I know that this is quite common but I'm just not sure what to do. First of all, they aren't abusive or harmful in any way, they gave me more then I could ask for financially and emotionally, but I'm afraid it wasn't enough. When it comes to life goals and guidance, I feel like I'm totally uncapable and inferior. My dad is very into technical things and pro-active in general and when I was little I wanted to be like him, but my interest was way more artistic; I love producing music and learnt theater at school. He never told me to quit it or suggest me to try something else but he wasn't supporting either, even when he saw I was sticking to it till this age. I always knew deep inside he wasn't happy about me doing things I love, and I think it led me to be low self-esteemed and not taking the things I do seriously, because, what's the point? Despite all of this, its very hard to blame only him because he had to work all these years as the main breadwinner in the family. (Story of most nice guys...) so when it comes to dealing with stress and goals, I always resentful, shut down, listening to sad music, (pmoing...), which considered less "manly" way of behave; never get up and rebel/deal with problems like he does. I really wish to yell at him all that but I've been taught "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" and I believe in that. But what to do when they feed you s***?. so all that's left for me is passive-aggressive and forget all of that till next time... I also know I won't educate them in that lifetime. I believe I was much more successful today if I was given the support and guidance. I just needed him to show some appreciation to my interests and invest in them even if he didn't liked it. Not let me be afraid of being rebellious. Of course it was convenient to remind me how ungrateful I am when I was little and not dealing with me so I'll obey. So now I'm in a classic gilded cage situation; stay in this triggering environment, yet comfortable or live on my own expense (which isn't much right now but I'm currently a student) but feel like I'm getting on my feet by my own... Please save me the boomer's style of comments about how spoiled and generation Z I am, I'm doing it great by myself thank you.
Being a dad is really hard. You have to teach your son how to live, yet to give them the freedom to choose what life they want. You want him to follow the same path that brought you happiness, yet you want him to make his own path and find his happiness. It is really hard. I'm sure he tried the best he could. Don't be so harsh on him. I don't know how much of your problems are his fault, but if you wanna change the situation, you have to start taking the whole responsibility of your life, and stop blaming others. Not matter how bad he messed, it's your life and only can change. And with that blaming attitude, you won't accomplish anything.
You’re only gonna have full freedom when you’re living on your own. This is usually the time in your life when you start pulling away from your home and looking towards an independent life. If you can handle it stay until you are on your feet, if not then you know what to do. What comes after the late teens early twenty lessons is the lessons in your 30s where you come back round full circle about your folks seeing them as imperfect and knowing more than ever how they became that way and in those 30s your childhood overprotected is easier to understand, that is if there isn’t anything abnormal going on in the home life.
You are much aware of your feelings and situation of not having better fatherly support, and what is the consequence of this. He has definitely his own unrecognized problems, was busy etc. Whatever was - it's already in the past. You can work to change the outcome. I would like to tell you that as an adult, you will have to fully recognize areas in your life that need to improve. Do a map of resources that you need to improve i.e. :ability to focus is your resource but also, talent, social skills, sleep quality, logical and creative activity. There is many of it. Of course sexuality is in frame of resources. What is my short and long-term purposes, goals, dreams. You have to own your anger and resentment for you dad (of course you don't need to epxress it, just be aware of it inside of you) and simultaneously accept that he won't do anything more for you. Working toward this will let you to weaken umbilical-emotional cord and will let you be more independent emotionally. Now you are the only one to give yourself love and support. Maybe some cognitive-behavioral therapy to find and replace faulty patterns. Or "Acceptance and Commitment" therapy. Definitely you can raise your hand to external world i.e. to join martial arts (this will improve your self-esteem and decisiveness), or find guide/ mentor that you trust and can give you further example of healthy masculine role model. Definitely you have to work on masculine side of you. There will be never perfect moment to do it, because there will be no ideal feeling to do that - but to do that you need to be opened to risk something new, even being not 100% on your feet. But 70-80% would be enough. When bird is trying to fly out of the nest for the first time, he doesn't know if he is able to fly - he have to trust the unknown and his own biology, being open to natural process. He have to trust even if he can fall down and die. But everyday bird is getting heavier and heavier, and when he will gain too much weight, waiting just for the right moment, he then can become too heavy (while his wings will not be trained) and he will have to stay in the nest forever or jump out of nest and fall down breaking his neck. This is the cost of waiting too long for perfect moment.
If that is the thing that bothers you then you should go and tell him all that in a respectable way. If he can't handle that then it is his problem not yours, but trust me you gonna feel so much better and relieved mentally. Remember you are becoming grownup and you have to start to respect yourself hence your needs, if something bothers you - go and tell it in a respectful way.
Just got out of one regarding my problematic sexual behavior haha. Wasn't much of a success unfortunately... Nice analogy! never thought on that... What is the benefit of that? Will just piss him off at the best case, it won't really change anything. how would you react if your son will write something like I did? Thank you all for commenting so far
The benefit is he gonna know your attitude towards that thing and you gonna stop overthink about that, because you gonna know his reaction. From that point you can conclude is it worth to think about it if he is in total denial, but maybe he is not and he will listen to you and you can talk things through and plus you gonna grow some balls because you showed that you can stand up for yourself.
i kind of have some similar feelings to you. my dad was always the main breadwinner and he did a lot in his life. he earned well but then a phase of life came where it just did not go accordingly. the phase came, when i would say i was in my early formative years. i also had a lot of artistic interests but they were always never promoted within my family (by both father and mother). i wished they were a little. the main concern was doing well in college and get a good corporate job. now i feel lost a bit as well in life. i am doing ok, but i think i could have done much better had i had better motivation from my family. i could have even done a corporate job. but finding my way would have made me more content in life. now i have still reached here but i did not find my way. i was told the way. i feel void about that. not much happy.
Thanks for sharing. If only they knew that learning to improve one skill affects how you learn all other skills further in life. I know for sure I will teach this to mine...
I would like to give you some insight, based on my own experience. It is very usual to blame our parents, our history, our society, for the things that happen in our lives. It is true that those things have a direct impact, but it is also true that this is a form of victimize ourselves that it's not healthy. Basically we take all the responsibility of our acts away from our lives. I tell you this because in my case I have this tendency myself. We need to acknowledge the influence of our past in our present, but we also need to man up and learn that we are responsible for our present and future. As I said, I tell that to you, but also to me, I need to remember this every single day.
Zimbardo was a good help in my boy to man transition (still in progress-not-perfection). Good that you are aware of it. I would suggest you that instead of telling your father how you are counfused about him - use this emotional energy to create more your future life possibilities. He will not understand probably.
