Scared and need help calming down

So I should preface this with some disclaimers. My addiction to chatting/'roleplay' took me down some very, very dark roads. I had successfully quit it for a long time, but fell back in and my behaviors escalated severely. I began chatting with people about the absolute worst kind of fetishes. I had strict rules...things could only be roleplay. But I'd make up lurid stories about myself, most of which were fictitious with elements of truth. I eventually grew bored with the site I was on and started visiting another. It was way more sketchy, and people were posting about themselves engaged in illegal activities. Despite being put off, the shock value had me click back in and chat with one or two people over the course of a week. My fantasies involve myself being abused, reliving moments of my life when I was...and twisting them into sexual fantasies (how screwed up I've become..). Anyways, someone claiming to be an agent logged in and spammed messages about collecting IP addresses. About how we're all being monitored because of the things some people in the room were posting. It scared the sh** out of me. My anxiety levels rocketed. My fantasies had tip toed a fine line between really screwed up, and extremely. I fear I visited a chatroom where people HAD done something beyond just chatting or roleplaying. I realized just how far down the path I'd gone, and just how screwed up my addiction had made me. Its smacked me in the face to the point of having panic attacks. I know I shouldn't be overly concerned, but I can't help it. What if I had been caught in some kind of sting that associates me with the worst kinds of people because I had gone into that chatroom? I did not share images or anything of the sort, those aren't my kind of fantasies. But for some in there, it clearly probably was. I was so stupid in ignoring it for my own selfish reasons. I feel disgusted with myself...I feel paranoid now. I feel like I went off the deep end and at any moment someone will come to round me up and lump me in with some of the creeps in that place. Posting here is helping me relax...but holy shit do I need to quit and walk away again. I downloaded hard to delete blockers, and am so ready for this life-long nightmare to be over with. I want to be normal. I want to be so much more than the pathetic excuse for a man I've let myself become. Thanks for reading, if you did.

 

Thanks, I need it. And it was but I've been trying to quit and do it so many times over the past year when things have gone off the rails. But guilt can be triggering too for me....so seemed like an endless cycle. Make a profile, guilt...delete...repeat. If it was a troll, which seems likely....I wish I could find and thank them. It got me back to this place and convinced me to subscribe and download to a hard to delete blocker.