Relapsed

I am writing to share my troubles that I have relapsed again. Femdom, sissy, etc. I'm addicted to things. I have been running my series for more than two months but in recent weeks I have become lazy and relapsed. I feel like an asshole, I've been trying for close to two years. I've been thinking about what I've done in life and I've seen myself down sometimes I just think about what I can't do and forget my good sides. I have a problem with my past, I have a history where I am constantly oppressed and my rights are defeated, I hate it, in fact, porn drives me to hate. Normally, I evaluate my past logically, but I'm always confused by this addiction and it devastates me. I just wrote in my diary on the Turkish forum that I want to commit suicide, it makes me hate myself, I just came to my senses.