Relapse. Time. Determination.

My progress log.

I made it 7 days, and then relapsed 2 days ago. I feel like I'm at 7 days again already, even though I'm not even half as far as I was. It's a little discouraging, but it just makes me realize how serious it is.
I'm trying to really focus on how that relapse made me feel. I thought that to PMO was exactly what my mind and body wanted, but immediately afterwards, I felt like crap. It wasn't out of guilt or feeling of failure. I just felt empty.
Next time I get as close to relapsing as I was last time, I'm going to remember that it really wasn't even worth it.
Something about relapsing has always just made me want to go back to doing it whenever I feel like it. This time I got right back on the horse though. I really have trust in the idea that this is going to be good for me if I can get this addiction under arrest.

I'm noticing that a feeling that keeps coming up in me is that of having too much time... Too much time?! That's crazy! But that's how it feels.
I want to learn how to use my time, instead of just wishing it away. I want to break the habit of wanting to get immediately from point A (in time) to point B (in time), and learn how to enjoy the way there, to the fullest. (or at least more fully than I've been.)

I still see triggers all day, and sometimes I get the urges without even having a trigger, but I'm determined to stay strong and to stand for something I believe in for one of the few times in my life.

 

Day 3.
I feel like my subconscious is cluttered. I've been relying on MO to get a feeling of relief for a long time. I can very much feel the lack of that. It's really hard to keep myself convinced that it's worth it. I can hardly imagine a real change happening. I've been 'MO'ing since I was 9. It's been a long time coping mechanism. It's how I got high until I figured out how to use drugs. I don't use drugs anymore (alcohol included). I don't smoke cigarettes anymore. Now I'm cutting out what seems to be my 'last resort.'
I've been exercising more and trying to keep my mind on generally positive things, but still, this is is a lot of room to fill that was previously filled with bad habits.

Also, even with the relapse 3 days ago, I feel like it still makes a big difference that I've only done it once in the past 10 days. Compared to the usual 1-3 times a day. Idk if that makes sense or not.

 

I didn't understand how forum threads worked.

Hey I'm not used to forums, and should have named this thread something else. That should have been the name for my POST. My bad. Whatever.

 

Triggers, as in girls in tight clothing, or the flirty tone someone may talk to me in, or just a pretty girl in general, or a flashback memory of some of my favorite pornography. Or just having free time. That's what I mean by that.

Anyways. It's day 5, and it's getting more difficult, but I really intend to not give in to any urges, strong as they may be. It reminds me of being thirsty, and the idea of how great water would feel.

I've been running. Last night I ran 5 miles. It's kind of a new activity for me. I don't like the idea of trading one obsession for another, but I figure it could be worse.