Retreating to porn/fantasizing to avoid showing real interest/attraction to women? Could this be dri

I've just had this insight yesterday, first by myself then with my psychologist.

I've realized that when I used to watch porn/pics etc or fantasize I would get into a certain state of sexual arousal.

However, and now comes the interesting part, it clicked that I DON'T get the same sexual arousal when I am with a real woman. That uninhibited, wholesome, pleasurable arousal. I don't really get sexually aroused with women. My junk works as it should, i get full erections etc, but i get little to no pleasure from sex contact and I am not really sexually aroused.

I know you can't technically get erect but not be aroused but it's like my mind skips this step or ignores it. What ends up happening is I have sex in more like a 3rd person view and i feel like I am an actor. I don't experience arousal, let alone pleasure. Because for pleasure to exist there needs to be a sexual arousal foundation first.

What i noticed and have discussed with my psychologist is that I am deeply ashamed of being sexually aroused (and showing/communicating it) when i am near a woman. This even happened with my ex-gf of 5 years. I knew she wanted me but I could not allow myself to exhibit and feel genuine sexual arousal with her. I was just acting.

I can't even show genuine interest in a woman, even when it comes to courting, it's like I do all the steps I'm supposed to be doing (like an act) BUT showing genuine interest and attraction. In fact, it's like an elaborate plan to show everything BUT attraction. In my mind, showing interest/attraction is perceived as dirty, aggressive, wrong and shameful and probably many other things.

Now comes the role of porn/fantasizing. Porn/fantasizing allows me to show/manifest interest and attraction. I don't feel any bad feelings because nobody sees me. I can get aroused that way because there's not a real woman near me and she won't know. Porn/fantasizing is the outlet of what i can't allow myself to experience in real life.

Which is why i'm thinking this is the allure of this virtual world (porn/fantasizing) we get sucked into - we need it to express ourselves because we can't (or are scared to) express ourselves in real life.

Anyone else relates? What are your thoughts on this?