Purgative Way & Venial Sin

Lately, I have gotten to a point where I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've been on the road of recovery for a few years now. And compared to the life that I was previously living, especially in my 20s, my life now is more stable and free. But I still fall into addictive behaviors and thought patterns. I still have a lot of anger. A lot of regret. A lot of shame. A lot of impure memories. A lot of lustful inclinations. A lot of inordinate attachments. A lot of selfish pleasures and comforts and indulgences. And I can feel myself stagnating or plateauing because, on the one hand, I am clean and sober; but on the other hand, I still give in to the dissipations that pave the way to relapse. Someone with my temperament tends toward sadness, negativity, despair, anger, pride, complaining, and all sorts of toxic resentments. But just being in that headspace is the perfect primer for relapsing into p&m. And the point that I'm getting at is that it is the venial sins, the deliberate small things, that really add to significant bruising in the spiritual life. And now that I have a wonderful woman in my life and heading toward new horizons in young adulthood, I really just can't do it anymore. I have to leave those things behind. And it's not because I want to be a perfection-ist, but because why should the Lord share me with lower things, why should the Lord share me with vain things, with idols, why should I continue to sicken myself in shackles of selfishness, curved in on myself, the self is just nauseating sometimes. It's no wonder that God created us to live toward others, to give, to be selfless, and to detach ourselves from ourself. And I'm hoping and praying and practicing that I continue in this way of detachment, and to wait for God to continue to do his good work in me. And that's where I'm at right now. So I guess as far as practical things to do, ... I already go to Mass every day, I am faithful to the daily rosary, I go to confession regularly, I avoid mortal sin, I read the bible and I like to do the Morning and Evening Prayer from the liturgy of the hours. I have a really good spiritual regimen that keeps me grounded, but I need to do better about identifying the root of my sin. And it is time for me to go deeper, and to expose my wound to the painful but healing touch of the divine physician. "Say but the word and my soul shall be healed." I could be better about doing a consistent meditation, or about making small mortifications, and or about making time for a little examen prayer each night. It's just so easy to get into a spirit of routine and to become complacent; but it's true that as good and happy as I am to have a "good spiritual life" by my older standards, to me now, it's not enough, and I'm not content to simply keep living with my old sins. I'm not going to just share a room with my old sins, as "tolerable" as they may be. That's completely asinine and foolish and ...just... why?? Scripture, especially the new testament letters, are rife with plenty of passages and exhortations from the apostles who basically leave no room for excuse, no room for any "rank growth of wickedness", no room for self-deception; the Lord does not care about your excuses, your masks, your bullshit; he wants you healed and restored, all the way down, "what is the height and depth and width and breadth". So let's go there! Only God can do the work, there's no doubt about that, but what can I do to put my sails up for him? What can I do to dispose myself to him? How can I cooperate? And let's do it, he and I, together. May you find it now. I'm sure there are more thoughts I could ramble on but let this suffice. Thanks for reading, if you did. Peace. And merry Christmas.

One additional thought though because it is vital, how can any of this be done of course without loving one's neighbor? "Not in word and speech but in deed and in truth." Growth in prayer and sanctity is only one side of the coin, inseparable from that all-important command, to love God's children, bearing good fruit; this is how we truly know we are advancing in the ways of God. Not just hearers of the word, but doers of the word.

 

This is a good one too.

 

More about venial sin though. That's my point. It's the venial sins that are the silent killers. And what is at the root? You can trim the leaves and hack at the branches, but they'll always grow back until you root that sucker out.