Realisations recently hit me like a ton of bricks..

Hey everyone,

I've been a member on here for years, but never used it until now. I've had a rough time recently and have come to some real tough conclusions. Here's a bit of my story in a nutshell.

Sex ed was terrible for us, I hear in most countries it is.. Porn of course became my teacher, along with my right hand. From about 12, coincidentally when we got the family computer along with 56k dial up modem... So I went through my teens never really speaking to girls, being far too afraid, and if any showed any sort of interest, I freaked out. Then I got into my first sexual relationship at 18, only lasted a few months, I handled the break up very very badly, I mean I tried to OD on paracetamol one time.. Took me a long while to get over her, there's definitely some other issues going on there though. Subsequently since, I've realised my primary goal in life has been to obtain sex, any relationship I've ever had has been about sex, sure there has been some other stuff, I do genuinely enjoy the company of women, but it quickly becomes about sex and my pleasure. I've gotten sick of this pursuit now, recently I had a fling with an amazing lady, had a really great chemistry and felt so comfortable with her, the sex was immense too. But I didn't feel able to make a deep enough connection with her, she broke it off as she felt not interested enough romantically and that we didn't have enough in common, perhaps that's just how it would have been anyway, and I'm not trying to blame myself at all, it is what it is, but I do feel if I didn't have this issue it could have gone at least a bit better. For me as well, I only really use porn when high on cocaine, these days very rarely watch it when I'm sober. I really do feel those two combined are a powerful way to mess up your brain rewards system, and has done for me for years. But today is day one and I am going to do the hard reset 90 days NoFap.

Thanks for reading.

Peace and love