Relapse

So, why would I post a relapse desclaimer in a "relationship" forum?
Well... It's not a pornaddiction relapse. It's a relationship relapse.

My story is a bit extreme, although since the story happened to me - I'm used to it being my reality, and find it quite mundane. Mmmm... Both mundane and extraordinary - because every love story is extraordinary. Mostly to the person in love.

4.7Y ago I come to the conclussion that I'm a swinger. Not a fantasy, rather something I want to fullfil and fully live. 4.3Y ago my wife gets convinced to give it a try. Not the kind of 'so called convinced' that most people imagine when they hear about this, but rather enthusiastically convinced. Fear and thrill and excitement in our lives, the sex better than ever, and 4.1Y ago we meet the 1st couple for a cup of cofee. This couple offers something we dreaded: meeting in separate rooms, and being exclusive to eachother. We like them. We decide to give it a try. We have a messenger chat, and I tell him that they have the ball. He says "we all have the ball!" and we are very happy to be the chosen ones after they introduced many couples. They have some experience in this, and even had a relationship that lasted months.
We?... We met eachother as virgins (my wife and I) and the same now: they are the only ones we met in the swingers scene.
They cannot meet for thre weeks. So we start writing. They have their gmail account for swinging - we have ours. We use it to chat and mail. The rules are clear: contact between lovers is only allowed during meetings. In between - only contact in a common space is legitimate. So we write, and the communication is suprisingly fluent. She writes so well! Her rythm matches mine, and for the most part we all feel it's too good to be true. The three weeks pass. My legs shake. My knees are made of butter, and my belly is filled with fairies. I can fly with their dust! We meet on a beach. I take her hand, and each (mixed) couple takes an opposite direction. Holding trembling hands, and chatting like teenagers. The 40's are the new sweet-16!
She's the second women Iv'e ever been intimate with. Every movement I do - I'm aware of my dick. This awareness closes me up. I cannot perform for the 1st time of my life. She's sexy, responsive, beautyful, slender, strong, gentle, protective towards me. The touch is AMASING. My SOB dick won't get up.
Doesn't matter. She liked me too. Our spouses? They had extreme fireworks.

Time passes by. We all fall hard for eachother. I think I'm the worst case - madly in love. We establish a crazy relationship. She drives me crazy, both for the good and the bad. The oposite of the peace I get from my angelic wife.
We write a lot. Especially my lover (who at some point declared herself as "my eternal lover") and I. I find this courtship letters entoxicating. I spend large parts of my days daydreamming a letter, and long hours in front of the keyboard. I used to write stories where we are elves, or witches, or some other fiction characters, bith known or fully invented by us. This strange game is a crazy race to re-win her heart without declaring my love (forbidden action in the relationship). Iv'e got to become more and more sophysticated or poetic. She keeps raising the bar. We take great pleasure from this game. This too becomes an addiction.

Meanwhile I keep strange partial performance. Took me exactly 3Y to edge with her on our anniversary meeting. It was a geat moment. In one very romantic meeting about 6M ago I even perform 3 times, edging twice. The relationship with them is very unstable. Filled with quarrels between them and us, including a few separations. And my ED becomes more and more of an issue for her, although a constant slight improvement is occuring in zigzag as time passes. I ache and long for her. We don't meet enough. Not edging with her leaves me in a state of craving. In love after 4Y.
During the process, my body "learns" to ED with my wife too. That's when I do my 1st serious trial to reboot. Iv'e lived with FAP as part of me since I was 12, so it's hard to believe that this is the problem. It's just a wild guess, but then I find "your brain on porn" site and I think maybe it is part of the problem.
This takes place 1.2Y ago, and my trial lasts ~19days. I fully relapse and collapse. The situation with them being unstable, I use porn to console myself when sad, or release pressure after ED in a meeting. I use porn for anything. For procrastinating. For... mmm... for being addicted. Now I fully recognize it. But it takes me 1 more Y to get strong enough to give reboot another go. Why do I need to be strong? Because the lovers are too difficult - but too meaningful. This relationship clearly being bad for me (NO, NOT BECAUSE OF ITS BIZZARNESS - just because such are some love affairs. Had worse as a teenager) but also still being entoxicating. I'm in love, trapped.

2W ago, our 4th anniverssary meeting. I'm already in my 17th reboot day, I slept well before the meeting, I'm in good mood and no worries. We haven't met this time for two months, and since she was abroad with no privacy - we didn't write.
I perform very partially. To give her something to hope for, I explain I'm back to trying to reboot.
The day after the meeting I'm frustrated. Yet I write a positive letter, inviting them to meet within two weeks (which was two days ago). "Hoping for the best, but expecting the worse". Which depends mostly on reassurance from her - if she'd only agree to except her small part in the responsibility for my reactions (Always being better with my undemanding wife).
It turns out I wasn't expecting the worse. I only expected another ED meeting. Instead... they did drop the bomb
Turns out they thought that I was clean since that old trial. HOw could they?! I mean, I'm a sharer. I would have spoken abote it if I had something this important and relevant to glote about. My silence should have said everything.
Well, they dropped the bomb, and decided to end any sexual/romantic aspect of our relationship. How could they?! How could they be so distant, that they could offer their friendship instead?! What were we to them??? And where's my eternal lover?
We refuse - of course.
I was always a porn addict. Nothing new here. So why suddenly it became a reson for a breakup?



I spent the last 4.1Y constantly phrasing my next letter to her/them. My wife writing less than I, but yes, she too. It was a big part of our own relationship: reading eachothers letters, and helping eachother to clarify ourselves the best we can. Being immersed in the "Quad".
During previous breakups I'd sit for hours to write drafts in order to calm myself. Each draft drastically oposite to the other. Some making accusations. Some taking all the blame. Some explaining how I understand things/them, and others explaining how I feel.
This breakup was different. Mature. Real. I wrote nothing. Not even in my head. I did think of them for the last couple of weeks. A LOT! For 4Y they consummed 50% or more of my waking attention, so of course it cannot go into oblivion now. However this time I'm focused on my reboot. On being strong inspite of the breakup. On excepting that the bad things in this relationship will never change.
Today my wife was sad. She had many reasons. Part of them is what my reboot reveals: how confussed and addicted I am, and how distracting and confussing it is for me to perform even after 3 days of no sex at all. Not even a small erection. Part is other personal issues. Well, she likes to go for walks to calmdown and process. She likes me to come along. At some point she lied on a bench in a desserted part of the park, resting her head on my thigh, and simply started shedding tears.
I caressed her, letting her be. Suddenly a thought crossed my mind: part of the sadness overwhelming her must be because she misses HIM. Such a lovely thought! It made me so happy. I love it when we share our feelings: towards eachother, towards our kids and our family... and towards our lovers. Polyamorous people call it "compersion", you may google it.
Suddenly their memory filled the whole park. A place where we took so many walks talking about them, taking a silly selphie then sending it to them. And this is the moment I relapsed. My mind wasn't even able to stop it: a letter for them started to form. Everything I would say to them was in it. Gentle but firm words. True loving words. Why is it that we shall go on without them? It's irrational! It's not as if god took them from us. They love us - I'm positive of that! So why give up? WHY NOW?! The things are better than ever!
My mind wrote this letter, and my eyes shed tears to join my wife's. Then we calmed down. I'm glad I relapsed. Glad my mind wrote that letter, phrasing it in English this time because the only place I could have really posted it in - is here. I'm glad I'm writing about them and not about porn.
They... they were the real thing,
and we lost them.

As long as we were together, she was 17YO, and I was her 16YO BF, and we could never get old. And this is exactly how I wanted to live: "Forever Young".



With the saddest intonation of acceptance in my voice, I say say now: "At least we could dance for a while."
http://youtu.be/t1TcDHrkQYg
And the music? It's for me.
Forever theirs,The Sad Man.