I have posted a few threads in the past regarding my rather unusual fetish that is destroying my life. Its a long story, but I will try to summarize: Ever since I can remember as a kid I liked the feeling of being squashes/ used like a chair by bigger kids. In middleschool I would try to get my fat friends sit on me without them knowing that I enjoy it. I feel aroused and pop a boner during this act, and even thinking about it makes me feel aroused. At home I used to watch TONS of fat women squashing porn, and with tons I mean I literally consumed every single content that is out there. There is not one video that I didnt watch. Eventually, at the age of 18 or so I got into the homosexual part of things, started to watch man on man squashing porn, which got darker and more extreme. I joined gay communities online, fantasized about me being squashed by men that were 600lb+ (!!!!).. I stopped and no longer consume ANY types of graphic or sexual content... This led to a lot of HOCD to develop. I cant focus on ANYTHING. I have a business which is failing and losing money because of that, my connection with the outside world is getting worse because I have no motivation to do anything. I spend countless hours reading through other peoples stories and seek for reassurance. What freaks me out the most is that the squashing sh*t is so deeply imprinted in my brain that this is my ONLY sexuality. Like I have never had girlfriend, never fell in love, never had sex. The only things I have ever fantasized about is having fat men or women sit on me.. and that sh*t could literally kill me. I used to think I was gay, but then I (I know its wrong) check women on man squashing material and pop a boner, which gives me some sense of relief, but still I have a huge fat fetish at the same time. I have nothing against fat people, but I just cant identify this part with my true self. It just doesnt connect, thats not me, yet my brain gets aroused by anything that has fat people and squashing in it. What makes me feel unfomfortable and makes me question my sexuality is the fact that when I was in middleschool and highschool, the only thing that got me aroused was the squashing stuff so I used to spend a lot of time next to my bigger friends trying to get them to sit on me, while everyone else was chasing girls. I could have dated so many beautiful women, but my mind was so deep into the squashing stuff that I just missed it. I thought that I won the battle against the anxiety, was happy, put full effort in my business, was living life looking for a girlfriend, planing out my future with a beautiful wife and kids but now these thoughts and feelings have returned! I feel like I failed my parents. They dont know anything about the mental stuff I am going through. I feel like I failed them, I feel like a failure and I feel like Im not good enough for anything. Man I never asked for this, I feel such a shame and its killing me. These thoughts and feelings come and go, but when they come, they take over my life! I dont even think that Im gay or bisexual, because its only the "fat" and the squashing that arouses me. You could blindfold me and have a big person sit on me I would still get aroused. It makes no sense, I dont even know what I am to be honest. But living a normal happy life seems impossible at this point. Anyone going through the same thing, how do you handle this?
I dont know about the squashing part but i can relate to the fat fetish, i always liked chubby girls and I find it arousing seeing fit girls get chubby, its weird but not wrong in any way, we dont decide what we like. Could have been worse man, try to relax and stay away from porn and youll be fine
I really hope so man. I am at my lowest point in life right now. I dont even think that its "beautiful or good looking", it is just me fetishizing or "objectifying" those people. Man... idk. All I want is a happy life with kids and a beautiful woman.
In a way, I actually relate to what you are saying. I was 10 years old when I discovered I was sexually and romantically interested in fat women. The title of your post also resonates with me. I feel shame for a lot of my sexual interests I also feel fear because I feel like no women especially the fat ones will never want to be with me. As of right now I feel that my personality is too dull and I am at a low point in time right now.
I have not been romantically attracted to anyone in my life. It has always been my fetish. I used to go swimming with hopes of my fat friends sitting on me. LOL I admit that I'm a mess. I don't know what to do. Every day is full of anxiety and feelings of not being good or worth anything. I Really don't know what do do.. I am almost 24 and all I want is a happy relationship with a woman and make kids. I can't believe this shit is the only thing I am into, as if that's all I am. Feels like I was destined to like sick shit. Wow.
Hey, I hear you. This sounds HELLA ingrained for you. who knows all the reasons you might have ended up here? I won't try and shame you out of anything. I totally understand the "it just doesn't connect, that's not me" feeling, though, which is what makes me think you ought to take some more actions to help yourself. Since you're already completely porn free, are you in therapy? A sex therapist could be a very important ally in this process. I've been seeing one for a few years because of my addiction and it has helped a ton.
