Hello, I was wondering how the reboot process goes for most of you? my SO says hes amazed he's doing well and not watching porn or M'ing and that he feels his libido is less as well too. I would love to believe that but it's kind of unbelievable that all of a sudden he says he doesn't think of sex much anymore or think of women THATS way (objectify) as much either. he has pmo for over 20+ years of his life and the past 7 gone to parlors, escorts, etc.. so it is hard for me to believe not looking at porn for 5+ mos has rewired his brain to this extent. have any of you rebooted in this manner and felt this way? I know for each person it is different but still it's hard for me to believe this big change when he is still seeing sub porn in everyday life by going online and places like fb and having a job where he sees the sexy dressed women on the streets of a big city. I feel he is being dishonest to not hurt my feelings and wanted to know if others rebooting have maybe felt the same incredible change, if possible, within 6 mos? also, has your libido changed, slowed down to a more comfortable but not irritable state where you are not thinking or wanting sex or to O everyday? we use to have sex almost everyday but now we skip 2 to 3 days, I was wondering if it's because he is no longer watching porn and rewiring or if he is secretly watching so he isn't as interested in sex. it's very hard to trust someone who has lied Constantly and sad that I can't go to him to discuss this but I understand addiction brings about these terrible lying behaviors. I just wanted to hear some of your point of views and eperoencing because to me, I think he's being somewhat dishonest, how is it possible to lose your libido and objectifying so quickly? thanks for input on this
Rebooting is different for everyone and a 6 month reboot time is not uncommon. Generally speaking (again, it can vary per individual) the longer the porn usage the longer the reboot. While rebooting a person can see benefits in days or weeks so if he is being honest then yes, he would definitely see great results after 6 months. The libido can slow or even cease, a phenomenon known as "flatlining." It happens to every rebooter at various times and is part of the brain's rewiring process. No one can tell you for certain if your SO is being truthful or not. Too hard to tell w/o knowing much more about him. Perhaps you should just ask him point blank however difficult that may be. Tell him you want to help him but he has to be honest with you. Remind him this addiction also affects you and honesty is paramount to getting better. Talk, not with anger or fear but calmness and understanding. You probably know him better than anyone. Trust your instincts if you think he is lying, but keep in mind why he's lying--shame, self loathing and fear caused by an addiction.
Thanks @DemonSemen, he lies alot, it's like a natural instinct in him to lie, even down to the littlest stupid thing, the lie itself is what creates the bigger issue then the act itself. this is why I can't trust his words , at the same time I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt but it's hard to do when remembering the lies. he has even admitted that being honest is hard for him, as though hes so use to lying it just happens and is something he's working on and trying to stop. I've heard of flat lining, he's had it happen at the beggining of his reboot, I guess it can happen multiple times through reboot period without it necessarily meaning he relapsed. the thing is, I'm wondering if it's a relapse that is causing lower libido or because he doesn't watch porn anymore that he doesnt have urge for sex as much anymore, which for me I guess it sucks that my SO pmo'd so much he can't get excited without novelty 8 (. I know there is no way to really tell but was wondering what most peoples rebooted experience and timeline has been. it seems the need for new/novel/anonymous sex is prevalent with porn users and is what is causing a big problem in relationships because they can't get as turned on by the same girl anymore as much. I think my bf notices my recent disinterest in working so hard at the relationship anymore, he mentioned today he was very tired last night to have sex (been on a 2 to 3 day routine lately, which I guess is good and normal) he said he wanted to give me reassurance that he is still very attracted to me and likes our sex. I wish I was more convinced I know porn users unfortunately end up having issues with their SO's due to porn addiction. ive been told by a few here how bad they feel to realize porn made them start to judge their SO's and affect their attraction. its so very sad that the brain is distorted to no longer long for intamacy and realness, settling for promiscuity, novelty and superficI also images and fantasy. hopefully what he is feeling is a reboot and is positive. I did ask bluntly, he said he's feeling good about it and not feeling it's been negative things. I have to just go with that, I'm not an addict so don't know the realness to that statement, it just souds odd to me knowing he use to go to hookers, parlors , watch porn every day and in 6 mos, he tells me he doesn't think much of it anymore. we don't talk much about how he is feeling about sex anymore, I use to try to ask in a supportive way and he use to get irritated and say I keep bringing it up so I recently started not caring as much or asking. today when he made the statement to me about wanting sex and letting me know he loves me and is still very attracted to me and wanted to reassure me of that so I don't feel insecure, I wish that I could say I really believed that, part of me thinks it's the addict brain lying to keep from losing a good thing. I guess losing interest in a person makes them more aware of what they had, who knows. thanks for your input. ps, yes, I recently realized that anger and outburst doesn't help the situation. We've done some real damage to the relationship with some of the nasty things we've said, I realize that now. It's still hard however, I'm human too and such a terrible thing to have lies and betrayal happen to you. it's actually not fair to be expected to understand and be the caring, accepting, supportive SO, especially after the continued uneccesary lies, i still don't understand why addiction takes away a person's conscience. I could never hurt the one I love like that, to lie and act as if nothing and be able to live with that.... but that's just me. much luck in your recovery!!
PMO can affect the SO as (sometimes more) than the addict themselves. You're in a tough situation. Lying is impossible to deal with b/c you can't get a stable amount of trust down to work from. When it gets broken down to its bare elements, this is his addiction and in order to heal things with you he has to be willing to give back what he's taken--your trust. And that means being as honest and forthright as you want him to be. You seem like you've been honest, supportive and tolerant of his mistakes. He in turn has to be willing to do the same. You need to tell him what your requirements are for you to help him--lay it out 100% bullshit free and let him know in no uncertain terms that if cannot do that you're done. It's tough, it sucks and it's neither easy nor clean or probably what you wanted to hear. But if he's lying to you then he's lying to himself and an addict lying to himself is not going to get better. You can help him but you can't cure him. Only he can heal himself. Good luck, stay strong and stay true to yourself.
I'm going to bluntly state my opinion: The fact that he's used escorts, etc... for years would lead me to believe he's not being 100% truthful at this time. Sex addiction is a more complicated matter than online porn addiction, and I'd estimate at least 12-16 months of no porn, escorts, parlors, chatrooms, etc... plus some type of therapy would be most beneficial. Habitually paying someone to have sex with you is an indication of a large underlying problem. I'm encouraged by his recent words of reassurance to you, but there's no way to know if he's being sincere or keeping you on ice so you don't leave. I'm also a bit concerned for you as a SO. There are many SOs who have their own unresolved issues, so they end up in relationships with people who are unable to provide true intimacy, as a way of avoiding true intimacy themselves. I don't know this to be your case of course, but it's something to think about. I don't post this as a means to rain on your parade or anything. It's just my opinion from what little detail I know. The good news is that sex addiction can be rehabilitated, the way he views himself and others can be restored to healthy and this really can get better. This I know for sure. In the meantime I really do hope he's being sincere and your trust renews. Good luck!
