I was lazy, I was self centered, I lost my desire, and I got FAT! I was watching porn almost every time my girlfriend wasn't home. I would get home early to have time before she got home. Worst of all I would get excited when she was going to leave and I knew she was going to be gone for a while. I lost my desire for her, and I could no longer notice when she was trying to be intimate with me. When I would try to get her to be with me it felt unnatural, probably because I was forcing myself. I wasn't there fully like the man she had met, it felt awkward for the both of us. Any relationship needs a mutual and healthy level of sexual desire and activity. We had neither. Our relationship couldn't handle it and she told me I wasn't the person she met and that we should "take a break". I didn't feel like a real man anymore either, I felt removed from the powerful man I once was. I let her go with little care, and thought she was being irrational. Being newly single I wanted to meet someone so I started going out like before, but I was different. I was completely terrified to talk to women, I had zero self confidence, and my self image was shot. I thought it was the weight, so I changed my diet and got back in the gym. I managed to lose most the weight,25 pounds! I got a short burst of confidence from the new image but not much changed long term. I still felt socially awkward and after people stopped complimenting on the weight loss my poor confidence with women was back worse than before. I stumbled on some videos on YouTube related to porn addictions. I was thinking "how can anyone be so shitty that they get addicted to porn". I wanted to watch out of disgust or to feel better than those addicted. As I watched many of the symptoms began to match with what I was feeling, but was blaming on stress. I began to look at my failed relationship and my new found reclusiveness, and realized I had to change. I plan on going the full 90 days M free and porn never again. I have another 10 or 15 pounds to go, and I'll be around 14 to 18% body fat. My best weight when I was in the military. I wish I knew what I know now when me and my ex were going through such miserable times trying to force a relationship. All the while the fix was as simple as turning off the computer and making a commitment to a beautiful flesh and blood woman, instead of digital snippets of lust and filth. I can't say the break up was 100% my fault, but I can't imagine not caring the way I did if I hadn't had a virtual harem of "imaginary" women at my very wish with the click of a button.
Welcome Dukesgt! Your story isn't unique unfortunately. Porn has destroyed many relationships. The important thing is to learn from it (which you have, evident by the fact you've joined this forum!). You're probably going to get urges to look at porn again, so the most important piece of advice I can offer is to recognize when you're about to go down that slippery slope, and stop the process before it begins.
