Scared of the Monster Inside

Porn nowadays definitely brought out some nasty genres that were non-existent only a few years ago. One needs to completely stop watching and sanitize that mind.....because there is real dangers. At the minimum, there is at least unrealistic expectations about real sex. a real relationship with a woman cannot develop in such perversions. So that has to stop.

You need totally forget about what you seen and give your brain a new start. You might have picked a lot of twisted thoughts, at the worst moment, which is during brain development.
As your personality is settling in, look at what you fed your brain with...filth.

Sorry to hear about your rough youth. You need to start the healing process. Yo umight need help that you can't find on a forum. I'm talking 1 on 1 talks with a therapist. For you to consider!

 

I agree with the user above. You've been deep inside the dark parts of Porn. That kind of exposure and use can really affect how we view and feel things toward other people and ourselves.

Personally, I try not to think about the things I enjoyed when I used Porn. Because those thoughts could lead me to go back to it which will derail all the progress I've made. But I think you may need more work in this area.

A therapist is really a great avenue to try. I've had therapy before and want to start again myself. I think for you, that therapy will help you break down your need for such extreme genres of Porn and down to the real stuff.

I hope you find your way out.
Good luck

 

You can not change what has gone

Look at where we are all going. I have a shameful past and if I dwell it can disgust me which then deflates me and I need a pick me up.

 

Porn is a destroyer of the soul. I've battled it for nearly 39 years. We are dealing with a spiritual sickness, in the same way as our AA friends. We get cut off from real life as we are in search of the perfect picture or scene.

Secrecy keeps feeding the beast. Good for you in reaching out to others who are working to be and sober.

As a Christian man, I believe and have hope in the Savior and that He wants me (and you and all who struggle with addiction) to be set free and He provides the way of hope.

“"THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME, BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR. HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES, AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND, TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED,”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭4:18‬ ‭NASB‬‬

Healing is within reach.

 

Hi Caladams.

I'm 23 but otherwise in a similar situation. I'm basically virgin and I've spent years watching very extreme sadistic/masochistic porn. I already liked these things before porn, but probably porn has made this deviancy stronger and in any case, it would be impossible to leave this behind if I continue watching porn. But I do want to leave this behind. I don't think sadomasochism can be healthy.

It seems we are in the same struggle. Would you like to chat on skype/whatsapp? We could be accountability partners and also discuss about what could be the cause of our sadomasochistic tendencies and how to move forward. I'd really like to give it a try.

 

I can also relate to your post Caldams, I too started watching porn at a very early age and have been truly affected by the nature of the genres I was watching. Remember that the thoughts that you have and the fears that the stuff you viewed online will become reality is in essence a fear of losing control, or at least for me it is. This fear of losing control gets less and less as time goes by and with therapy and for me some medication to help with my depression and OCD tendencies and without porn in your life to make the anxiety worse this is something that can be addressed and with the right support will abate in time. I have faith that we can all truly recover and get through to our true selves. I am working on it every day. By the time I was 15/16 I had seen near to everything imaginable and some of the content I saw has scarred me, some of it has left certain expectations that I still work on changing. It's so important that you have made this decision and have decided to leave it behind. Truly I think that therapy will help in a very big way. I still have unaddressed issues with abandonment and shame from my childhood that I need to address before I can truly heal. Also I can relate big time to what you said about the outside appearance of having it together and the inside feeling like I'm a kid. I have been going to SAA and SLAA meetings and they have opened my eyes to a lot of things. I know that you must be 18 to attend these meetings but they are a good way of connecting with a community of people who are also struggling.