairly bland way, "that must have been so hard etc." I was struck that my wife is in mourning, in mourning for the person/husband she thought I was, and for the marriage that has been forever tainted. I had to work hard to sit in silence, encircled by her pain, and just hold it. i had to actively fight the urge to fix, to explain, to correct.

I did feel angry that she is holding me up to this idealised image in her mind, that she cannot forgive my flaws because to do so would be to admit that the dream was a false one. This anger evaporated when she recalls the times when I would "maul" her in my sleep every few weeks, stripping her confidence away and making her fearful of what is in my head, reinforcing the image that she is not enough. She confessed to being afraid. afraid that if we share a bed and are intimate together she will get woken in the night again, and maybe afraid to trust again for fear of being hurt again?

her assumption is that my aggressive behaviour is indicative of the P that I would watch, so I talked about the type of P that i would watch in general terms - I found this incredibly difficult in front of my wife and the counsellor, much more so than I have in mens' groups. I need to think about this. My wife has made clear that she doesnt want to know what I was watching...I don't know if that will ever change, and I don't know how I feel about that either.

I came out of the session feeling strangely positive, maybe even determined. Thinking back to it again I can't for the life of me think why

Third session was tonight - an online mens' group led by a therapist dealing with Porn Addiction. 8 week course for 6 of us with an online meeting/VC call. Just a general introduction and get to know, but immediate feelings of being able to relate and share common experiences. The group ranged from early 50s to mid 20s, and from 4 months sobriety to 2 days. early days but I think this is going to be good. Its so funny but the first guy I saw on the screen when I joined was just the absolute stereotype of a dirty old man/PA I have in my mind (yes that's right, I still have a superiority complex) but when he opened his mouth guess what...he was just like me

The second session, and the one I am most excited about (and hence why I am saving for last), was with a solo counsellor - the first in person, solo counselling session I've ever had. Now, he's also seeing my wife independently and we had a good talk about the ethical boundaries but what made me super excited was that he specialises in TRAUMA!! I was so happy to hear this and really hope he can help my wife work through not only the PA, but also the loss of her mum 3 years ago. I also know, just from our 90 minutes together, that he is going to be super helpful to me. I'm not sure I can explain what his particular qualifications are (he started out as an Osteopath so incorporates some physical exercises too) but he specialises on internal process - reconnecting people with their feelings, their emotions. He works with a lot of middle aged men, in executive positions professionally, who suffer with PA and intimacy anorexia...DING DING DING! Only one session in but we just clicked, and he sent a really nice email afterwards saying how excited he was to be working with me, and how he thought he could really help me.

One comment just illustrated his approach to me. When talking about shame I suggested that I didn't think I suffered with shame, because I didn't think I was an inherently bad person. He just looked me square in the eye and said, "so why did you hide it then?". It doesn't seem like much writing it out but it just cut straight through a lot of BS and opened my eyes. I could feel my defences falling over. Early days but I'm really hopeful.

Honestly, porn is the last thing on my mind right now. I'm just excited to be getting on with LIFE!

 

I’ve been away on a long-planned trip with friends for a few days to compete in an event in France. To be frank it was a lovely getaway to a stunning location, but being with my friends for a few days just reminded me how much porn and the objectification of women remains part of the dialogue. I didn’t participate but I didn’t object either, just let it wash over me. I’m not sure I’m brave enough to call out my entire friendship group just yet.

When I left I got a brief, businesslike hug from my wife, no kiss which made me extremely sad. Comms with home were sporadic and terse whilst away, I had no conversations just with my wife, only with kids present. When I got home they were all buttoned up asleep by 9pm so I only saw them briefly the next morning.

I did however have a text exchange with my wife throughout the first morning back at work. She reiterated that she is really struggling with the physical side of our relationship - she just cannot see us ever having sex again and asked how I felt about that. For me sex is important, not for what it is but for what it represents, and that what she was describing was not a relationship without sex, but a relationship without intimacy. I once said (early in recovery) that I would rather stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids than to leave f my own sake. I’ve changed my view - I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone that does not desire me at all (for good reason), and having grown up in a house with parents that were effectively housemates I’m not convinced it is as healthy for the children either. I said all this and explained that my truth is that I love her, think she is amazing and even though I know I don’t deserve her that doesn’t stop me wanting her. She appreciated that and made clear she doesn’t know what to do, that she is lost. I’ve tried pointing her to the SO section on NoFap before but she didn’t like it, said it “made things worse”. Her counsellor has said not to make any decision until his “process” with her is complete (6 months). She asked me what I felt about her taking her time to make a decision and I said she should take absolutely as long as she wants, that I am not going anywhere, will support her in whatever decision she makes.

I don’t know if I am saying the right things but that is how I feel.

In our text exchange she explained for the first time exactly some of the things that I said to her when I would grope her in my sleep (after PMO) and it was disgusting and disturbing in equal measure. I said that to her, that no one should have to put up with that and that it must have been traumatic every time, let alone spread over years of abuse. We are sleeping in separate rooms now but I’m terrified if we we do share a bed that I might happen again. I’m also confused by it since I didn’t enjoy degrading P - the opposite in fact. More evidence of the damage that shit does to your brain.

Speaking of which my latest recovery book has arrived - Pornland. I’m only a third or so in and it’s a rough read for a PA, to be reminded of how I supported such a socially damaging industry is upsetting. I’m getting comfortable With being upset though, and better at recognising when I try to rationalise/argue against some of the evidence in the book (“no no, they clearly enjoy what they are doing”). The fact that those thoughts still occur to me is not good, but The purpose of the book is to re-educate myself and hammer those long held misconceptions so I’m trying to recognise them when they arise, analyse them and squash them.

In truth even without the book I am not feeling any compulsion to look at P. I simply don’t do that anymore. Abstaining from M has been much more difficult - it was fairly easy for a time when I felt that I would either rekindle intimacy with my wife at some stage or we would separate. Now that I am facing a long and uncertain period of hard mode abstinence, on top of the longest period of abstinence by far in 25 years, my brain is playing all kinds of tricks on me to persuade me that I need this release. The stressful situation at home which is impacting on my performance at work, leading to more stress is a huge trigger for me. Luckily after this long I am better able to reason with myself and use this energy on keeping focussed on my recovery. It is also helpful to come to conversations with my wife with a clean conscience - she has never asked if I have relapsed (and I’m not sure if she thinks I am abstaining from just P or PMO) but I just feel that I only want to achieve that state together with her, if she will ever consider it again.

Onwards

 

Wife and I had to miss our relationship counselling session yesterday as our daughter was sick and off school. I was very disappointed but sensed my wife was a little relieved. I asked if we could speak in the evening instead but in the end - son no.1 had left his school bag in my office so I had to drive back and get it

Second meeting of my group therapy session tonight, focussing on the science of addiction. Went OK, the format is slightly clunky online but the group is already getting better at sharing and opening up. Homework this week is to draw our outer, middle and inner circle behaviours and share these next week. Immediate reaction to this was trepidation but swiftly, forcibly, changed to anticipation. If you don’t have a choice, may as well enjoy it!

Relations with wifey are cordial, pleasant even, but no conversations of any depth. Honestly with my work, her evening activities and 4 kids under 10 there is such little time.

Day trip to London tomorrow, up at 5am and home by 9pm so that’ll help

No temptations for P or M, but fantasising has been an issue today - or rather reliving previous sexual encounters, with wife and exes. I’ve been far too indulgent with this today and need to work on active redirection. 3 second rule has been well and truly broken.

 

My counsellor has recommended a book - The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Apparently it’s required reading for the sort of internal work we are going to do

Anybody heard of it? I’ve not seen it mentioned on this site