Realizing my new reality

Just 6 days ago I learned that porn is the likely cause of my dead bedroom. I already had suspicion for some time and I thought once he verbalized it that it would open the door to go all in to try and save us. Last night the reality set in and I had my first panic attack in YEARS! I stared the conversation regarding my concern of the dressed dead bedroom six weeks ago he said we could work on it. 2 weeks later I told him I was seriously concerned about our relationship, again we can work on it. Then the third conversation where I point blank asked him and he admitted to using frequently. I felt relief that having it out in the open would push him to abstain from usage in an attempt to show me he was trying. I followed up with a 4 th conversation about the need to open up to me and the need to spend time exploring our intimacy and he agreed. However he hasn’t one time made an effort to talk about what he is feeling, what he thinks might help, or attempted to meet my needs physically or emotionally regarding this matter.

I will not beg for anyone or anything. It’s an awful blow to realize that he isn’t going to take this seriously. He might if I let anger take over and handout ultimatums.....but for how long would he make an effort until the cycle starts again?

I woke realizing I have a decision to make and either choice will cause myself severe heart break. I’m so angry with myself for letting it go this far. How did I end up here, and how do I get out.......

I feel like I have given him time and opportunity from a very loving perspective and the truth of it all is in his actions.

Kudos to all you who have the strength to stand by your partner. I don’t think I have the strength to fight this battle.

 

Thank you.... that’s what I’m going to do. Pull back and focus on me.