Rebooting in Sexless Marriage

Yes, there are, but I won’t tag them here in case they don’t want to be known. Read in the 40+ section, i hope you can find them relatively soon. Good luck, I wish you the very best!

 

I am was in an almost sexless relationship and it only made my PMO addiction worse. It was unbearable and it created a very unpleasant relationship. The biggest challenge was working up the courage to talk to my SO about it. In the end, the solution was to talk to my partner and "agreeing" to do things to satisfy me besides sex (it was less of an agreement and more of a decision she took after the conversation). I'm not cured yet but i manage to abstain from P&M the days that my sexual needs are met (still trying to completely stop doing it). Unfortunately the way you describe your marriage I don't think that's possible. And frankly I don't see a solution for you that doesn't lead to either a life of abstinence and frustration or a PMO addiction. I say that cause I surmised that you have an active sex drive so I can't imagine a life of abstinence would agree with you.
Are you sure you wish to remain in this marriage ? Maybe going for sex outside the marriage would be bad, but leaving your marriage and finding an SO with whom you can have a healthy sexual relationship would probably be a good solution.

 

It may be that your wife is asexual and happy that way. It sounds more like she has unaddressed intimacy issues that could be helped with therapy. Is that something that she has ever considered? I cannot think it's healthy that she's more comfortable with the idea of your being unfaithful than she is with being intimate with you.

Mismatch of libido is common. In some ways your situation is an extreme version of that. In my 30 years with my wife, the frequency of our love-making has been determined largely by fluctuations in my wife's libido and has gone from daily, to weekly, to monthly, to never (for 2-3 years of menopause) to monthly and now back to weekly. I feel that regular intimacy helps strengthen our bond and all other aspects of our relationship.

Only you can know how you feel about a life where you have quit PMO but still have no sex with your wife. Society does place undue emphasis on sex and there are plenty of relationships in which sex, or lack of it, doesn't matter too much, but it is clearly a very personal thing.

If I were in your position, I would quit PMO for good and then try to reach an accommodation with your wife where you get some sort of sex back into the marriage.

Good luck

ANH

 

I don't think abstinence must necessarily mean: frustration, desolation, horrible/nightmare life, etc. It only seems that way in a sex obsessed culture (or to a sex/porn addict like myself). Abstinence might actually mean total freedom to a sex/porn addict. We shouldn't be so quick to put people's lives (or minds) that kind of box.

 

I have almost the exact same situation. Just came here to say that I have removed a significant amount of addicting consumption from my life to include: PMO, social media, political news, image surfing, chatting, etc. I plan to not make any sweeping assumptions or decision about my sex life until after I have reached 90 days sobriety. I can't really trust my addict brain to judge how much of the addicting chemicals in sex it "needs" or "wants". I don't know what the future will hold but I'm trusting that God had me marry my wife for a reason and I don't think I can fully know what that is until I get sober from PMO. Praying for you.

 

Have you looked into brahmacharia, semen preservation ?
Or the chapter on sexual transmutation from the famous Think and grow rich book of Napoleon Hill ?

I think there’s a lot to gain by focusing the sexual energy into different areas of life rather than expelling it by sex.

Do some searches on google if this sounds interesting to you.

 

Yea, maybe I phrased that in a wrong way.
I meant that since he seemed like he had an active libido, a life of abstinence would lead to frustration.
OP actually addressed that and mentioned that he finds that his sex drive isn't as big as he thought.
Still, i do believe that a sexually active person (with high or low sex drive) will end up being frustrated in an asexual relationship.

 

I will freely admit not having been in a sexless marriage...or any marriage...or any relationship with sex...but I do have an inquisitive mind! And what you describe about your wife, @Tryingto, makes me wonder why she feels that way.

 

I agree. As you've said I think that you'll find that MOing has distorted what your true libido actually is.

Most often for people in relationship once they stop PMOing/MOing they usually experience an increased desire and appreciation for their partners. Something to consider is that you will need some kind of outlet for the increased feelings that you will most likely experience towards your wife. If I were you I would spend some time thinking about the ways you can express your love for your wife that she is comfortable with. I would also attempt to be more aware and embracing of the ways that your wife expresses her love towards you.

 

Every breathing human has an active libido and we are coming to understand "sex drive" as something we create and influence. Claiming a "high sex drive" is almost like saying a high "alcohol drive" or a "crystal meth drive" or a "food drive". Often times the more we have of something, the more we want it (or think we "need" it). I think what OP was saying that after he abstained from sex, he realized what he thought was a "high sex drive" was more like a sex addiction.

For example, I used to tell myself: well I need porn and sex at any cost and any time because I have a "high sex drive." That's almost like an acoholic saying "Well I need five shots of whiskey before breakfast because I have a high alcohol drive" or an obese person saying "I need two dozen donuts for breakfast because I have a high food drive". We actually have more control of our "drives" than we give ourselves credit for.

 

Great advice @noexcuses and what a revelation @Tryingto!

Pardon me if this has already been discussed, but have you read The 5 Love Languages or have you and your wife taken the quiz to discover what your love languages are? Based on your post, it seems one of her love languages might be giving/receiving gifts. Usually, we like to receive the kind of love we give, so maybe your wife would enjoy receiving gifts. Just a thought. It might be enlightening to have her take one of the online quizzes so you can learn more about the ways she'd like to receive love.

 

Imho that's correct, PMO completely messes up your thoughts because it makes you do or "want" things just cause your neural pathways have formed in a particular way, not because you really want to. A PMO-free perception is critical.

Well i agree that we can have a wrong understanding of our sex drive, but I do believe that it is a factor. I'm not talking just about wanting or "needing" sex, I'm talking about being easily sexually aroused or not. To give a personal example, I notice that when cuddling with my SO I'm usually aroused, even if I just end up ignoring it. Just being in proximity with her puts me in a sexual mood but I don't necessarily feel the need to pursue sex at that moment.
On the contrary my SO doesn't have the same reaction most of the time while cuddling, and I find that perfectly natural.

 

Thank you for this thread @Tryingto. I feel my situation is very similar - I get on well with my loving wife but she has very little or no sex drive. That led me to becoming "needy" and droping hints so that I could get relief from her. I previously did 360 days hard mode but lapsed for six months. I am now trying a period of celibacy to see how that might work out. Experience of nearly a year was good, and now, only 10 days in I have a certain glow ( maybe imagined) and am thinking - maybe this celibacy will be ok
why dont you change your counter to PMO form PM and join us celibates!!!