Rebooting. . .

It's day one yet again since I just ended a five day streak. Even though it wasn't anywhere near my top three streaks, which were 14 days, 18 days, and 23 days, I still feel like I was able to hold out longer after being exposed to my first trigger. I normally fail within hours of being triggered, but this time I managed to last about 36 hours.

I was bored and searched up what a real ninja outfit looked like, and then I came across my first trigger; a provocative Halloween costume. After a few glances I closed out the page. I then decided to start designing some T shirts for my sports team. I had the shirt as colored as "scarlet", but it looked red. I thought scarlet was reddish orange so I looked it up on google images to make sure. I got a bunch of photos of lingerie. I looked at some of the pictures for a minute, and then managed to close out.

To make a long story short, the next day I somehow ended up going on porn sites and just viewing the video thumbnails, looking for the perfect video. The bad part was that I wasn't even in the mood, yet I still wanted to watch them. I finally got away, and was really pumped up that I got that far and didn't relapse. I thought "I actually am doing it!". I went to sports practice, and when I got home that night I went back on the computer. I ended up on porn sites again, but this time I started watching the videos.

This was when I knew I was in too far. I watched videos for about 30 minutes, then went to bed. I had a hard time sleeping, because my mind was so active, and it is the relapsing that makes you tired. I woke up this morning, and pretty much went straight to the computer, and back to watching videos. I was still not turned on, but I kept watching. I was now kind of worried (not really, I was just rationalizing) that I wasn't turned on, so I started touching myself. I think at that point even if you do manage to pull yourself away, it's only a matter of time before you fail, so I just ended it. I still wasn't turned on, and just relapsed with 0% pleasure.

Now I'm here. My plan is to quit YouTube, and only use the computer for this website, period. I also will not go on the computer past 7:00pm. I will have all of my showers be cold showers, will not eat anything unhealthy, and will do push ups every day. The final and hardest thing that I want to do is to meditate everyday. I hope to make some real progress, and by that I don't mean more days without complete relapse, but more days without the slightest failure. I know it sounds unrealistic, so when I fail any of the above things I will take it as a warning sign and get off the computer.

I could really use an accountability partner, or just someone to check in with every now and then. Good luck to my fellow NoFappers!