Relapse: FOMO

I relapsed today.

I feel like I need to post about this and share what happened. What happened today is basically the story of my last few relapses. I think sharing them with the community, and everything that comes with that (confronting my shame, kind words from you, etc.) will help me in the future.

There may be some triggering things in the post. Proceed with caution.

FOMO stands for fear of missing out. Its led to all my relapses over the past year or so. Thoughts like "I love dirty talk. The women I could bed in the future (and have bedded in the past) won't (or don't) talk dirty, so I need to get that fix from porn." or "Maybe there's a girl on that website I used to visit that has these sexual characteristics I desire. I should go check." Well, I did just that and found a very attractive woman on a website, which I know I shouldn't be visiting, doing a hands free orgasm video. Well, I tried that video. I did everything she said. And it worked. Deep down there was a rationalization saying that "this won't work, so I can do it" and "even if it does work, there's no fapping, so its okay."

Both those things are not true. If it doesn't work, I guarantee I'll be so worked up that I'll fap and finish anyway. If it does work, its still porn! Its mental fapping!! Its still f**king my brain up!!!

So, I reset all the various counters I had going. 23 days, which is a recent record for me, but its still not good enough. Its all or nothing.

The counselor at my school, who I've seen a couple times, has told me not to be hard on myself when this happens. Don't get angry. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. That'll help more than anger. Its hard not to get angry though. But still, I'm trying to forget about it and move on. Nonetheless, this post should help. Because the idea of resetting a counter here, and admitting to this community that I've fallen has motivated me in the past. I'm hoping this post reinforces that.

Thank you for reading.